Tomorrow is the Big Day

Due to C being home until 2, and then an OB appointment at 3, I have not been alone much yet today to allow stress to percolate. And only two hours til C gets home so hopefully I can maintain this state.

The MFM appointment went well. Baby A measured 6 pounds, 2 ounces and Baby B measured 6 pounds. Great weights! Obviously the ultrasound is not completely accurate but we can still expect good sizes at birth. Baby B is now head down! I guess that is why I thought his mocements had decreased over the past few days - the movements were merely in a different locale. Sucks I still am not able to attempt vaginal birth unless both were head down.

If I were allowed to go into labor, I would predict it would be about another week. The contractions (Braxton Hicks) have been increasing to about 5 per day from 1 or 2, menstrual cramps seem a bit more frequent, babies have definitely dropped, and I have loose stool 3-5 times a day instead of once. Otherwise, business as usual. 

It sucks in a way that so many people know I am scheduled for tomorrow. The texts and phone calls are overwhelming. Ummm no I will NOT be sending you a pic right away unless you are a close friend or family! Rule of thumb - if you do not know what I went thru to get here, you are not on the priority list and may not receive notification tomorrow. I hope my phone does not blow up tomorrow.

The Kinks: "This time tomorrow/ Where will we be...what will we know."

35w1d

Today was my first MFM appointment in nearly four weeks. From here, I will be going weekly.

Babies are measuring a spectactular size - 5.5 and 5.1 pounds. They are still both breech, and squirming like crazy, but I still  did not feel them much. 

Baby A scored 8/8 and Baby B (whose hair was visible, so cute!) was stuck on 6/8 for awhile because he would not practice breathe. He did the same thing last time, but finally cooperated when I laid on my side. Today, I laid on both sides, doctor put a loud buzzer right on him, and he still would not do it. Finally, right before 30 minutes expired, he did it. Of course, I am a bit worried that this means he will have to go into NICU for not properly breathing. Ugh...

15w6d and Infertility/Loss Brain Strikes Again

Uhh why can't I be a normal giddy pregnant lady? I was playing the part so well these last few weeks. NT scan and genetic bloodwork had gone well, home Doppler kept confirming the presence of two live babies, and the excitement of others knowing and finding out the genders swept me along. 

Even the bladder pressure and pain felt one to two weeks ago did not deter my happiness. Though no infection was found in the urune, the doctor checked my cervix and uterus and pronounced me normal. I left the office and did not give these symptoms a second thought.

Allowed myself to send invitations to our gender reveal party and pin a shitload of nurseries during our babymoon. Told strangers, even. 

Arrived at work today and my coworker shared with me the warning signs her sister had before her incompetent cervix went haywire, almost killing her twins. (I had asked her to ask, by the way.) Made me start thinking more about this. Maybe the pain and pressure in my bladder was an early warning sign. Maybe the discharge I feel all the time, that general sense of wetness, is amniotic fluid slowly seeping out. And all I have this week is a stupid check to see if the heartbeat is there and a blood test for Spina Bifida. No ultrasound until two weeks from now.

I know when I mentioned incompetent cervix before no one thought it was a concern. But a lot could have changed since twelve weeks. They don't know how my cervix looks. What do I do? Demand an ultrasound? Mention my symptoms of course, but they don't seem concerned. 

I'm just scared because I'm entering the danger zone. Incompetent cervix could fail without much notice, without strong, definitive symptoms. I'm scared. 

9w6d and the Sad State of Our Sex Life

I had an ultrasound today. I was not supposed to have another one until my NT scan in two weeks, but my anxiety at waiting four weeks between ultrasounds was too much to bear, so I asked my OB if I could have an extra one. The tech at that office is on vacation this week, so I got sent to the hospital to have one. And I insisted that C accompany me, because I'm too scared to be there alone and get bad news. 

It was weird to be in a hospital, but the techs were great and I got to see the babies! They were moving their arms and legs around which was so cool to me. Simply a beautiful sight for my scared mind. They are still on top of each other laying sideways. Baby A's ass is on top of Baby B's face lol. They did not provide measurements though I did glimpse one baby's heartbeat was 174. But that was fine with me. I mainly wanted to know they were alive. 

Anyway, not much else happening. Still hungry a lot. Grilled cheese has been a fave lately as well as almond milk mixed with regular milk.  

Our sex life has really taken a hit. It was bad while we struggled with infertility but we are still not back in our groove. Part of it is me, I know I get more tired by 9 pm and that is tough because C does not get home til 8 and we aren't even done eating til around 8:30 except for Fridays. Part of the problem is on the weekends we have been trying to finish painting the outside of our house, which makes it hard for sexy times. And C is insecure about his past ED so he does not initiate because of that. Ugh, I really want to fix this soon because I don't know when restrictions may start, and of course right after giving birth is not a time to rejuvenate the sex life. 

This is what I mean. Infertility does not go away or get cured when you become pregnant. Yes, the struggles change, but normalcy regarding pregnancy and birth does not automatically arrive, either. 

7w6d

I think I have started to feel nausea over the last few days. It's more of a persistent low-grade nausea that gets more pronounced in the evenings. It may be partially due to me not eating well and the tendency to try to eat larger dinners. 

I really can't eat big meals anymore. Makes me sick and very bloated after. The best approach has been to eat tiny snacks on an hourly basis and small meals over a 30 minute span. Animal crackers have been wonderful. I am in love with berries and red grapes. No aversions at this point.

On Friday at 7w3d, my Doppler arrived and of course I had to try it. C got immediately excited because he thought he heard the heartbeat. I had to explain it was the placenta because he was hearing a whooshing noise, like wind, not heartbeats which are like horses' hooves. We tried for about 10 minutes but couldn't find it. I wasn't really expecting anything so I wasn't disappointed. I may try again tonight, or just wait until after the ultrasound. 

I have not jumped into any aspect of embracing pregnancy yet - no joining of birth month groups, pinteresting nursery ideas, or starting a pregnancy journal. C was at a training this weekend and I guess because he was bored, started a list of baby names. Luckily it was short because I just did not want to discuss it at all. Why get into this idea now when it can still very easily be taken away from us? But I did not say that to C. He is much more optimistic now that we have surpassed our previous milestone of the first ultrasound. 

I cannot quite be that way yet. Obviously last time my body did not realize the baby was not alive inside me and still produced pregnancy symptoms, so that is not the most reassuring thing for me to feel all is going well. Plus, compared to others at my stage, I'm really not feeling much. And, I have heard more of tragedies at all stages of pregnancies. I just cannot be like him yet. 

Two more days. I will know in two days. In the meantime, I will just keep going to the gym, working a lot and doing deep breathing. And - maybe freaking out here and there. 

Stupid Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss Brain

My fears of loss have really consumed me lately. Both yesterday and today I ran to the bathroom at work in crying fits several times. Today my breasts felt less full and sore after lunch which reminded me of the precursor to my loss. I cried for much of the rest of the day. I contemplated dialing the RE to see if I could get an ultrasound tomorrow or Thursday, a week ahead of my next scheduled appointment. C tried to soothe me and so did the pregnant woman from my fertility group. They helped me temporarily but I cannot stop worrying.

I ordered a home Doppler ultrasound but I know it cannot often detect a heartbeat until around 9-10 weeks. Therefore I still probably have no way of knowing if all is well until 8 LONG DAYS from now. 

I cannot take the pain of going through this again. Yesterday, my coworker whose wife just gave birth returned to work. Since then, baby talk abounds in our area. I feel the same sadness as before when this type of conversation occurs - wondering if I will ever know the joy of having my own child. There is no certainty of a positive outcome in my world. There is nothing I can do to change my destiny. Yet I cannot stop worrying, as if I somehow think of every possibility it will make me feel better.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss is fucking hard. I do still prefer this to not being pregnant, but this is also hard. There is a lot of anxiety in my life still. I still miss my firstborn who was never born. I still grieve the possibilities that never became realities. I still feel alone and misunderstood. People think I should be eternally happy and fixed now that I am pregnant. I am scared that my body will fail me again, will fail my precious babies. I am scared that I will never hold a baby of my own. 

First Ultrasound - 6w1d

Today was good!! Of course, I was on edge in the room and when the doctor entered with a medical student and a nurse, I was like "Ok just tell me if there is a heartbeat!"

He luckily noticed the urgency and nervousness and immediately got to business. He turned the screen toward C and me but I could not look. I looked at the ceiling and held my breath while he paused. The PTSD started creeping in and I braced myself for the bad news. He said "There is a heartbeat" and I almost fell off the table. He moved the wand around and then he announced "And there is another heartbeat" very casually.

I was kind of outside my body as he moved the wand around and measured them - both right on track at 6w1d and assessed the heartbeats - both at 117- and took pictures and walked us through the blobs and blurs. C was relaxed, happy, and I was just still tense, maybe expecting the other shoe to drop as he moved things around. And just taking it all in. Things are ok today.

We will return in two weeks and then I will graduate. Possibly never to return to this place that has mostly brought fear, pain, and sadness. And yet I will be scared to leave. But I will have a high risk and regular OB to watch over me.

Twin pregnancies are scary. I'm already assuming a future of an emergency cerclage, bedrest and a painful C section recovery. I've heard so many stories of losing twins at 18/19/20-ish weeks that I am so frightened it will happen to me.

Ugh, infertility and loss are such mindfucks. I hope I can relax more soon. For today, I am happy but so damn scared to lose these babies. 

'Twas the Day Before the Ultrasound (aka 6 weeks)

Ahhhh....my world has been a whirlwind lately. I am doing my best to keep busy and keep the negative thoughts and fears at bay. Some coping mechanisms have been: working longer hours, working out, yoga, therapy, acupuncture, house projects. Used all of them in the past week. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a ball of nerves several times a day. Scouring blogs of people around the same gestation as I am, comparing their litany of symptoms with my few. Googling up a shitstorm. Being a bitch because I'm stressed out. 

Yep, at this point, the breasts are heavy and painful and that is THE only thing that is felt on the daily. In general, a bout of lightheadedness and cramping will occur once a day but sometimes only every other day. Bloating and diarrhea, especially after(?!) eating, also occur but not daily. Where are the food cravings/aversions? Nausea? Tiredness? Or will it all arrive with a vengeance soon? Or not at all because nothing is progressing inside of me? Or not at all because I will have a great pregnancy, physical wise?

The acupuncturist felt my pulse was strong and the baby seemed healthy. But everyone else who says "It's gonna be fine, I can feel it" is only saying this based on conjecture, not medical knowledge. And I find it as annoying as when infertility was my struggle. NO, you do NOT fucking know that it will all work out! You have no extra ability to predict the future or  timing so shut the fuck up! Just listen, be cautiously optimistic, offer to pray for me, but don't offer platitudes.

Granted, VERY few people even know at this point. The stupid optimism is one big reason because it discounts the visceral fear that consumes me. I cannot stop playing in my mind the scene when I found out my last pregnancy was not viable. It feels real and clear and destined to happen again. Maybe not tomorrow but before this baby arrives. But, especially tomorrow.

I'm also not the typically happy person that I "should" be. I am so blessed to be pregnant; it is a crucial step closer to having a baby than I have been in almost a year and a half. But, I am not like other people. I can't be the pregnant lady who assumes pregnancy equals baby. 

My coworker's baby was born a few days ago and I felt sad. A lesser and different sad than I used to feel when going through fertility treatment. But a valid sadness. Wondering if I can share in second, or even first, baby stories. Wondering when can I be happy about this and relax a little. 

I feel very lonely right now. I was invited to my fertility group friend's baby shower, and I am scared to go. I cannot celebrate babies yet. I cannot reach out to my friend who announced her pregnancy a few months ago and with whom I have not spoken since. Because if I celebrate as a pregnant woman, or even a non-pregnant happy friend, what if it is taken away from me? I will have to cut her off again to deal with my pain. So is itbetter to just protect myself and isolate until I feel better? But by then, her baby may be born and she might not want my friendship anymore. For being so self consumed as to miss her first child's birth. 

I don't know. That is why therapy is still much needed in my life. Going today. Likely won't sleep well tonight, and then hopefully feel better tomorrow. At least I will know more than I know today. The unknown sometimes is just a killer. 

Managing the Anxiety

Yesterday was 5 weeks/21 dpo and I had a beta. The RE had me going crazy by calling me about 45 minutes after the usual time. I started thinking that something was wrong and they were drawing straws to see who had to make the shitty calls.

Alas, finally got the call and the level was 3,650. A doubling time of 42.05 hours, a slight slowdown compared to previous beta of 39.64 hours. Still seems to be in an acceptable range so I am trying to celebrate that. 

An ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesdsy afternoon the 28th. I asked if we could schedule it sooner, but they do not like to perform a scan sooner than 6 weeks because a heartbeat often cannot be detected before then which causes people to freak out.

That is me already. Last time, I was at 3,700 the week before the fateful ultrasound. It was also on a Wednesday. This time I am in an eerily similar situation and this haunts me. 

This is going to be a long week. I am going to acupuncture tonight, tomorrow I am going to a basketball game, and I will be filling up my weekend with as much distractions as possible. Just trying to avoid being alone with my racing thoughts and remind myself that every pregnancy is different. But it sure as hell is not easy. And I know with PCOS the rate of miscarriage is high. 

Overdue Updates

Sorry, I have been a bad blogger recently. 

I am on day 18 of cycle or also known as day 3 of my cycle. Last week on day 12, I had an ultrasound and bloodwork. There were mostly small follicles (largest at 11 mm) and estradiol (E2) of 124. I was told to return in two days, which is what happens every cycle. 

Day 14, some growth had occurred with largest follicle measuring 15 mm and two others at 11 and 13. E2 had dropped to 20. I freaked out! E2 drops typically right before ovulation but I had no nearly mature follicles so I knew that could not be an explanation. When I had had a cyst, the levels had dropped so I started thinking that could be the issue, or perhaps empty follicles or just plain old shitty follicles. 

It took a day and a half but I finally reached the RE to discuss whether I should even continue this cycle. He said sometimes E2 levels will drop when a patient is on Letrozole (since it inhibits estrogen to force ovulation) and since the follicles were growing, he was hoping I would agree to return in three days to see if anything had changed before giving up on the cycle.

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and called the phone tree after 3:30 and there were no instructions. Even by 5:15 I had heard nothing! I was freaking out because now the office was closed and it would be hard to reach someone if I had questions. Plus, I had assumed that I would need to come in for an IUI the next day and I wanted to tell my boss as soon as I could. So I called the answering service to get my damn results. 

Got a call from a nurse soon after and the news sucked. Estradiol essentially the same at 22 and follicular growth had stagnated with only a .5 mm change in largest follicle. The plan was for me to stair step the Femara dose and act like it was a new cycle. Take Femara at 7.5 mg for five days, give myself a Gonal-F injection on Christmas! 😡, and come back in for bloodwork/ultrasound three days after that.

Naturally, I was saddened to hear the news. The last semblance of positivity I had about the cycle had vanished. Since I am gearing up for IVF I was not as disappointed as I normally would be but it still sucks. It sucks that the Clomid/Femara is working less effectively over time, which I hear happens often. Two cycles ago, very weak ovulation. Then a cyst. Now, a very poor response to the medication. 

It's obvious I now need the big guns of drugs, injectibles for days and IVF. Fuck. The last shred of dignity and attachment in the process of conceiving is probably gone. My kid is gonna be conceived in a damn Petri dish. That sucks.

Ugh, I need to take a breather. I just paused to breathe deeply. It helped a bit. I need to not worry about steps 2 and 3 and just worry about step 1.  It's hard. Anticipatory behavior has always been a strength of mine, something that has proven so helpful.With infertility it just makes me crazy with all the possibilities. And even when I think I have thought everything through something unexpected still happens. No fucking control over my life or my body.

I am moving forward with acupuncture as an additional treatment. Getting C in there soon to boost his sperm quality for IVF which will now earliest be in mid February. Then I will start going a few times here and there. 

Ugh. I can do this. Right? I think?

PCOS Rite of Passage

Cycle day 3 ultrasound showed a cyst. Big juicy one at 30 mm. It's almost inevitable, it seems, for a PCOS gal on Clomid/Letrozole plus gonadotropins to encounter this issue. And I just had a feeling it was there. I knew the estrogen levels were too low for the number of mature follicles. (Even though the nurse tried to assure me it was fine.) Now makes total sense since one of those "mature follicles" was a cyst. I also had a lot of pressure and pain on the ovary beginning right after ovulation and continuing until my period. Further, I had spotting at 1-3 dpo.

I had to wait about an hour to see the nurse (so much for furtively slipping into the office before most people arrived) because she had to speak to the doctor. She informed me that I would have to go without treatment this cycle because the medication would encourage more growth from the cyst. She said I could try naturally, however. (Always amusing to a PCOS'er since we rarely have that option). 

It will be interesting to see if I actually ovulate on my own. I have been having regular cycles thanks to the Clomid/Letrozole for the last six months, so I'm thinking I should have a residual effect and have a reasonable cycle. (This happened after I stopped birth control last year, although I was on it for much longer. Sadly, only had one regular residual cycle after years of birth control). 

But that means I am back to monitoring things myself. Taking temperature every morning, peeing on ovulation kit sticks, fingering myself to analyze cervical mucus, recording every twinge and sex session.

They had me schedule an appointment with the doctor next week. I will ask him how long should I wait for ovulation before they give me Provera. No way in hell am I going to wait 60 days. Even 30 seems bad, and I wonder if it's true that an old egg is more likely to have problems (a theory that I ponder may have contributed to my miscarriage?) Also will ask sbout IVF. The costs, the procedures, and timeline. And if they do IVM, something that I was reading may be better for PCOS patients because of lower risk of overstimulation.