He luckily noticed the urgency and nervousness and immediately got to business. He turned the screen toward C and me but I could not look. I looked at the ceiling and held my breath while he paused. The PTSD started creeping in and I braced myself for the bad news. He said "There is a heartbeat" and I almost fell off the table. He moved the wand around and then he announced "And there is another heartbeat" very casually.
I was kind of outside my body as he moved the wand around and measured them - both right on track at 6w1d and assessed the heartbeats - both at 117- and took pictures and walked us through the blobs and blurs. C was relaxed, happy, and I was just still tense, maybe expecting the other shoe to drop as he moved things around. And just taking it all in. Things are ok today.
We will return in two weeks and then I will graduate. Possibly never to return to this place that has mostly brought fear, pain, and sadness. And yet I will be scared to leave. But I will have a high risk and regular OB to watch over me.
Twin pregnancies are scary. I'm already assuming a future of an emergency cerclage, bedrest and a painful C section recovery. I've heard so many stories of losing twins at 18/19/20-ish weeks that I am so frightened it will happen to me.
Ugh, infertility and loss are such mindfucks. I hope I can relax more soon. For today, I am happy but so damn scared to lose these babies.