Tuesday, January 27, 2015

'Twas the Day Before the Ultrasound (aka 6 weeks)

Ahhhh....my world has been a whirlwind lately. I am doing my best to keep busy and keep the negative thoughts and fears at bay. Some coping mechanisms have been: working longer hours, working out, yoga, therapy, acupuncture, house projects. Used all of them in the past week. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a ball of nerves several times a day. Scouring blogs of people around the same gestation as I am, comparing their litany of symptoms with my few. Googling up a shitstorm. Being a bitch because I'm stressed out. 

Yep, at this point, the breasts are heavy and painful and that is THE only thing that is felt on the daily. In general, a bout of lightheadedness and cramping will occur once a day but sometimes only every other day. Bloating and diarrhea, especially after(?!) eating, also occur but not daily. Where are the food cravings/aversions? Nausea? Tiredness? Or will it all arrive with a vengeance soon? Or not at all because nothing is progressing inside of me? Or not at all because I will have a great pregnancy, physical wise?

The acupuncturist felt my pulse was strong and the baby seemed healthy. But everyone else who says "It's gonna be fine, I can feel it" is only saying this based on conjecture, not medical knowledge. And I find it as annoying as when infertility was my struggle. NO, you do NOT fucking know that it will all work out! You have no extra ability to predict the future or  timing so shut the fuck up! Just listen, be cautiously optimistic, offer to pray for me, but don't offer platitudes.

Granted, VERY few people even know at this point. The stupid optimism is one big reason because it discounts the visceral fear that consumes me. I cannot stop playing in my mind the scene when I found out my last pregnancy was not viable. It feels real and clear and destined to happen again. Maybe not tomorrow but before this baby arrives. But, especially tomorrow.

I'm also not the typically happy person that I "should" be. I am so blessed to be pregnant; it is a crucial step closer to having a baby than I have been in almost a year and a half. But, I am not like other people. I can't be the pregnant lady who assumes pregnancy equals baby. 

My coworker's baby was born a few days ago and I felt sad. A lesser and different sad than I used to feel when going through fertility treatment. But a valid sadness. Wondering if I can share in second, or even first, baby stories. Wondering when can I be happy about this and relax a little. 

I feel very lonely right now. I was invited to my fertility group friend's baby shower, and I am scared to go. I cannot celebrate babies yet. I cannot reach out to my friend who announced her pregnancy a few months ago and with whom I have not spoken since. Because if I celebrate as a pregnant woman, or even a non-pregnant happy friend, what if it is taken away from me? I will have to cut her off again to deal with my pain. So is itbetter to just protect myself and isolate until I feel better? But by then, her baby may be born and she might not want my friendship anymore. For being so self consumed as to miss her first child's birth. 

I don't know. That is why therapy is still much needed in my life. Going today. Likely won't sleep well tonight, and then hopefully feel better tomorrow. At least I will know more than I know today. The unknown sometimes is just a killer. 


  1. Replies
    1. Shit, I think I just had my first bout of pregnancy brain! So typed up a huge update post yesterday and forgot to hit Publish! It's up now and it's good news. 👍