First Ultrasound - 6w1d

Today was good!! Of course, I was on edge in the room and when the doctor entered with a medical student and a nurse, I was like "Ok just tell me if there is a heartbeat!"

He luckily noticed the urgency and nervousness and immediately got to business. He turned the screen toward C and me but I could not look. I looked at the ceiling and held my breath while he paused. The PTSD started creeping in and I braced myself for the bad news. He said "There is a heartbeat" and I almost fell off the table. He moved the wand around and then he announced "And there is another heartbeat" very casually.

I was kind of outside my body as he moved the wand around and measured them - both right on track at 6w1d and assessed the heartbeats - both at 117- and took pictures and walked us through the blobs and blurs. C was relaxed, happy, and I was just still tense, maybe expecting the other shoe to drop as he moved things around. And just taking it all in. Things are ok today.

We will return in two weeks and then I will graduate. Possibly never to return to this place that has mostly brought fear, pain, and sadness. And yet I will be scared to leave. But I will have a high risk and regular OB to watch over me.

Twin pregnancies are scary. I'm already assuming a future of an emergency cerclage, bedrest and a painful C section recovery. I've heard so many stories of losing twins at 18/19/20-ish weeks that I am so frightened it will happen to me.

Ugh, infertility and loss are such mindfucks. I hope I can relax more soon. For today, I am happy but so damn scared to lose these babies. 

Managing the Anxiety

Yesterday was 5 weeks/21 dpo and I had a beta. The RE had me going crazy by calling me about 45 minutes after the usual time. I started thinking that something was wrong and they were drawing straws to see who had to make the shitty calls.

Alas, finally got the call and the level was 3,650. A doubling time of 42.05 hours, a slight slowdown compared to previous beta of 39.64 hours. Still seems to be in an acceptable range so I am trying to celebrate that. 

An ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesdsy afternoon the 28th. I asked if we could schedule it sooner, but they do not like to perform a scan sooner than 6 weeks because a heartbeat often cannot be detected before then which causes people to freak out.

That is me already. Last time, I was at 3,700 the week before the fateful ultrasound. It was also on a Wednesday. This time I am in an eerily similar situation and this haunts me. 

This is going to be a long week. I am going to acupuncture tonight, tomorrow I am going to a basketball game, and I will be filling up my weekend with as much distractions as possible. Just trying to avoid being alone with my racing thoughts and remind myself that every pregnancy is different. But it sure as hell is not easy. And I know with PCOS the rate of miscarriage is high.