Five Days Postpartum

I am so enamored of these little boys. Their tiny hands, eyelashes, noises, everything is so adorable. I certainly do not love when they wake up at 3 am and cry nonstop for 30 minutes, but I do not find myself ever feeling too negative about anything. I guess the struggle to bring them into the world really has made me a better mother. And the same for my husband. We are so in awe of being able to create these precious lives.

Thankfully they arrived without a problem at 6.1 and 5.4 pounds. When they were wrapped up and walked out of the OR with C, I realized in my drugged up state that they would not see NICU! 

Unfortunately, I did not recover as well and other obstacles arose after. During recovery, my blood pressure spiked to 190? Over 99 and would not budge. Weird, because I actually fine. But since it would not decline, I had to stay in recovery until they forced it to lower with magnesium, which made me feel so nauseous. And had to stay on magnesium for 24 hours which meant no nice labor suite but a tiny ass room with no bathroom and C sleeping in a chair. But at least boys were allowed in there with us. 

It was hard, though, being hooked up to several IV bags, wires everywhere, nausea galore. I threw up while breastfeeding the boys. Luckily not on them because of intervention by C and nurses. People coming in and out to check on me, boys, give us info and sometimes scary like one twin with low blood sugar. Me fighting to breastfeed them despite the easy fix of formula. Me fighting to see them but having to wait forever because the nursery was on a different floor. 

The next day was better when we finally were moved upstairs. (Though removal of catheter and peeing first time - OW!!!) Blood sugar issues with other twin, and hospital's decision to give him formula. Me worried it would permanently scar breastfeeding and receiving update with judgmental friends present who thought I just did not advocate enough. 

Long night of no one sleeping. Blood sugar stabilized but twins cluster feeding and taking 30 minute breaks at most. Feeling a lot of pain but nausea and drowsiness and "drunkenness" from pain meds. Just drifting off but getting interruptions to take vitals, check babies, bring pain meds, take food order, bring food, be visited by OB on call, be visited by pediatrician on call, trying to ask questions and imbibe information through the haze. 

Next day same thing but felt slightly better and twins have stabilized. Took first shit and it hurt so bad. Working through one twin's squirminess and crying when trying to get him to latch. Getting nurse and lactation consultant's help but they make it seem easy. When I am on my own with C's help we are so much worse. One nurse thinks tongue tie is the issue but pedi on call does not agree. 

Trying to soak up all the knowledge before we are released unceremoniously into the workd. But the time comes and we arrive home with our boys. 

We are getting better each day. C and I are a great team. C is a great father. My love for him has reached new depths. My body looks and feels horrible which is far worse to me than sleeplessness or anything else. But it will get better. It will get smoother.

First pedi appointment today and one twin is already over birth weight, other very close. And at only five days, when they hope for this milestone by two weeks!! So even with slight tight tongue, we are making exclusive breastfeeding work so far and I am proud and happy. The twins are all that matter. 

Baby A (though B in utero) - A

Baby B - P

Tomorrow is the Big Day

Due to C being home until 2, and then an OB appointment at 3, I have not been alone much yet today to allow stress to percolate. And only two hours til C gets home so hopefully I can maintain this state.

The MFM appointment went well. Baby A measured 6 pounds, 2 ounces and Baby B measured 6 pounds. Great weights! Obviously the ultrasound is not completely accurate but we can still expect good sizes at birth. Baby B is now head down! I guess that is why I thought his mocements had decreased over the past few days - the movements were merely in a different locale. Sucks I still am not able to attempt vaginal birth unless both were head down.

If I were allowed to go into labor, I would predict it would be about another week. The contractions (Braxton Hicks) have been increasing to about 5 per day from 1 or 2, menstrual cramps seem a bit more frequent, babies have definitely dropped, and I have loose stool 3-5 times a day instead of once. Otherwise, business as usual. 

It sucks in a way that so many people know I am scheduled for tomorrow. The texts and phone calls are overwhelming. Ummm no I will NOT be sending you a pic right away unless you are a close friend or family! Rule of thumb - if you do not know what I went thru to get here, you are not on the priority list and may not receive notification tomorrow. I hope my phone does not blow up tomorrow.

The Kinks: "This time tomorrow/ Where will we be...what will we know."

37 Weeks and the Anxiety is Consuming Me

The anxiety is just too much right now. Yesterday I spent a lot of the day crying, which luckily was exhausting and led to a lot of sleeping. I am so happy in many ways to have twins, such as the desire to avoid future fertility treatments, and to see their special bond develop. But from a pregnancy standpoint, it has sometimes made me sad to not have a "normal" pregnancy. I have been classified as high-risk from the beginning, so that has always meant two doctors, and additional expenses and tests. The huge fear of incompetent cervix, which ruined the typical enjoyment that arrives in the second trimester and caused me to receive a no-sex mandate, that even though was not agreed upon by the MFM, put a scare into C and me and ruined pregnancy sex for us. So now we have not had sex for ages, and I have been too horny to even cuddle, so I feel lonely with so little contact with my husband and for the first time ever I feel worried he would want to cheat on me.

And the birth experience - knew early on that C section was more likely. Which also saddened me. I will never give birth vaginally. I would not be able to look into midwives and doulas and labor techniques like all my preggo friends are. I would not even be able to consider drug free birth because no matter what, I was to be relegated to a fucking operating room. With a crowd of people attending to me, intimidating me, and likely fucking up the "zen" I want in place to breastfeed. 

And breastfeeding. Going to be a huge obstacle with twins.  Just having two babies with two different personalities and needs will make it tough. Never mind the problem that their sucking and latching is not often fully developed in time for their births. 

And what else will not be fully developed? I am having so much anxiety they will be in the NICU. That I will have to see my babies with tubes and IVs in their tiny bodies. That I will go home without either or both of them. That maybe if they avoid NICU or do not stay long, they will still be weaker and have issues. Twins are much more likely to have health and cognitive issues even a few years later.

Never mind the normal shit to worry about from birth. Cord accidents, oxygen deprivation, all this shit that I cannot prevent (or maybe could have by pushing harder for a later birth) and may have to live with. 

It is too much to share with people. So I am avoiding everyone. I will respond to the inane texts "Are you ready?" "You must be over being pregnant" "I can't wait to meet the boys" with equally inane answers but there is no way I can talk like that in person or on the phone. I am too emotional to play that game. 

So yeah, IF I am ready it is just a readiness to have a conclusion to my worries. To have to process an actual situation instead of pondering all the possibilities. 

36w2d - At Most One Week Left

It is surreal to write "at most one week left." Frightening, exciting, wonderful. So many emotions. I am still scared at being on an operating table. Thankfully, I just found out yesterday that it is not standard procedure at my hospital to strap my arms down. Now, hopefully my arms will not flail about and I can have control of at least one. I still worry will I be able to breastfeed? Will C and I have to fight for the ability to breastfeed in the OR? Will we able to enjoy the moment our babies are born, or will people be all up in our shit?

Will the babies be ok? Will they have fluid in their lungs and ears? Will they be non-responsive, too tiny, too weak to be passed into my arms? Will I feel too drugged up or nauseous to want to hold them?

Yes, I realize this is just one day in their lives, and even if the birth experience is not smooth, we will still bond as a family. But damnit, this is likely my only birth experience and I want it to be somewhat pleasant! It is already being skewed by being a C section and in the OR. 

Because these boys are still breech. They are squished. I barely even feel them move anymore, though ultrasound assures me they are squirming constantly. 

I was not dilated nor effaced at 35w2d, the last (and thankfully only!) time this was checked. I have one or two contractions per day that I notice - I assume there are more but I never feel them. The babies have dropped a bit  and besides the swelling, soreness, fatigue and largeness, I feel good and like I could last a few more weeks if needed.

So hopefully they will stay put until a week from today. There is a tropical storm/hurricane on its way this weekend and people have gleefully reminded me that these weather conditions incite births. (WHY someone wants to wish labor on me, I do not know. But shut the fuck up.) Hopefully it will just be a lot of rain and babies will stay put. I really do not want to deal with hurricane hysteria at the hospital, especially in combination with an emergency/unscheduled C section. 

33w5d

My OB scheduled a C section date for me, which he told C and me at the last appointment. September 3. I will be 37w2d. I immediately protested this date as I wanted to wait until 38w at earliest. He would not budge. I still feel disappointed, like the boys won't be as strong as they can be, their latching will suck, etc. by forcing the birth to be that early. I do not like this idea!!!!

I do not like the idea of a C section anyway. I am scared at being cut open. I am scared that I will be stuck in bed because of being in pain. 

I worry that my ability to breastfeed and have skin to skin time will be ruined because of giving birth in the OR. And because the twins are being born at 37w2d.

I am feeling anxiety about everything. That I will die. That one or both babies will die or arrive with severe defects. 

I also worry that because I am sleeping significantly less but not feeling the need to catch-up nap, that menstrual type cramps have started and become more frequent, gaseousness has increased, and that I just feel off, that labor will start soon. And then I will need an emergency C section.

Ahh a lot on my mind and I have always had anxiety issues. I have been getting massages and going to therapy but need to ramp up the frequency. The problem is leaving the house to do these things. I just do not want to sometimes. I am tired. I am sore. I waddle. My feet swell frequently. 

24w6d and Three Hospital Visits in Three Days

I just realized that the title of the post may be just a tad too alarmist. Only one of the three visits was "emergency" related.

Up until last Sunday, I began feeling more frequent movement. Especially after eating or while sitting or laying down. But then between last Sunday to last Friday, the movements decreased significantly. I was pretty sure an entire day had passed without any action. Three times during the week, I broke out the Doppler and located the heartbeats, which provided some reassurance. But I could not shake the feeling that something could be wrong. On Friday, I called my OB amd the assistant said that Dopplers are not always reliable in general as my heartbeat could be mixed up with the baby's, and with twins even less so since I may be picking up the same twin rather than each one. Bottom line: there was a change in movement, therefore go immediately to the hospital. 

My husband and I went to Labor and Delivery and they strapped monitoring belts on me for about thirty minutes. Heartbeats were detected and were 151 and 143, respectively. My OB also wanted them to take ultrasounds, and I saw that while Baby B was still transverse facing the spine, Baby A was now transverse facing the front. Sizes only 11% different, with A at 1 pound 11 ounces and B at 1 pound 8 ounces. But both were moving around like crazy and since then seem to have resumed normal activity. Cervix was 3.1 so a bit shorter than a few weeks ago. (Trying to remember it can be a dynamic measurement.) Total visit was about three hours, but worth it of course. 

Saturday and Sunday we were back for a childbirth and labor class. It was quite helpful to get logistics of giving birth there and to learn about signs of abor and managing labor as well as possible. We also discussed how prevalent C sections were in South Florida (41%!!) and some ways we could possibly avoid them. Of course, with twins it will be more likely that my birth will be a C section, but I would like to attempt a vaginal delivery if possible. After the class, I feel more armed to discuss this at my next appointment on Wednesday. During the class, we watched videos of vaginal and C section births. Both beautiful and awkward at the same time. 

I think C and I leave all classes feeling empowered and overwhelmed. We are glad we attended but it is a lot of information. We are novices and there is just so much unknown territory still.

I think in general we are feeling more anxiety these days, anyways. Our house is filled with donated items and the nursery is not quite yet cleared out to begin storage, decorating, and painting. We never seem to have enough time to do things and my stamina is so much lower these days. During the week, I can barely summon enough strength to get thru the work day and go to the gym at lunch before coming home exhausted. C gets home at 8 so he cannot do much during the week. Weekends are filled with all our to-dos and now we are avoiding social events because there is just not enough time!

Physically, I am doing ok besides the increased fatigue and back tightness. Those are to be expected given I have gained 35 pounds. It is all boobs and belly, though. My skin has been a mess the last two weeks, with large pimples appearingon the lower half of my face. Otherwise, considering I am as large as a woman carrying an eight-month old singleton and moving into the humid Florida summer, I am doing pretty well.