35 weeks

I am quite grateful that at this point of a twin pregnancy I feel this good. I read about others at this point and they seem to fare much worse. I am well enough to go to work, the gym, and stores. I can still make light meals. Though huge, all my weight gain (50 pounds) is belly and boobs so the rest of my body does not even look bad. Somehow I still do not have stretch marks. 

But...a lot of things do suck right now. My feet are permanently swollen. I cannot  even sit or lay for long without it getting worse. When I am at home I raise them above my head to provide relief, but it is hard to lay on my back for long and it hurts to switch from one side to the other. Which is why sleeping sucks. My shoulders and hips hurt from the weight of my body - even if pillows are under me. My back stiffens up so quickly that I dread turning or getting up. The pain almost takes my breath away. My stomach is so large that I cannot turn over sometimes and I get stuck halfway through the process! And my fingers, wrists, feet, and ankles swell overnight and become nearly arthritic for the first hour after getting up.

Ok now that I got all that out... I have noticed some subtle changes over the last one to two weeks. My stomach has hardly any room anymore. I barely eat at this point, and when I do, it is tiny portions. My stool is always loose and is basically diarrhea. I have a few contractions a day, nothing painful and only in my lower abdomen. Occasionally I feel menstrual type cramps, especially at night, which have no timeable frequency. 

The boys have never been frequent movers (kick counts would never have worked for me) but they are moving less than ever. I do feel something from them every day, but I think they are just so squished. Baby B I believe has tried to move toward birthing position a few times because I have noticed his head toward the side. But I think he runs out of room to rotate and/or faces opposition from his happily breech brother, and cannot complete the movement. I will know more tomorrow. Looking forward to finding out their measurements and receiving confirmation that they are ok. Because I still worry. The anxiety between ultrasounds always builds, and crescendos, right before appointments, and now at this point, I allow myself to think of NICU, birth defects, cord accidents, and all kinds of horrible things. 

30w2d

Considering I have gained forty pounds and am measuring around thirty six weeks, I feel pretty good. My upper, inner legs hurt now and my feet are swelling sometimes now as well, but otherwise, no new symptoms have appeared. I still go to the gym to lift light weights and to enjoy the pool.

My baby shower went well. My mom had texted and called everyone to confirm attendance since only two people actually RSVPed. There were about 35 in attendance and I had fun mingling with everyone. Of course, I could not resist making craft projects, which my family and C helped me create. Examples were a photo album of all my bump pics from nine weeks on (including a pic with each fruit/vegetable of the week), collage of ultrasound pics, fancy pic of milestones like first kick, and spray painting white bottles for the dining table centerpiece. The friend who offered her house surprised me with additional decorations and organized the set up while I was at home resting. She also made cookies as favors and recruited people to participate in a meal train. The other absent host made an appearance and helped with set up and distributing gifts. She also bought gifts as prizes for games- which I had said no to in advance! I quickly shut down the games and they only played two, but I was a bit peeved. Despite that it was a lovely day. 

The boys are presumably well. Their movements have become much less frequent and strong. So daily kick counts would not work for me as a tool to make sure they are ok. I can only hope it means they are squished in there. It is almost another week before I have another ultrasound. I guess I really cannot believe they will be ok until they are here. It hurts too much to be too excited. 

24w6d and Three Hospital Visits in Three Days

I just realized that the title of the post may be just a tad too alarmist. Only one of the three visits was "emergency" related.

Up until last Sunday, I began feeling more frequent movement. Especially after eating or while sitting or laying down. But then between last Sunday to last Friday, the movements decreased significantly. I was pretty sure an entire day had passed without any action. Three times during the week, I broke out the Doppler and located the heartbeats, which provided some reassurance. But I could not shake the feeling that something could be wrong. On Friday, I called my OB amd the assistant said that Dopplers are not always reliable in general as my heartbeat could be mixed up with the baby's, and with twins even less so since I may be picking up the same twin rather than each one. Bottom line: there was a change in movement, therefore go immediately to the hospital. 

My husband and I went to Labor and Delivery and they strapped monitoring belts on me for about thirty minutes. Heartbeats were detected and were 151 and 143, respectively. My OB also wanted them to take ultrasounds, and I saw that while Baby B was still transverse facing the spine, Baby A was now transverse facing the front. Sizes only 11% different, with A at 1 pound 11 ounces and B at 1 pound 8 ounces. But both were moving around like crazy and since then seem to have resumed normal activity. Cervix was 3.1 so a bit shorter than a few weeks ago. (Trying to remember it can be a dynamic measurement.) Total visit was about three hours, but worth it of course. 

Saturday and Sunday we were back for a childbirth and labor class. It was quite helpful to get logistics of giving birth there and to learn about signs of abor and managing labor as well as possible. We also discussed how prevalent C sections were in South Florida (41%!!) and some ways we could possibly avoid them. Of course, with twins it will be more likely that my birth will be a C section, but I would like to attempt a vaginal delivery if possible. After the class, I feel more armed to discuss this at my next appointment on Wednesday. During the class, we watched videos of vaginal and C section births. Both beautiful and awkward at the same time. 

I think C and I leave all classes feeling empowered and overwhelmed. We are glad we attended but it is a lot of information. We are novices and there is just so much unknown territory still.

I think in general we are feeling more anxiety these days, anyways. Our house is filled with donated items and the nursery is not quite yet cleared out to begin storage, decorating, and painting. We never seem to have enough time to do things and my stamina is so much lower these days. During the week, I can barely summon enough strength to get thru the work day and go to the gym at lunch before coming home exhausted. C gets home at 8 so he cannot do much during the week. Weekends are filled with all our to-dos and now we are avoiding social events because there is just not enough time!

Physically, I am doing ok besides the increased fatigue and back tightness. Those are to be expected given I have gained 35 pounds. It is all boobs and belly, though. My skin has been a mess the last two weeks, with large pimples appearingon the lower half of my face. Otherwise, considering I am as large as a woman carrying an eight-month old singleton and moving into the humid Florida summer, I am doing pretty well. 

23 weeks

I had my second anatomy scan last week at 22w1d. Baby A went from breech to vertex during the scan but I could not feel any of the movement. He was 1 pound 3 ounces and had a heart rate of 152 bpm. Baby A was transverse/vertex (diagonal) still facing my spine and weighed 1 pound with a heart rate of 129. The size difference has widened to 16% which is still within the acceptable limits but concerns me somewhat, as does this very large difference in heart rates. I now feel Baby B is at risk of dying since his heart rate and growth rate are slowing down and I cannot feel him move hardly ever.

Speaking of movement, at 21 weeks it has changed from vibrations/light touches to bubbles. Well, bubbles that build but do not burst. Probably not a good description but it's the best comparison I can make. There's no discernible pattern to the movement. 

The MFM said it is fine to have intercourse so I am choosing to listen to him rather than my OB on this one. Especially since I feel great and my cervix has lengthened to 4.1 cm. Sometimes I actually believe things will be ok and I can have live babies. Then other times I think of the growth divergence or a multitude of other calamities and get scared again. Either way, I'm not nearly as connected as other pregnant women. I never rub my belly, talk to them, and have not named them all to maintain distance. 

But I do still move forward with preparations, mainly because I am a type A planner and want to get everything settled early-ish in case of premature labor. Childbirth and labor, child care, breastfeeding and infant CPR classes have been signed up for. Baby shower invitations have been made and sent. Baby registry has mostly been completed (whew! how very overwhelming it is). Baby swings, car seats, walkers, high chairs, etc have made their way into the home. Getting there slowly and damn there is so much to do to welcome these little ones into the world. 

Reflections at 21w2d

Over the past few weeks, subtle changes have been taking place. Small vibrations of movement have occurred low around my public bone and near my rib. It is not daily or strongly that I feel these sensations, but they are there at least. The belly is getting noticeably large and therefore is attracting looks and conversations from acquaintances and strangers. I especially get weird glances at the gym. I can't tell if the looks are of judgment or bewilderment, but I frankly don't care. I know when I feel tired and adjust accordingly. But, I do sometimes hate the attention. Like the daily exclamations over my outfits by my coworkers. Sometimes I just don't want to be in happy baby mode.

Heartburn has been getting quite frequent. Need to start carrying Tums on me at all times. Back pain was really bad the last few weeks, but lately has subsided (thankfully because it was unbearable for about a week, despite everything I tried.) I think the combination of having a pillow at work, stretching more frequently, C stretching me at night, strengthening my shoulders and back at the gym and using the gym pool once a week have helped. Also, massages and chiropractic adjustments every 3-4 weeks. I have also been getting more vaginal discharge and weirdly it smells like semen! I am on "underwear" watch for signs of leaking amniotic fluid since I have paranoia about an incompetent cervix. Wet every day but it's a constant wetness, which I take as a good sign, as opposed to sudden or increased wetness. 

Commentary on a few recent dates of note. National Infertility Awareness Week was at the end of April, and it was on my mind a lot that week. Like last year, I debated whether to share anything on Facebook and ultimately chickened out. I do plan on whenever we announce our pregnancy on Facebook to include how we had to experience loss and infertility to get here. I'm hoping the PSA embedded in the post about babies will get some attention, and maybe more than one about infertility alone. 

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. I received many texts to acknowledge the day, and it just made me feel weird and sad. Weird because the babies aren't here and they could easily be gone tomorrow. Sad because I got no acknowledgment last year -and why not, at that time I had experienced pregnancy, albeit for fewer weeks than this time. I read somewhere that if you have loved your child(ren) and made sacrifices or changes because of that love, you are a mother. So, I was one just as much in 2014 as now. I also felt sad for those still hating the day like I did last year, wondering if the living child will ever arrive. And so I think the day for me was mostly to reflect upon on how much less miserable I am about motherhood than I used to be, even with all the uncertainty I still face. 

Switching gears, I would like to share a family-related problem. My father left my mother before I was born, and I did not meet him until I was 26. He was happy to meet, and for about a year and a half, things were great. Then, his wife started getting jealous and treated C and me very badly. It made me hurt how my father lacked the balls to insist on harmony and as a "solution" hangs out with C and me separately from her, trying to make everyone happy I guess. I barely see him because of all this and have even cut him out of my life for a year. I only let him back into my life when we started TTC. But now that I am pregnant, I wonder if I want him around anymore. He does not know I am expecting, and I imagine he would be thrilled (I am his only child, plus a chance to actually be around), but I am torn. In some ways, it would be nice for the boys to have that familial connection. On the other hand, I worry that they could feel hurt that they will never see his home or meet my father's parents, siblings, or family. 

My therapist has said I do not need to make a decision now. And, that sometimes after children arrive, our perspective changes, anyway. So, I will probably just not do anything right now. But he keeps trying to get together and I am running out of excuses to not see each other. And do I tell him before I see him or just let him look shocked when my belly makes an appearance? 

Ugh. Family can really suck sometimes. So glad my boys will actually have a dad who cares about them. Knowing my whole life that my father rejected me before birth is a horrible feeling that I would never want a child to experience.