23 weeks

I had my second anatomy scan last week at 22w1d. Baby A went from breech to vertex during the scan but I could not feel any of the movement. He was 1 pound 3 ounces and had a heart rate of 152 bpm. Baby A was transverse/vertex (diagonal) still facing my spine and weighed 1 pound with a heart rate of 129. The size difference has widened to 16% which is still within the acceptable limits but concerns me somewhat, as does this very large difference in heart rates. I now feel Baby B is at risk of dying since his heart rate and growth rate are slowing down and I cannot feel him move hardly ever.

Speaking of movement, at 21 weeks it has changed from vibrations/light touches to bubbles. Well, bubbles that build but do not burst. Probably not a good description but it's the best comparison I can make. There's no discernible pattern to the movement. 

The MFM said it is fine to have intercourse so I am choosing to listen to him rather than my OB on this one. Especially since I feel great and my cervix has lengthened to 4.1 cm. Sometimes I actually believe things will be ok and I can have live babies. Then other times I think of the growth divergence or a multitude of other calamities and get scared again. Either way, I'm not nearly as connected as other pregnant women. I never rub my belly, talk to them, and have not named them all to maintain distance. 

But I do still move forward with preparations, mainly because I am a type A planner and want to get everything settled early-ish in case of premature labor. Childbirth and labor, child care, breastfeeding and infant CPR classes have been signed up for. Baby shower invitations have been made and sent. Baby registry has mostly been completed (whew! how very overwhelming it is). Baby swings, car seats, walkers, high chairs, etc have made their way into the home. Getting there slowly and damn there is so much to do to welcome these little ones into the world. 

19w2d

It is surreal to me to say I am at the halfway point of the pregnancy (twins are considered full term at 38 weeks.) I am becoming more accustomed to the daily questions, comments and looks.

We had an appointment last week at the MFM for the anatomy scan. No markers were detected - what a blessing! Baby A is still transverse, as is Baby B, however B is facing the spine. Baby A weighed 9 ounces and Baby B 8 ounces, the first divergence in their sizes. Though it was a size difference toward the higher end of the scale at 14% (20% or greater variance is concerning), individually they are measuring great so the doctor was not concerned. I attribute this partially to the slow and steady weight gain. Per recommendations, I have reached the twenty pounds by twenty weeks (well, actually, by week nineteen.) I have pretty much every week gained 1-2 pounds. 

I had honestly been more worried about the cervical measurement than the anatomy scan results. That, too, was within acceptable boundaries - 3.34 cm (was at 3.8 cm at 12 weeks.) So, no orders to go in bedrest, stop working etc., (though my OB has banned sex! grr)  and a clean dismissal until four weeks later. Obviously I was glad to hear the good news, but just sending me off to fend for myself over this critical period is disconcerting. Especially when things can change overnight and without much warning! But, trying to work through the anxiety by drinking a lot of water, taking it easy and per advice from my therapist, working on a craft project. I think it may be a pregnancy scrapbook. 

We had a gender reveal party last weekend and crafting for it was so fun. C helped me with cutting, pasting and executing the projects. It was something I had not done in so long, and it felt great to indulge this passion again. I am still working on integrating my old self that was hidden and hated during infertility with my new pregnant self that has emerged somewhat from the pain but is forever changed by the pain. 

I set up a table as a voting station to guess the babies' genders. There was a ballot box and people were instructed to put either blue or pink hand or foot stickers to signify the guess. Nobody guessed correctly! Mostly boy/girl combos dominated, with two girl/girl combos. 

We also set up a refreshments table that featured pink and blue deviled eggs and handmade pennants featuring all the ultrasounds to date. 

The gender reveal was simple - blue balloons from two boxes, one labeled Baby A and the other Baby B. The two friends present who knew the genders (and loyally did not reveal even to their wives) videotaped and photographed the reveal.

Though we specifically asked for no gifts, people brought them and the fight against baby gear in my house has been in vain. Blankets from my mom, hooded towels and a baby pool from friends, and diapers from my husband's coworker are now here. Luckily easily stashed in a box in a closet.

But I will be unable to avoid baby stuff for long. My coworker is giving me a ton of baby stuff for free, and it is in great condition. She is also selling me two nice cribs for a very low price. I cannot refuse these opportunities just because they have arrived a few weeks prematurely. But having so many large items here is scary to me. I will just have to work through the anxiety. I will just continue to try and accept that I cannot control, predict and plan for everything. And try to enjoy this pregnancy, however long it may last. 

I know at times I do enjoy it - evidenced by throwing a gender party, allowing myself to pin nurseries, etc. but in other ways I am seriously lacking in making a connection. I do not rub my belly, I tense up when C kisses my tummy, I do not talk to the twins or want to settle on names for fear of referring to them as actual people. So I still have steps to surpass. I likely will until they are here. But, working on things. 

 

18w and Taking Big Steps

Over the past week, C and I took a few huge steps in baby planning. We toured a few daycares last week. It's something I wasn't exactly ready to do, but reading all these forums made me realize that daycares fill up quickly and I know I am picky and will want to see many options before deciding.

The first place so far was my favorite. We did not make an appointment per advice from a forum so that we could catch them off guard if they weren't that great. They were quite welcoming. The classrooms were all secured and very clean and organized. They encouraged us to open any and all cabinets. The teacher in the main infant classroom talked with us for about an hour and just had a great matronly vibe - efficient but very caring. To my delight, they said they do allow cloth diapers. We also looked at the playgrounds (large and with a lot of green space) and the classrooms for the older children. C and I had a good gut feeling about this place, and luckily the price was within our expected range - $800 per child per month.

The second place we stayed at only briefly because it was just so dark by comparison and just didn't resonate as much. The third place did not accept infants under twelve months anymore but seemed lovely. However, I would prefer to keep the twins at the same daycare for at least three years before switching them to preschool. 

So, we still have many more places to look at but at least we got the ball rolling. Honestly, C and I walked away feeling quite overwhelmed at how babies act and look and their environments and how we have no idea about any of this! And it scares me to entrust my babies to strangers. I have very few contacts in my town who have/had kids, therefore I have only a few personal recommendations about daycares. The other places I have found through Google and school rating sites. 

The other major step we embarked on recently was to tour the hospital's maternity ward. Compared to the other attendees, we were far earlier in our pregnancy but since preterm labor is more likely for me, I wanted to see the hospital before any emergency. Also, before I didn't want to do much sitting or walking. We are delivering at a hospital with the highest level of infant intensive care (NICU III), which hopefully won't be needed but of course is more likely with twins. The tour began with an hour long presentation by a lactation consultant who has worked in all aspects of the ward during her tenure and delivered info in a very straightforward manner that I appreciated. She broke down things like what to pack, timeline for being in each room, the hospital's skin to skin policy, expected timeline from checkin to after birth, etc. It was very helpful but again  overwhelming for C and me. 

We then saw the labor and delivery rooms, postpartum recovery areas, overnight suites, and NICU (through a window.) We saw a tiny baby pass us in the hallway and the nurses doing a check on a brand new baby. Soooo tiny and the twins will probably be even smaller! 

A lot of information to digest this weekend. C and I are fairly laid back and have always assumed we will figure out parenthood as we go along, with occasional help from friends, family and the Internet. In addition, I do read a lot of forums, though mostly pregnancy in nature since I have a lot of concerns about making it through this stage and sometimes cannot think beyond to the living child stage. But after seeing the daycares and the hospital, I feel so overwhelmed and underprepared. And worried that I will inadvertently endanger the little ones. Sounds like a baby care and infant CPR class need to be in our future. 

Other issues have increased the anxiety a bit lately. We had our annual conference for work last week and all the attention and discussion about my pregnancy was a bit overwhelming. It was too much for me to be super bubbly about it for a few days. In addition, I have been worried more about my cervix, knowing I am at the 18 week mark today and the risk is up for the next few weeks. The good news is I feel good so far, though it is getting much more uncomfortable to roll around in bed, lay on the couch, and put on or remove sneakers. I have also gained 17 pounds so am on a great trajectory to gain the recommended 20 pounds by 20 weeks. Finally, the anatomy scan is tomorrow, and I fret about all the things that could go wrong at this exam. 

Sadly, my fears have remained mostly hidden. I share them with two friends of mine on occasion but right now they are both quite occupied with their own personal woes. Plus, sometimes they are too upbeat and don't understand. C understands but with his work schedule, we have very little time at night to talk and by then I am quite exhausted. So, I keep the burden of my fears to myself and that is something I need to actively avoid doing over the next month. I need to go to therapy more, reach out to my friends more, and seek other ways of dealing with stress. Because I want to do all I can to have full-term babies. My mantra during infertility was "Happy and Healthy Baby in 2015" and besides baby turning into babies that hasn't changed.