23 weeks

I had my second anatomy scan last week at 22w1d. Baby A went from breech to vertex during the scan but I could not feel any of the movement. He was 1 pound 3 ounces and had a heart rate of 152 bpm. Baby A was transverse/vertex (diagonal) still facing my spine and weighed 1 pound with a heart rate of 129. The size difference has widened to 16% which is still within the acceptable limits but concerns me somewhat, as does this very large difference in heart rates. I now feel Baby B is at risk of dying since his heart rate and growth rate are slowing down and I cannot feel him move hardly ever.

Speaking of movement, at 21 weeks it has changed from vibrations/light touches to bubbles. Well, bubbles that build but do not burst. Probably not a good description but it's the best comparison I can make. There's no discernible pattern to the movement. 

The MFM said it is fine to have intercourse so I am choosing to listen to him rather than my OB on this one. Especially since I feel great and my cervix has lengthened to 4.1 cm. Sometimes I actually believe things will be ok and I can have live babies. Then other times I think of the growth divergence or a multitude of other calamities and get scared again. Either way, I'm not nearly as connected as other pregnant women. I never rub my belly, talk to them, and have not named them all to maintain distance. 

But I do still move forward with preparations, mainly because I am a type A planner and want to get everything settled early-ish in case of premature labor. Childbirth and labor, child care, breastfeeding and infant CPR classes have been signed up for. Baby shower invitations have been made and sent. Baby registry has mostly been completed (whew! how very overwhelming it is). Baby swings, car seats, walkers, high chairs, etc have made their way into the home. Getting there slowly and damn there is so much to do to welcome these little ones into the world. 

19w2d

It is surreal to me to say I am at the halfway point of the pregnancy (twins are considered full term at 38 weeks.) I am becoming more accustomed to the daily questions, comments and looks.

We had an appointment last week at the MFM for the anatomy scan. No markers were detected - what a blessing! Baby A is still transverse, as is Baby B, however B is facing the spine. Baby A weighed 9 ounces and Baby B 8 ounces, the first divergence in their sizes. Though it was a size difference toward the higher end of the scale at 14% (20% or greater variance is concerning), individually they are measuring great so the doctor was not concerned. I attribute this partially to the slow and steady weight gain. Per recommendations, I have reached the twenty pounds by twenty weeks (well, actually, by week nineteen.) I have pretty much every week gained 1-2 pounds. 

I had honestly been more worried about the cervical measurement than the anatomy scan results. That, too, was within acceptable boundaries - 3.34 cm (was at 3.8 cm at 12 weeks.) So, no orders to go in bedrest, stop working etc., (though my OB has banned sex! grr)  and a clean dismissal until four weeks later. Obviously I was glad to hear the good news, but just sending me off to fend for myself over this critical period is disconcerting. Especially when things can change overnight and without much warning! But, trying to work through the anxiety by drinking a lot of water, taking it easy and per advice from my therapist, working on a craft project. I think it may be a pregnancy scrapbook. 

We had a gender reveal party last weekend and crafting for it was so fun. C helped me with cutting, pasting and executing the projects. It was something I had not done in so long, and it felt great to indulge this passion again. I am still working on integrating my old self that was hidden and hated during infertility with my new pregnant self that has emerged somewhat from the pain but is forever changed by the pain. 

I set up a table as a voting station to guess the babies' genders. There was a ballot box and people were instructed to put either blue or pink hand or foot stickers to signify the guess. Nobody guessed correctly! Mostly boy/girl combos dominated, with two girl/girl combos. 

We also set up a refreshments table that featured pink and blue deviled eggs and handmade pennants featuring all the ultrasounds to date. 

The gender reveal was simple - blue balloons from two boxes, one labeled Baby A and the other Baby B. The two friends present who knew the genders (and loyally did not reveal even to their wives) videotaped and photographed the reveal.

Though we specifically asked for no gifts, people brought them and the fight against baby gear in my house has been in vain. Blankets from my mom, hooded towels and a baby pool from friends, and diapers from my husband's coworker are now here. Luckily easily stashed in a box in a closet.

But I will be unable to avoid baby stuff for long. My coworker is giving me a ton of baby stuff for free, and it is in great condition. She is also selling me two nice cribs for a very low price. I cannot refuse these opportunities just because they have arrived a few weeks prematurely. But having so many large items here is scary to me. I will just have to work through the anxiety. I will just continue to try and accept that I cannot control, predict and plan for everything. And try to enjoy this pregnancy, however long it may last. 

I know at times I do enjoy it - evidenced by throwing a gender party, allowing myself to pin nurseries, etc. but in other ways I am seriously lacking in making a connection. I do not rub my belly, I tense up when C kisses my tummy, I do not talk to the twins or want to settle on names for fear of referring to them as actual people. So I still have steps to surpass. I likely will until they are here. But, working on things.