Thursday, May 14, 2015

Reflections at 21w2d

Over the past few weeks, subtle changes have been taking place. Small vibrations of movement have occurred low around my public bone and near my rib. It is not daily or strongly that I feel these sensations, but they are there at least. The belly is getting noticeably large and therefore is attracting looks and conversations from acquaintances and strangers. I especially get weird glances at the gym. I can't tell if the looks are of judgment or bewilderment, but I frankly don't care. I know when I feel tired and adjust accordingly. But, I do sometimes hate the attention. Like the daily exclamations over my outfits by my coworkers. Sometimes I just don't want to be in happy baby mode.

Heartburn has been getting quite frequent. Need to start carrying Tums on me at all times. Back pain was really bad the last few weeks, but lately has subsided (thankfully because it was unbearable for about a week, despite everything I tried.) I think the combination of having a pillow at work, stretching more frequently, C stretching me at night, strengthening my shoulders and back at the gym and using the gym pool once a week have helped. Also, massages and chiropractic adjustments every 3-4 weeks. I have also been getting more vaginal discharge and weirdly it smells like semen! I am on "underwear" watch for signs of leaking amniotic fluid since I have paranoia about an incompetent cervix. Wet every day but it's a constant wetness, which I take as a good sign, as opposed to sudden or increased wetness. 

Commentary on a few recent dates of note. National Infertility Awareness Week was at the end of April, and it was on my mind a lot that week. Like last year, I debated whether to share anything on Facebook and ultimately chickened out. I do plan on whenever we announce our pregnancy on Facebook to include how we had to experience loss and infertility to get here. I'm hoping the PSA embedded in the post about babies will get some attention, and maybe more than one about infertility alone. 

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. I received many texts to acknowledge the day, and it just made me feel weird and sad. Weird because the babies aren't here and they could easily be gone tomorrow. Sad because I got no acknowledgment last year -and why not, at that time I had experienced pregnancy, albeit for fewer weeks than this time. I read somewhere that if you have loved your child(ren) and made sacrifices or changes because of that love, you are a mother. So, I was one just as much in 2014 as now. I also felt sad for those still hating the day like I did last year, wondering if the living child will ever arrive. And so I think the day for me was mostly to reflect upon on how much less miserable I am about motherhood than I used to be, even with all the uncertainty I still face. 

Switching gears, I would like to share a family-related problem. My father left my mother before I was born, and I did not meet him until I was 26. He was happy to meet, and for about a year and a half, things were great. Then, his wife started getting jealous and treated C and me very badly. It made me hurt how my father lacked the balls to insist on harmony and as a "solution" hangs out with C and me separately from her, trying to make everyone happy I guess. I barely see him because of all this and have even cut him out of my life for a year. I only let him back into my life when we started TTC. But now that I am pregnant, I wonder if I want him around anymore. He does not know I am expecting, and I imagine he would be thrilled (I am his only child, plus a chance to actually be around), but I am torn. In some ways, it would be nice for the boys to have that familial connection. On the other hand, I worry that they could feel hurt that they will never see his home or meet my father's parents, siblings, or family. 

My therapist has said I do not need to make a decision now. And, that sometimes after children arrive, our perspective changes, anyway. So, I will probably just not do anything right now. But he keeps trying to get together and I am running out of excuses to not see each other. And do I tell him before I see him or just let him look shocked when my belly makes an appearance? 

Ugh. Family can really suck sometimes. So glad my boys will actually have a dad who cares about them. Knowing my whole life that my father rejected me before birth is a horrible feeling that I would never want a child to experience. 

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