The State of Things

Thankfully breastfeeding has improved immensely. I have not used a bottle for A for about ten days now. He still needs more help getting latched than P but I think A may actually be the superior twin for staying on the breast!

My current breastfeeding challenge is mastering tandem breastfeeding. During the day the twins are generally staggered with feedings so I do not have much need for tandem breastfeeding. But at night somehow they sync up much more and with C back to work I really need to be able to feed them independently. He awakes to help me but I would really like to handle them myself most of the time if possible and of course reduce my awake time. 

Currently I cannot get them positioned tandem without help and do not have a good pillow system to keep them securely in place. I bought the highly touted My B.rest Friend which is not great for my body. I end up hunching forward or if I prop the pillow up the twins end up too high. The back support slips down which requires strategic placement of many extra pillows. So it is a hard scenario to create independently and recreate quickly and consistently. I do use it sometimes but still need to work out the kinks.

Other than the breastfeeding challenges my other current difficulty is dealing with my mother in law, whom I have always adored and gotten along fabulously with. She has been at our house a little over a week. At first, her anxiety was through the roof.  She freaked out every time a baby cried or even fussed. It caused her to leave dirty diapers around, doors open, lights on, forget things and be more of a burden than a help. She also has been very flaky in general, like forgetting to buy things on a grocery list, to write in the pee/poo log, and taking an inordinate amount of time to do even non-baby tasks (took 2 hours to reheat prepared lasagna and prepare salads.) 

C noticed some of this but not all as he is at work all day and his mom is not as crazy when he is here. So unfortunately he hears me bitch a lot. I feel bad as this places more stress on him. And this week I am making more effort not to report her issues to him. Which sadly means I internalize more now.  

She has gotten better compared to a week ago but still has progress to make. She still flips out when they fuss and asks are they hungry? Did they poop? What do we do? None of which is helpful and makes me tense. 

And if she is with ababy snd he starts crying she won't put him down unless he falls asleep. But sometimes I need the baby brought to me awake so I can feed him. Or I don't want him in a deep sleep at the moment. But she is at the other end of the house and I am with the other baby so I cannot contact her until she returns. 

And she takes forever to do things. Sometimes with twins I find it necessary to be a bit rigid with scheduling. If I am feeding one twin I want the other fed as soon after as possible. So when I tell her to get a twin ready to get in the feeding queue do not take 30 minutes to change him! And do not rock him to sleep just because he fussed when you changed him! 

It is a lot of stuff to explain to someone. I feel like an ass because I am constantly getting short with her, especially since she is a great person and so kind to come and help. She has been doing all our laundry, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, cleaning. 

But yet at times I would rather be alone. But I know right now I could not handle life outside these boys. Sometimes I cannot pee for five hours, never mind find the time to cook dinner. 

Part of this also is after MIL leaves my mom arrives for four weeks. My mom

Always annoys me on a regular trip here so four weeks with babies will be a significant challenge. Plus, I miss being here with C. But again, we need the help right now. Maybe soon we can start using bottles of expressed milk to relieve me a bit. I need to see when that is recommended. 

In other news, I am feeling a lot better physically. I wear a belly band when I can and under clothes my body does not look too disgusting. Without support my belly is weirdly lumpy. Horrible constipation has been an issue the last few days and I both look forward to and dread pooping after my most recent painful experience. I look forward to exercise and sex and having the challenge of fitting in those activities! 

Reflections at 21w2d

Over the past few weeks, subtle changes have been taking place. Small vibrations of movement have occurred low around my public bone and near my rib. It is not daily or strongly that I feel these sensations, but they are there at least. The belly is getting noticeably large and therefore is attracting looks and conversations from acquaintances and strangers. I especially get weird glances at the gym. I can't tell if the looks are of judgment or bewilderment, but I frankly don't care. I know when I feel tired and adjust accordingly. But, I do sometimes hate the attention. Like the daily exclamations over my outfits by my coworkers. Sometimes I just don't want to be in happy baby mode.

Heartburn has been getting quite frequent. Need to start carrying Tums on me at all times. Back pain was really bad the last few weeks, but lately has subsided (thankfully because it was unbearable for about a week, despite everything I tried.) I think the combination of having a pillow at work, stretching more frequently, C stretching me at night, strengthening my shoulders and back at the gym and using the gym pool once a week have helped. Also, massages and chiropractic adjustments every 3-4 weeks. I have also been getting more vaginal discharge and weirdly it smells like semen! I am on "underwear" watch for signs of leaking amniotic fluid since I have paranoia about an incompetent cervix. Wet every day but it's a constant wetness, which I take as a good sign, as opposed to sudden or increased wetness. 

Commentary on a few recent dates of note. National Infertility Awareness Week was at the end of April, and it was on my mind a lot that week. Like last year, I debated whether to share anything on Facebook and ultimately chickened out. I do plan on whenever we announce our pregnancy on Facebook to include how we had to experience loss and infertility to get here. I'm hoping the PSA embedded in the post about babies will get some attention, and maybe more than one about infertility alone. 

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. I received many texts to acknowledge the day, and it just made me feel weird and sad. Weird because the babies aren't here and they could easily be gone tomorrow. Sad because I got no acknowledgment last year -and why not, at that time I had experienced pregnancy, albeit for fewer weeks than this time. I read somewhere that if you have loved your child(ren) and made sacrifices or changes because of that love, you are a mother. So, I was one just as much in 2014 as now. I also felt sad for those still hating the day like I did last year, wondering if the living child will ever arrive. And so I think the day for me was mostly to reflect upon on how much less miserable I am about motherhood than I used to be, even with all the uncertainty I still face. 

Switching gears, I would like to share a family-related problem. My father left my mother before I was born, and I did not meet him until I was 26. He was happy to meet, and for about a year and a half, things were great. Then, his wife started getting jealous and treated C and me very badly. It made me hurt how my father lacked the balls to insist on harmony and as a "solution" hangs out with C and me separately from her, trying to make everyone happy I guess. I barely see him because of all this and have even cut him out of my life for a year. I only let him back into my life when we started TTC. But now that I am pregnant, I wonder if I want him around anymore. He does not know I am expecting, and I imagine he would be thrilled (I am his only child, plus a chance to actually be around), but I am torn. In some ways, it would be nice for the boys to have that familial connection. On the other hand, I worry that they could feel hurt that they will never see his home or meet my father's parents, siblings, or family. 

My therapist has said I do not need to make a decision now. And, that sometimes after children arrive, our perspective changes, anyway. So, I will probably just not do anything right now. But he keeps trying to get together and I am running out of excuses to not see each other. And do I tell him before I see him or just let him look shocked when my belly makes an appearance? 

Ugh. Family can really suck sometimes. So glad my boys will actually have a dad who cares about them. Knowing my whole life that my father rejected me before birth is a horrible feeling that I would never want a child to experience. 

Holiday Season Recap

The 2014 holidays are over and I am tired and relieved. Having company at our house for the days leading up to and including Christmas helped me from slipping into the depression that took hold during Thanksgiving weekend. It also helped me immensely to not participate in Christmas decorating or gift exchanges. I was still sad that day, as meaningless group texts of "Merry Christmas" littered my phone and no one was available to talk because they were so busy with their families, while I sat at home with only two others and pretended it was any other day but it was not. My own mom and dad did not contact me, nor other family members that we normally hear from. Sad on so many levels, but a relief at the same time. 

Two days after Christmas, while at lunch with C and his mom, alcohol took over and I started bawling at the table. C joined in. The grief of infertility combined with sadness that our one close family member was going back home and wouldn't see us again for a few months at minimum, was too much. We were hysterically crying and telling her how bad we actually are doing and how isolated and lonely we were. It was good in a way because it alerted her to how our lives really are, but it sucked since she had to leave right after this revelation.

The next day, I had an RE appointment for "day 12" ultrasound and bloodwork. The stair-stepped dose of 7.5 mg of Femara did its job and I had two 19 mm follicles, a 16 mm follicle and estradiol of 395. I was instructed to trigger that night and return Monday and Tuesday for IUIs. I think the E2 seems low given the number of follicles so I am not very positive but I am not as worried as I usually am. Probably because I am just so tired of this shit. 

On Tuesday we also had the financial consultation for IVF. I will write a separate post soon on this because it was a lot of information.

Yesterday, we went to a college bowl game and tailgated with my boss and his family, with whom we regularly attend sports events. I got too drunk and soon after kickoff started crying to C about infertility. My boss and his wife were right next to us and unfortunately heard us. They were very comforting, but damn, I am embarrassed!! 

The game ended around 11:45 so we barely got to our cars to ring in the new year. We kissed briefly but did not really absorb the moment. But that is ok. I probably would have ruminated on how disastrous 2014 was had I had the chance. 

Today, C and I are hung over and watching football. I am not lucid enough to think much about last year or this year yet. Obviously, I hope this is the year I get pregnant but I would also hope that I can become more at peace with this struggle if it does not happen. I hope that I can approach the inevitable pregnancy announcements with more grace. I hope that I have the strength to reach out to friends who are pregnant and support them and be happy for them. 

We'll see how it goes.