Thanksgiving As It Should Be

I cannot help but reflect on how different my life is compared to a year ago. At this time last year, I was in a depressive state. My husband was scared for my life, and honestly, with good reason. 

This year, I enjoyed my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving - by making a turkey and a few sides with C's help, and having one of our dearest couple friends over. Though I scarfed my food in order to enjoy it hot before babies awoke, it was still a lovely meal. 

The next day, C and I got our Christmas tree and opened our boxes of decorations. Because of the boys, it took two days to finish everything. My heart was full of joy and gratitude for my complete family, for the current and future memories with our children, the enjoyment of simple things like lights and food and music and laughter. I felt a beautiful warmth as we looked at our ornaments and reflected on their origins, and how we would get to share these memories with the boys - and many new ones as well. I feel so lucky that I am able to live again and live more fully than ever before. 

The boys are twelve weeks and I am continuously astounded by their growth. They interact so much more with us now. Conversing with us and even staring at us are preferred pasttimes over toys, though they each play so well on the mats now - and even independently. A enjoys tummy time, P not so much but I am slowly seeing him improve over the last few days.

They still sleep in bed with us, and the midnight crazies are only a few times a week instead of daily. Which means much better sleep at night. They are feeding much less at night now, too. Maybe they would not at all but when they stir I stick a boob in their mouth to placate them and to prevent them waking up and then they often eat a few minutes. I have gotten P to nap in the crib during the day but A not yet. A is much more the type to prefer falling asleep on me and often with his mouth on the breast. Moving him without waking him is tough. Plus, I like the cuddles. 

Since I have been home with them, we have not been on a strict schedule. This I assume will change quite a bit tomorrow when they start daycare. My heart is broken over leaving them. I have cried so much recently. They will attend a church based daycare even though C and I are not religious. It is a smaller place, not with a lot of bells and whistles, but seems like a close-knit staff and was personally recommended by my lactation consultant. Also, it is 3-5 minutes from my work so I can hopefully feed the boys and drop in unannounced occasionally. Furthermore, I will be working only til 1 daily so they will not be there too long each day. 

But despite all the pep talk, I am freaking out. Will they ignore my boys' cries? Will they sit in dirty diapers? Will they be stimulated and encouraged? Will they be safe? Will they refuse the breast since they will be getting bottles regularly? Will my milk supply suffer? (And if so, I will be using my pumping breaks to go there and feed. I really really want to breastfeed til six months.) 

I have to stop writing now because this is making me sad. So I will go now and enjoy my birthday, enjoy my family day with C and the boys. 

PS- I have nearly 1000 ounces of frozen breastmilk. Hope the boys will drink it.

The State of Things

Thankfully breastfeeding has improved immensely. I have not used a bottle for A for about ten days now. He still needs more help getting latched than P but I think A may actually be the superior twin for staying on the breast!

My current breastfeeding challenge is mastering tandem breastfeeding. During the day the twins are generally staggered with feedings so I do not have much need for tandem breastfeeding. But at night somehow they sync up much more and with C back to work I really need to be able to feed them independently. He awakes to help me but I would really like to handle them myself most of the time if possible and of course reduce my awake time. 

Currently I cannot get them positioned tandem without help and do not have a good pillow system to keep them securely in place. I bought the highly touted My B.rest Friend which is not great for my body. I end up hunching forward or if I prop the pillow up the twins end up too high. The back support slips down which requires strategic placement of many extra pillows. So it is a hard scenario to create independently and recreate quickly and consistently. I do use it sometimes but still need to work out the kinks.

Other than the breastfeeding challenges my other current difficulty is dealing with my mother in law, whom I have always adored and gotten along fabulously with. She has been at our house a little over a week. At first, her anxiety was through the roof.  She freaked out every time a baby cried or even fussed. It caused her to leave dirty diapers around, doors open, lights on, forget things and be more of a burden than a help. She also has been very flaky in general, like forgetting to buy things on a grocery list, to write in the pee/poo log, and taking an inordinate amount of time to do even non-baby tasks (took 2 hours to reheat prepared lasagna and prepare salads.) 

C noticed some of this but not all as he is at work all day and his mom is not as crazy when he is here. So unfortunately he hears me bitch a lot. I feel bad as this places more stress on him. And this week I am making more effort not to report her issues to him. Which sadly means I internalize more now.  

She has gotten better compared to a week ago but still has progress to make. She still flips out when they fuss and asks are they hungry? Did they poop? What do we do? None of which is helpful and makes me tense. 

And if she is with ababy snd he starts crying she won't put him down unless he falls asleep. But sometimes I need the baby brought to me awake so I can feed him. Or I don't want him in a deep sleep at the moment. But she is at the other end of the house and I am with the other baby so I cannot contact her until she returns. 

And she takes forever to do things. Sometimes with twins I find it necessary to be a bit rigid with scheduling. If I am feeding one twin I want the other fed as soon after as possible. So when I tell her to get a twin ready to get in the feeding queue do not take 30 minutes to change him! And do not rock him to sleep just because he fussed when you changed him! 

It is a lot of stuff to explain to someone. I feel like an ass because I am constantly getting short with her, especially since she is a great person and so kind to come and help. She has been doing all our laundry, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, cleaning. 

But yet at times I would rather be alone. But I know right now I could not handle life outside these boys. Sometimes I cannot pee for five hours, never mind find the time to cook dinner. 

Part of this also is after MIL leaves my mom arrives for four weeks. My mom

Always annoys me on a regular trip here so four weeks with babies will be a significant challenge. Plus, I miss being here with C. But again, we need the help right now. Maybe soon we can start using bottles of expressed milk to relieve me a bit. I need to see when that is recommended. 

In other news, I am feeling a lot better physically. I wear a belly band when I can and under clothes my body does not look too disgusting. Without support my belly is weirdly lumpy. Horrible constipation has been an issue the last few days and I both look forward to and dread pooping after my most recent painful experience. I look forward to exercise and sex and having the challenge of fitting in those activities! 

Bilirubin and Breastfeeding Woes

Since I last wrote 5 days post partum, there has been a lot of stress. Not even referring to the "normal" newborn stress of sleeplessness and juggling two babies. Stuff beyond that.

Beginning at five days post partum, A started refusing the breast. And by refusing, I mean writhing away, crying uncontrollably for hours, etc. Horrible as a mother seeing and hearing this. We had gone to the pedi earlier and she thought his tongue was tight but since he had gained weight and was eating let it be. We had agreed but he went over 10 hours without eating and by dawn we were scared and fed up. We made a pedi appointment Wednesday as soon as they opened. When we got there they agreed it was concerning that he was not eating, obviously he had lost weight, and he was looking more yellow. They suggested formula, bottles, things that freaked me out and angered me. 

Even though they had gotten A to breastfeed at the pedi, once we returned home it was the same struggle as the day before. We contacted a periodontist to see about a frenotomy but they could not see us til the next day. I texted someone from La Leche League and she said feed him by dropper. That was a pain in the ass. A did not take the milk in steadily so I spilled milk all over the place and baby started smelling like sour milk. It honestly added to my odiousness of him at the time. I was so frustrated that I yelled at him, at my husband, cried uncontrollably, everything. I even said I hated the baby with such vitriol it makes me feel guilty and sad it happened. 

Later Wednesdsy, pedi called and said A would have to come back on Thurs to get bilirubin checked as it was high still. No surprise since he was not eating. 

We continued Wed to offer the breast to A (refused every time) and feed with the dropper. So every feeding was long, tiring and filled with tears from A and me. 

Thurs we hauled ass to the periodontist for a 7 am appointment. They confirmed diagnosis of tongue and lip ties and used a laser to burn and seal skin. Unfortunately, we were not able to breastfeed after the procedure - a huge disappointment. I was crushed. More tears and anger flowed. 

From there we headed to the pedi. A had neither lost nor gained weight. His bilirubin was even a bit higher, but basically the same. So we were asked to come back Friday (yes, for fourth day in a row!) and expose him to indirect light at home. Sitting on the deck as a family overlooking the canal was very much needed but it was still a long night ahead trying to feed A. 

From pedi we went to my OB to get me Checked out and P got circumcised. We could not circumcise A due to the high bilirubin. More sunlight exposure later and more feeding struggles. Contacted two lactation consultants and got one to come out to our house on Saturday.

Friday, pedi appointment again and bilirubin declined, but they wanted to see A again on Monday. Getting so sick of these trips to the doctor!! Messes up the whole day and makes me sad that my precious time with C home is spent making these trips.

Saturday consultant came and spent  three hours at my house. She even observed P eating, which was helpful. I learned a lot, one important thing like do not force baby's head into position (sonething everyone else did when "helping" us) use their tush instead to position them. Also, how to set up a good breastfeeding from skin to skin contact. She did say, however, that the twins are not even "born" yet, and therefore they do not fully know how to eat yet. She felt I would see immense improvement around 40 weeks, and in the meantime, use a bottle with expressed breastmilk to start sessions if needed, offer breast periodically during feedings and at every feeding, and do tons of skin to skin.  Also she was very impressed with my supply, already enough to freeze 7-8 bags! But she reminded me to keep pumping if A did not feed from the breast. She also stressed the importance of the post-frenotomy exercises that we have been doing with A to promote healing of the procedure and to retrain his sucking muscles. Yes, 6 times daily we must massage the sites of the surgery, manipulate his tongue, push the frenulum back, all of which hurts and infuriates poor A. 

Of course, the first time I tried to feed A after she left he would not nurse. I broke down again. It seemed when people were helping us he would eat but once we were left alone I was unsuccessful. C was taking pics, videos, reading articles with me, yet we were both helpless. 

In a frenzy, I texted the consultant and La Leche League leader what should I do? Should I give up? I feel less connected to this twin, help!

The consultant was particularly encouraging. She said Things will improve soon and to stick with it. Also to keep sending her picd and she will critique them. La Leche person invited me to a meeting tomorrow to get tips from her coleader. 

Sooooo luckily in the past two days things have improved. I started noticing A would root a lot more for the breast and make an attempt to suckle it. He started opening his eyes more while eating, seeming more calm. He even started nursing a bit after the bottle (about 1/2-1 ounce) and three times even refused the bottle and nursed right away! 

Hopefully this trend continues. 

Of course, despite all this shit, I am thoroughly enjoying the boys. I love cuddling with them. I admit I sleep with at  least one at least once during the night and seeing their REM, hearing their coos, feeling their twitches, smelling their hair, is just so special. 

Five Days Postpartum

I am so enamored of these little boys. Their tiny hands, eyelashes, noises, everything is so adorable. I certainly do not love when they wake up at 3 am and cry nonstop for 30 minutes, but I do not find myself ever feeling too negative about anything. I guess the struggle to bring them into the world really has made me a better mother. And the same for my husband. We are so in awe of being able to create these precious lives.

Thankfully they arrived without a problem at 6.1 and 5.4 pounds. When they were wrapped up and walked out of the OR with C, I realized in my drugged up state that they would not see NICU! 

Unfortunately, I did not recover as well and other obstacles arose after. During recovery, my blood pressure spiked to 190? Over 99 and would not budge. Weird, because I actually fine. But since it would not decline, I had to stay in recovery until they forced it to lower with magnesium, which made me feel so nauseous. And had to stay on magnesium for 24 hours which meant no nice labor suite but a tiny ass room with no bathroom and C sleeping in a chair. But at least boys were allowed in there with us. 

It was hard, though, being hooked up to several IV bags, wires everywhere, nausea galore. I threw up while breastfeeding the boys. Luckily not on them because of intervention by C and nurses. People coming in and out to check on me, boys, give us info and sometimes scary like one twin with low blood sugar. Me fighting to breastfeed them despite the easy fix of formula. Me fighting to see them but having to wait forever because the nursery was on a different floor. 

The next day was better when we finally were moved upstairs. (Though removal of catheter and peeing first time - OW!!!) Blood sugar issues with other twin, and hospital's decision to give him formula. Me worried it would permanently scar breastfeeding and receiving update with judgmental friends present who thought I just did not advocate enough. 

Long night of no one sleeping. Blood sugar stabilized but twins cluster feeding and taking 30 minute breaks at most. Feeling a lot of pain but nausea and drowsiness and "drunkenness" from pain meds. Just drifting off but getting interruptions to take vitals, check babies, bring pain meds, take food order, bring food, be visited by OB on call, be visited by pediatrician on call, trying to ask questions and imbibe information through the haze. 

Next day same thing but felt slightly better and twins have stabilized. Took first shit and it hurt so bad. Working through one twin's squirminess and crying when trying to get him to latch. Getting nurse and lactation consultant's help but they make it seem easy. When I am on my own with C's help we are so much worse. One nurse thinks tongue tie is the issue but pedi on call does not agree. 

Trying to soak up all the knowledge before we are released unceremoniously into the workd. But the time comes and we arrive home with our boys. 

We are getting better each day. C and I are a great team. C is a great father. My love for him has reached new depths. My body looks and feels horrible which is far worse to me than sleeplessness or anything else. But it will get better. It will get smoother.

First pedi appointment today and one twin is already over birth weight, other very close. And at only five days, when they hope for this milestone by two weeks!! So even with slight tight tongue, we are making exclusive breastfeeding work so far and I am proud and happy. The twins are all that matter. 

Baby A (though B in utero) - A

Baby B - P

33w5d

My OB scheduled a C section date for me, which he told C and me at the last appointment. September 3. I will be 37w2d. I immediately protested this date as I wanted to wait until 38w at earliest. He would not budge. I still feel disappointed, like the boys won't be as strong as they can be, their latching will suck, etc. by forcing the birth to be that early. I do not like this idea!!!!

I do not like the idea of a C section anyway. I am scared at being cut open. I am scared that I will be stuck in bed because of being in pain. 

I worry that my ability to breastfeed and have skin to skin time will be ruined because of giving birth in the OR. And because the twins are being born at 37w2d.

I am feeling anxiety about everything. That I will die. That one or both babies will die or arrive with severe defects. 

I also worry that because I am sleeping significantly less but not feeling the need to catch-up nap, that menstrual type cramps have started and become more frequent, gaseousness has increased, and that I just feel off, that labor will start soon. And then I will need an emergency C section.

Ahh a lot on my mind and I have always had anxiety issues. I have been getting massages and going to therapy but need to ramp up the frequency. The problem is leaving the house to do these things. I just do not want to sometimes. I am tired. I am sore. I waddle. My feet swell frequently.