Thanksgiving As It Should Be

I cannot help but reflect on how different my life is compared to a year ago. At this time last year, I was in a depressive state. My husband was scared for my life, and honestly, with good reason. 

This year, I enjoyed my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving - by making a turkey and a few sides with C's help, and having one of our dearest couple friends over. Though I scarfed my food in order to enjoy it hot before babies awoke, it was still a lovely meal. 

The next day, C and I got our Christmas tree and opened our boxes of decorations. Because of the boys, it took two days to finish everything. My heart was full of joy and gratitude for my complete family, for the current and future memories with our children, the enjoyment of simple things like lights and food and music and laughter. I felt a beautiful warmth as we looked at our ornaments and reflected on their origins, and how we would get to share these memories with the boys - and many new ones as well. I feel so lucky that I am able to live again and live more fully than ever before. 

The boys are twelve weeks and I am continuously astounded by their growth. They interact so much more with us now. Conversing with us and even staring at us are preferred pasttimes over toys, though they each play so well on the mats now - and even independently. A enjoys tummy time, P not so much but I am slowly seeing him improve over the last few days.

They still sleep in bed with us, and the midnight crazies are only a few times a week instead of daily. Which means much better sleep at night. They are feeding much less at night now, too. Maybe they would not at all but when they stir I stick a boob in their mouth to placate them and to prevent them waking up and then they often eat a few minutes. I have gotten P to nap in the crib during the day but A not yet. A is much more the type to prefer falling asleep on me and often with his mouth on the breast. Moving him without waking him is tough. Plus, I like the cuddles. 

Since I have been home with them, we have not been on a strict schedule. This I assume will change quite a bit tomorrow when they start daycare. My heart is broken over leaving them. I have cried so much recently. They will attend a church based daycare even though C and I are not religious. It is a smaller place, not with a lot of bells and whistles, but seems like a close-knit staff and was personally recommended by my lactation consultant. Also, it is 3-5 minutes from my work so I can hopefully feed the boys and drop in unannounced occasionally. Furthermore, I will be working only til 1 daily so they will not be there too long each day. 

But despite all the pep talk, I am freaking out. Will they ignore my boys' cries? Will they sit in dirty diapers? Will they be stimulated and encouraged? Will they be safe? Will they refuse the breast since they will be getting bottles regularly? Will my milk supply suffer? (And if so, I will be using my pumping breaks to go there and feed. I really really want to breastfeed til six months.) 

I have to stop writing now because this is making me sad. So I will go now and enjoy my birthday, enjoy my family day with C and the boys. 

PS- I have nearly 1000 ounces of frozen breastmilk. Hope the boys will drink it.

Holiday Season Recap

The 2014 holidays are over and I am tired and relieved. Having company at our house for the days leading up to and including Christmas helped me from slipping into the depression that took hold during Thanksgiving weekend. It also helped me immensely to not participate in Christmas decorating or gift exchanges. I was still sad that day, as meaningless group texts of "Merry Christmas" littered my phone and no one was available to talk because they were so busy with their families, while I sat at home with only two others and pretended it was any other day but it was not. My own mom and dad did not contact me, nor other family members that we normally hear from. Sad on so many levels, but a relief at the same time. 

Two days after Christmas, while at lunch with C and his mom, alcohol took over and I started bawling at the table. C joined in. The grief of infertility combined with sadness that our one close family member was going back home and wouldn't see us again for a few months at minimum, was too much. We were hysterically crying and telling her how bad we actually are doing and how isolated and lonely we were. It was good in a way because it alerted her to how our lives really are, but it sucked since she had to leave right after this revelation.

The next day, I had an RE appointment for "day 12" ultrasound and bloodwork. The stair-stepped dose of 7.5 mg of Femara did its job and I had two 19 mm follicles, a 16 mm follicle and estradiol of 395. I was instructed to trigger that night and return Monday and Tuesday for IUIs. I think the E2 seems low given the number of follicles so I am not very positive but I am not as worried as I usually am. Probably because I am just so tired of this shit. 

On Tuesday we also had the financial consultation for IVF. I will write a separate post soon on this because it was a lot of information.

Yesterday, we went to a college bowl game and tailgated with my boss and his family, with whom we regularly attend sports events. I got too drunk and soon after kickoff started crying to C about infertility. My boss and his wife were right next to us and unfortunately heard us. They were very comforting, but damn, I am embarrassed!! 

The game ended around 11:45 so we barely got to our cars to ring in the new year. We kissed briefly but did not really absorb the moment. But that is ok. I probably would have ruminated on how disastrous 2014 was had I had the chance. 

Today, C and I are hung over and watching football. I am not lucid enough to think much about last year or this year yet. Obviously, I hope this is the year I get pregnant but I would also hope that I can become more at peace with this struggle if it does not happen. I hope that I can approach the inevitable pregnancy announcements with more grace. I hope that I have the strength to reach out to friends who are pregnant and support them and be happy for them. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Managing the Depression

So many wonderful readers have reached out to me with their concerns, and I am so appreciative. Now that I am somewhat myself again, I realize that my previous post and behavior last week were quite alarming.

I have taken steps to rectify my depressed state. I went to the therapist who runs the closed support group (even though she does not accept insurance and it is $85! per session) and she was, as I suspected she would be, very helpful. I have a follow up appointment with her next week. Next week, I also have an appointment with the therapist I have been seeing the past month (not as helpful, but does take insurance) and my psychiatrist, whom I have not seen since 18 months ago when I was embarking on the TTC journey. 

I know that depression does not go away overnight, and can recur, even if I do feel more like myself again. I plan on contuining therapy with the "new" therapist and reaching out to my support network more actively to get me through the holidays and the fertility struggles. 

Speaking of which, my husband agreed to continue treatment this month (as long  as I actively work on the depression). I really wanted one last chance to get pregnant in 2014, and I also feel that I am less likely to neglect my health when I have fertility implications at stake. 

To those going through fertility issues, please learn from my experience and do not forsake your mental health. Chances are you will feel depression at some point if you go through this for awhile, and if you have a history of depression, you are even more likely to struggle with it. Please please be aware of your emotional barometer and talk to friends, family and professionals regularly for help. 

Depression

I am depressed. Like, truly depressed. I am just tired and detached all the time. I feel barely anything. I can only connect IF I have some herb and/or alcohol in me, and even then, the window is small.

I know only I have the power to change myself, but I cannot even get anything started or care to do so. C is so sad to see this. He cried openly a lot this weekend. I felt sad for his sadness but in a detached way. I keep telling him to just break up with me. I do not want him to see me waste away. If he leaves, which he will eventually if I do not get better, then I can just kill myself.

He wants to help me. He says he will help me. I hope so because I cannot help myself. I do not know how.

So needless to say this weekend basically sucked. And it's my fault. It started out well. We saw our hockey team play (and win!) on Wednesday. Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving food together. I did start to feel sad that day. Most people of course except us were busy with their families and we were spending hours and effort on a tiny (albeit delicious) meal for us. Yes, we were invited to many places, including a potluck at a friend's for all those without family in town, but it still pisses me off and saddens me.

Saturday the lethargy and depression reached an apex. It was my birthday. I did not want it to be my birthday. C kept asking me if I wanted to go out, what I wanted to eat. And frankly, I did not want to feel special. I did not deserve that. I did not want a reminder that I was now a 32 year old childless loser. I did not want to realize that I was near to the end of the weekend, with nothing accomplished, but yet with no energy to accomplish things.

I am so lost. All the things I have been using to cope with sadness over the past year - exercise, support groups, therapy, projects - are no longer working. 

C suggested that I return to taking antidepressants (weaned off them about 2 months before TTC after about 18 months of use). But I should not be on them while pregnant. I cannot get off them quickly without feeling awful so what would I do? But I am starting to think that maybe the risk is worth it. And, I need to stop assuming I will be pregnant soon. I have been assuming it for over a year and not been right. Ever.

And with my reduced mental stability, I wonder if I should even pursue fertility treatments. I am trying to teach myself that I do not care anymore if they work. And in some ways, I do not care. Because I do not want to hope for it because I am constantly disappointed.

A woman in my fertility group left her husband this weekend. They got together as teenagers, so I know that a lot of the problems were just due to them growing apart. But, their fertility troubles definitely amplified and accelerated the distance between them. I wonder if the same will happen to us. I say it like it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is hard for me to picture ever feeling happy without a family. And I will probably always feel jealous and incomplete without my own children. And I just don't see why C would want to be with someone who is always partially miserable, especially when he could grieve never having any and move on to live a happy life. 

Ahhhhh I need help. I do not know what to do. I hope C can help me to help myself. Because I am

lost, I am afraid, I am broken, I am a shell of a person.