Three Months Old

Damn, time is going by too quickly. They barely fit in 0-3 month clothing now. I used to sleep holding A, then he stopped that and preferred to sleep with his mouth on my breast, and now it seems he just wants to sleep on his own (but next to me.) 😥 Although after nursing he does still sleep on my breast. Love it!!

But with the loss of things like that, other things are gained. Like how they smile when I get to daycare. Or perk up when they hear my voice. And they are awake more and play more with us. So of course those things are wonderful.

I started work the other day. Naturally, I cried the first day and thought of them all day. I was only at work 4 hours the first day. P refused the bottle, A only ate 0.5 ounces. They both made up for the absence and fed and cuddled extra the rest of the afternoon amd evening. 

The second day was my usual new part-time shift of 6 hours (7 am-ish to 1 pm) but rather than pumping halfway into the shift, I drove to the daycare and breastfed them. So now that is what I do. Which is good because at most A has been taking 1 ounce and P usually refuses the bottle.

So now I wake up at 5:50, eat and get dressed, C changes and dresses one baby when I am about five minutes from being done, I feed one baby around 6:15 (very brief since they are half asleep and I generally will dream feed them between 5 and 5:30), toward end of that feeding C gets other baby dressed, I feed other baby while C puts him in carseat and burps him, I put second baby in carseat while C loads first baby in car, then C loads second baby in car while I get final touches ready like icepack from freezer. 

Drop babies off at 7. Arrive to work 5 minutes later. Pump for 15 minutes (but takes around 30 minutes with setup and cleanup), work til 10:30, go feed babies, return around 11, work til 12:58, pick up babies. Usually feed one right there in daycare, the other either in the car or when we get home. 

After work, feed a baby, try to eat lunch, wash breast pump parts, get items replenished for next day, etc. Play with babies. This new life is quite exhausting for all of us. 

Thanksgiving As It Should Be

I cannot help but reflect on how different my life is compared to a year ago. At this time last year, I was in a depressive state. My husband was scared for my life, and honestly, with good reason. 

This year, I enjoyed my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving - by making a turkey and a few sides with C's help, and having one of our dearest couple friends over. Though I scarfed my food in order to enjoy it hot before babies awoke, it was still a lovely meal. 

The next day, C and I got our Christmas tree and opened our boxes of decorations. Because of the boys, it took two days to finish everything. My heart was full of joy and gratitude for my complete family, for the current and future memories with our children, the enjoyment of simple things like lights and food and music and laughter. I felt a beautiful warmth as we looked at our ornaments and reflected on their origins, and how we would get to share these memories with the boys - and many new ones as well. I feel so lucky that I am able to live again and live more fully than ever before. 

The boys are twelve weeks and I am continuously astounded by their growth. They interact so much more with us now. Conversing with us and even staring at us are preferred pasttimes over toys, though they each play so well on the mats now - and even independently. A enjoys tummy time, P not so much but I am slowly seeing him improve over the last few days.

They still sleep in bed with us, and the midnight crazies are only a few times a week instead of daily. Which means much better sleep at night. They are feeding much less at night now, too. Maybe they would not at all but when they stir I stick a boob in their mouth to placate them and to prevent them waking up and then they often eat a few minutes. I have gotten P to nap in the crib during the day but A not yet. A is much more the type to prefer falling asleep on me and often with his mouth on the breast. Moving him without waking him is tough. Plus, I like the cuddles. 

Since I have been home with them, we have not been on a strict schedule. This I assume will change quite a bit tomorrow when they start daycare. My heart is broken over leaving them. I have cried so much recently. They will attend a church based daycare even though C and I are not religious. It is a smaller place, not with a lot of bells and whistles, but seems like a close-knit staff and was personally recommended by my lactation consultant. Also, it is 3-5 minutes from my work so I can hopefully feed the boys and drop in unannounced occasionally. Furthermore, I will be working only til 1 daily so they will not be there too long each day. 

But despite all the pep talk, I am freaking out. Will they ignore my boys' cries? Will they sit in dirty diapers? Will they be stimulated and encouraged? Will they be safe? Will they refuse the breast since they will be getting bottles regularly? Will my milk supply suffer? (And if so, I will be using my pumping breaks to go there and feed. I really really want to breastfeed til six months.) 

I have to stop writing now because this is making me sad. So I will go now and enjoy my birthday, enjoy my family day with C and the boys. 

PS- I have nearly 1000 ounces of frozen breastmilk. Hope the boys will drink it.

Just Me and the Boys

It's been four days since my mom left and although it IS harder to be alone with the boys, I love it. Seven weeks of company was too much. I never had privacy, I was constantly fixing the moms' mistakes, C and I never had couple time hardly.* No routines for the boys were established because it was too hard with moms around.

Yes, it is harder to juggle household chores, but I am at peace now. What I miss the most is help when the boys are simultaneously melting down, or one was crying while I'm feeding the other. I am certainly becoming more creative in handling them, and our recent acquisition of a second swing has been a lifesaver.

They are still sleeping in the bed with us and we usually get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep. Which means I wake up engorged these days. I only pump in the morning, around 10 minutes, and easily get 10-12 ounces. I have around 500 ounces in my freezer! I am paranoid supply will drop when I return to work.

Speaking of work...totallly dreading my return. I really wish I could stay home the first year with them. But, I cannot, so the compromise is to work part-time until they are six months. Now, my boss and I need to agree on a schedule. I need to figure out if I want three days a week or five shorter days. I would love full days off with them to go to baby classes, snuggle, just chill, but I'm sure a daily routine might be good for them, as well as to not have them in daycare too long. Might be better for breastfeeding to not have to pump and do the bottle too much. Ahhh!!!! 

I get really sad when I think about daycare. I cannot even write all my thoughts because it is too much.

I am just starting to feel human. Just starting to explore with them. They get their shots on Friday so I will have just two full weeks to go wherever in public, whenever. Then, back to fucking life. Without my babies. Fuck. 

*Tried to have sex the other day and could not. I was too tight I guess from inactivity and even with lube it was too painful. Ugh. I just want to be devirginized!!!