I Need to Relax

I know I need to relax more about things with the boys. But it is hard. I know when the moms are around I overreact about things. Like when my MIL forgets to take off her shoes when going into the nursery. Part of me is screaming inside, you are tracking dirt on to their rug that they play on, you fucking filthy pig! Another part of me is saying, at least she is helping, a little dirt won't kill them. But I still find myself getting angry. I usually do not say anything unless they are really fucking things up, like when they started playing with the boys as I am trying to encourage them to nap. Ummm why else would they be in a swing? Geez!

Maintaining a household with twins while working outside the home is hard. It is exhausting. It requires utmost efficiency or things will fall apart. That is why when I expect to be gaining time because a mom has offered to grocery shop, I get super pissed when you forget to buy the essential freezer bags that were in your hand but you accidentally put back on the shelf because you got a phone call and got distracted. Because now I have to re-allot time to get the bags. And a half hour trip to the grocery store just to buy one thing is infuriating. 

I know I need to relax more, go with the flow, since when they come to visit they want to help. I also think subsequent visits will go smoother since the moms will be more experienced taking care if the boys and learning our systems. 

C and I have always made a good team, and luckily, that is still the case. He knows at what moment in the morning he needs to start getting a baby dressed, and when I finish feeding the first baby, the second one appears with magical timing. We have even been finding time to work out together. We lift weights in our living room twice a week while the boys nap or look on at us with delight. We try and play tennis once during the weekend, and the last time the boys chilled in the stroller for an hour just watching birds and joggers! Hopefulky it is a new habit of theirs. 

And, we finally had sex! I was very tight and it was rather painful, but no bleeding and it was still enjoyable. I guess since we have no one to babysit yet we will be destined to have quickies for awhile but hopefully we can make it a regular thing. 

Just Me and the Boys

It's been four days since my mom left and although it IS harder to be alone with the boys, I love it. Seven weeks of company was too much. I never had privacy, I was constantly fixing the moms' mistakes, C and I never had couple time hardly.* No routines for the boys were established because it was too hard with moms around.

Yes, it is harder to juggle household chores, but I am at peace now. What I miss the most is help when the boys are simultaneously melting down, or one was crying while I'm feeding the other. I am certainly becoming more creative in handling them, and our recent acquisition of a second swing has been a lifesaver.

They are still sleeping in the bed with us and we usually get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep. Which means I wake up engorged these days. I only pump in the morning, around 10 minutes, and easily get 10-12 ounces. I have around 500 ounces in my freezer! I am paranoid supply will drop when I return to work.

Speaking of work...totallly dreading my return. I really wish I could stay home the first year with them. But, I cannot, so the compromise is to work part-time until they are six months. Now, my boss and I need to agree on a schedule. I need to figure out if I want three days a week or five shorter days. I would love full days off with them to go to baby classes, snuggle, just chill, but I'm sure a daily routine might be good for them, as well as to not have them in daycare too long. Might be better for breastfeeding to not have to pump and do the bottle too much. Ahhh!!!! 

I get really sad when I think about daycare. I cannot even write all my thoughts because it is too much.

I am just starting to feel human. Just starting to explore with them. They get their shots on Friday so I will have just two full weeks to go wherever in public, whenever. Then, back to fucking life. Without my babies. Fuck. 

*Tried to have sex the other day and could not. I was too tight I guess from inactivity and even with lube it was too painful. Ugh. I just want to be devirginized!!!