I Need to Relax

I know I need to relax more about things with the boys. But it is hard. I know when the moms are around I overreact about things. Like when my MIL forgets to take off her shoes when going into the nursery. Part of me is screaming inside, you are tracking dirt on to their rug that they play on, you fucking filthy pig! Another part of me is saying, at least she is helping, a little dirt won't kill them. But I still find myself getting angry. I usually do not say anything unless they are really fucking things up, like when they started playing with the boys as I am trying to encourage them to nap. Ummm why else would they be in a swing? Geez!

Maintaining a household with twins while working outside the home is hard. It is exhausting. It requires utmost efficiency or things will fall apart. That is why when I expect to be gaining time because a mom has offered to grocery shop, I get super pissed when you forget to buy the essential freezer bags that were in your hand but you accidentally put back on the shelf because you got a phone call and got distracted. Because now I have to re-allot time to get the bags. And a half hour trip to the grocery store just to buy one thing is infuriating. 

I know I need to relax more, go with the flow, since when they come to visit they want to help. I also think subsequent visits will go smoother since the moms will be more experienced taking care if the boys and learning our systems. 

C and I have always made a good team, and luckily, that is still the case. He knows at what moment in the morning he needs to start getting a baby dressed, and when I finish feeding the first baby, the second one appears with magical timing. We have even been finding time to work out together. We lift weights in our living room twice a week while the boys nap or look on at us with delight. We try and play tennis once during the weekend, and the last time the boys chilled in the stroller for an hour just watching birds and joggers! Hopefulky it is a new habit of theirs. 

And, we finally had sex! I was very tight and it was rather painful, but no bleeding and it was still enjoyable. I guess since we have no one to babysit yet we will be destined to have quickies for awhile but hopefully we can make it a regular thing. 

Just Me and the Boys

It's been four days since my mom left and although it IS harder to be alone with the boys, I love it. Seven weeks of company was too much. I never had privacy, I was constantly fixing the moms' mistakes, C and I never had couple time hardly.* No routines for the boys were established because it was too hard with moms around.

Yes, it is harder to juggle household chores, but I am at peace now. What I miss the most is help when the boys are simultaneously melting down, or one was crying while I'm feeding the other. I am certainly becoming more creative in handling them, and our recent acquisition of a second swing has been a lifesaver.

They are still sleeping in the bed with us and we usually get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep. Which means I wake up engorged these days. I only pump in the morning, around 10 minutes, and easily get 10-12 ounces. I have around 500 ounces in my freezer! I am paranoid supply will drop when I return to work.

Speaking of work...totallly dreading my return. I really wish I could stay home the first year with them. But, I cannot, so the compromise is to work part-time until they are six months. Now, my boss and I need to agree on a schedule. I need to figure out if I want three days a week or five shorter days. I would love full days off with them to go to baby classes, snuggle, just chill, but I'm sure a daily routine might be good for them, as well as to not have them in daycare too long. Might be better for breastfeeding to not have to pump and do the bottle too much. Ahhh!!!! 

I get really sad when I think about daycare. I cannot even write all my thoughts because it is too much.

I am just starting to feel human. Just starting to explore with them. They get their shots on Friday so I will have just two full weeks to go wherever in public, whenever. Then, back to fucking life. Without my babies. Fuck. 

*Tried to have sex the other day and could not. I was too tight I guess from inactivity and even with lube it was too painful. Ugh. I just want to be devirginized!!!

Eight Weeks Old

Wow, time is going by too quickly! In four weeks, I will be going back to work and will be unable to see my precious boys all day. I can't even think about it much right now, I get too emotional.

Adjusted age is five weeks. They are awake and alert more and more. We enjoy short playtime or looking around time every day now. They smile occasionally and may even think of me as more than a food source (at times.) 

The reflux has gotten much better. When they do have a flareup it is generally only at night. I have been able to reduce the occurrences by placing them in the center of the bed so they are cuddled together and I lay next to one twin, do side-lying feeding when he starts stirring and before he awakes. I get up and go to the other twin to feed him. This way no twin is being picked up and since they have the other twin's body heat they don't wake up and flip out if I move to feed the other one. Of course, I still cuddle with one twin at all times! It also has been helping to give a pacifier (ok'ed by lactation consultant at last visit.) Only A will take it, though. I don't usually change them between midnight and six unless they wake up or cry or I hear them fart/poop.

I have not drunk milk in three days because I am trying to see if less dairy impacts them. I realize cutting out all dairy may be needed, and may be the next step if this does not make a difference. I believe I may have an issue with overactive letdown as well. Even though my supply is fabulous (from pumping once a day I have nearly ninety bags of frozen milk with average 4 oz in each bag) I do not want to decrease it to deal with the letdown until after I go back to work and see how it holds up under the stress of pumping and being away from the babies. I do feel bad, though, for the boys. P in particular gulps a lot, I think somewhat because he is such an enthusiastic eater, and ends up with gas sometimes. That may be partially dairy aversion too. A is a smoother and more flexible eater but spits up more afterwards.

They are still quite difficult from around 6 pm until midmight. They need to eat and be changed more often, and want to be held a lot more. And they are hardly settled for any time when putting them down. Makes for a lot of cold or reheated dinners. With my mom still here, there are two people to hold babies while the third person eats. But soon, we will just have to eat one handed or deal with more crying.  It is amazing how much better you get at doing things one handed so you can carry a baby. Like yesterday I made grilled cheese with bacon and tomato. 

I have bought carriers and used them briefly around the house. The babies love to be carried. I still need to find the perfect one. I bought several the other day, will update soon when I figure out more details.

Been venturing out more to parks lately. Hopefully the boys like it. Played mini tennis for first time last week. Belly Ban.dit made me feel less jiggly but I wasn't trying too much because my hips hurt. Oh well. I am walking more and more and by lifting babies am sort of lifting light weights. Need to just take it slow and build up to running, squats and harder activities.

Still haven't had sex yet. Hard with my mom around. We tried once in the car but I have tightened up down there from inactivity and will definitely need to ease into it at home. I feel ugly and gross do not really feel like rushing anyway. I have lost nearly all pregsncy weight, but my stomach is still loose and lumpy above infision area. The glue looks dark and gross. My muscle tone in legs is gone. In clothes thankfully I look pretty good but only if I use the Bandit. 

9w6d and the Sad State of Our Sex Life

I had an ultrasound today. I was not supposed to have another one until my NT scan in two weeks, but my anxiety at waiting four weeks between ultrasounds was too much to bear, so I asked my OB if I could have an extra one. The tech at that office is on vacation this week, so I got sent to the hospital to have one. And I insisted that C accompany me, because I'm too scared to be there alone and get bad news. 

It was weird to be in a hospital, but the techs were great and I got to see the babies! They were moving their arms and legs around which was so cool to me. Simply a beautiful sight for my scared mind. They are still on top of each other laying sideways. Baby A's ass is on top of Baby B's face lol. They did not provide measurements though I did glimpse one baby's heartbeat was 174. But that was fine with me. I mainly wanted to know they were alive. 

Anyway, not much else happening. Still hungry a lot. Grilled cheese has been a fave lately as well as almond milk mixed with regular milk.  

Our sex life has really taken a hit. It was bad while we struggled with infertility but we are still not back in our groove. Part of it is me, I know I get more tired by 9 pm and that is tough because C does not get home til 8 and we aren't even done eating til around 8:30 except for Fridays. Part of the problem is on the weekends we have been trying to finish painting the outside of our house, which makes it hard for sexy times. And C is insecure about his past ED so he does not initiate because of that. Ugh, I really want to fix this soon because I don't know when restrictions may start, and of course right after giving birth is not a time to rejuvenate the sex life. 

This is what I mean. Infertility does not go away or get cured when you become pregnant. Yes, the struggles change, but normalcy regarding pregnancy and birth does not automatically arrive, either.