Thursday, January 1, 2015

Holiday Season Recap

The 2014 holidays are over and I am tired and relieved. Having company at our house for the days leading up to and including Christmas helped me from slipping into the depression that took hold during Thanksgiving weekend. It also helped me immensely to not participate in Christmas decorating or gift exchanges. I was still sad that day, as meaningless group texts of "Merry Christmas" littered my phone and no one was available to talk because they were so busy with their families, while I sat at home with only two others and pretended it was any other day but it was not. My own mom and dad did not contact me, nor other family members that we normally hear from. Sad on so many levels, but a relief at the same time. 

Two days after Christmas, while at lunch with C and his mom, alcohol took over and I started bawling at the table. C joined in. The grief of infertility combined with sadness that our one close family member was going back home and wouldn't see us again for a few months at minimum, was too much. We were hysterically crying and telling her how bad we actually are doing and how isolated and lonely we were. It was good in a way because it alerted her to how our lives really are, but it sucked since she had to leave right after this revelation.

The next day, I had an RE appointment for "day 12" ultrasound and bloodwork. The stair-stepped dose of 7.5 mg of Femara did its job and I had two 19 mm follicles, a 16 mm follicle and estradiol of 395. I was instructed to trigger that night and return Monday and Tuesday for IUIs. I think the E2 seems low given the number of follicles so I am not very positive but I am not as worried as I usually am. Probably because I am just so tired of this shit. 

On Tuesday we also had the financial consultation for IVF. I will write a separate post soon on this because it was a lot of information.

Yesterday, we went to a college bowl game and tailgated with my boss and his family, with whom we regularly attend sports events. I got too drunk and soon after kickoff started crying to C about infertility. My boss and his wife were right next to us and unfortunately heard us. They were very comforting, but damn, I am embarrassed!! 

The game ended around 11:45 so we barely got to our cars to ring in the new year. We kissed briefly but did not really absorb the moment. But that is ok. I probably would have ruminated on how disastrous 2014 was had I had the chance. 

Today, C and I are hung over and watching football. I am not lucid enough to think much about last year or this year yet. Obviously, I hope this is the year I get pregnant but I would also hope that I can become more at peace with this struggle if it does not happen. I hope that I can approach the inevitable pregnancy announcements with more grace. I hope that I have the strength to reach out to friends who are pregnant and support them and be happy for them. 

We'll see how it goes. 


  1. I too hope that this next year you find more peace, either through pregnancy or through a sense of less despair than this year. Sending love your way for 2015!