Holiday Season Recap

The 2014 holidays are over and I am tired and relieved. Having company at our house for the days leading up to and including Christmas helped me from slipping into the depression that took hold during Thanksgiving weekend. It also helped me immensely to not participate in Christmas decorating or gift exchanges. I was still sad that day, as meaningless group texts of "Merry Christmas" littered my phone and no one was available to talk because they were so busy with their families, while I sat at home with only two others and pretended it was any other day but it was not. My own mom and dad did not contact me, nor other family members that we normally hear from. Sad on so many levels, but a relief at the same time. 

Two days after Christmas, while at lunch with C and his mom, alcohol took over and I started bawling at the table. C joined in. The grief of infertility combined with sadness that our one close family member was going back home and wouldn't see us again for a few months at minimum, was too much. We were hysterically crying and telling her how bad we actually are doing and how isolated and lonely we were. It was good in a way because it alerted her to how our lives really are, but it sucked since she had to leave right after this revelation.

The next day, I had an RE appointment for "day 12" ultrasound and bloodwork. The stair-stepped dose of 7.5 mg of Femara did its job and I had two 19 mm follicles, a 16 mm follicle and estradiol of 395. I was instructed to trigger that night and return Monday and Tuesday for IUIs. I think the E2 seems low given the number of follicles so I am not very positive but I am not as worried as I usually am. Probably because I am just so tired of this shit. 

On Tuesday we also had the financial consultation for IVF. I will write a separate post soon on this because it was a lot of information.

Yesterday, we went to a college bowl game and tailgated with my boss and his family, with whom we regularly attend sports events. I got too drunk and soon after kickoff started crying to C about infertility. My boss and his wife were right next to us and unfortunately heard us. They were very comforting, but damn, I am embarrassed!! 

The game ended around 11:45 so we barely got to our cars to ring in the new year. We kissed briefly but did not really absorb the moment. But that is ok. I probably would have ruminated on how disastrous 2014 was had I had the chance. 

Today, C and I are hung over and watching football. I am not lucid enough to think much about last year or this year yet. Obviously, I hope this is the year I get pregnant but I would also hope that I can become more at peace with this struggle if it does not happen. I hope that I can approach the inevitable pregnancy announcements with more grace. I hope that I have the strength to reach out to friends who are pregnant and support them and be happy for them. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Overdue Updates

Sorry, I have been a bad blogger recently. 

I am on day 18 of cycle or also known as day 3 of my cycle. Last week on day 12, I had an ultrasound and bloodwork. There were mostly small follicles (largest at 11 mm) and estradiol (E2) of 124. I was told to return in two days, which is what happens every cycle. 

Day 14, some growth had occurred with largest follicle measuring 15 mm and two others at 11 and 13. E2 had dropped to 20. I freaked out! E2 drops typically right before ovulation but I had no nearly mature follicles so I knew that could not be an explanation. When I had had a cyst, the levels had dropped so I started thinking that could be the issue, or perhaps empty follicles or just plain old shitty follicles. 

It took a day and a half but I finally reached the RE to discuss whether I should even continue this cycle. He said sometimes E2 levels will drop when a patient is on Letrozole (since it inhibits estrogen to force ovulation) and since the follicles were growing, he was hoping I would agree to return in three days to see if anything had changed before giving up on the cycle.

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and called the phone tree after 3:30 and there were no instructions. Even by 5:15 I had heard nothing! I was freaking out because now the office was closed and it would be hard to reach someone if I had questions. Plus, I had assumed that I would need to come in for an IUI the next day and I wanted to tell my boss as soon as I could. So I called the answering service to get my damn results. 

Got a call from a nurse soon after and the news sucked. Estradiol essentially the same at 22 and follicular growth had stagnated with only a .5 mm change in largest follicle. The plan was for me to stair step the Femara dose and act like it was a new cycle. Take Femara at 7.5 mg for five days, give myself a Gonal-F injection on Christmas! 😡, and come back in for bloodwork/ultrasound three days after that.

Naturally, I was saddened to hear the news. The last semblance of positivity I had about the cycle had vanished. Since I am gearing up for IVF I was not as disappointed as I normally would be but it still sucks. It sucks that the Clomid/Femara is working less effectively over time, which I hear happens often. Two cycles ago, very weak ovulation. Then a cyst. Now, a very poor response to the medication. 

It's obvious I now need the big guns of drugs, injectibles for days and IVF. Fuck. The last shred of dignity and attachment in the process of conceiving is probably gone. My kid is gonna be conceived in a damn Petri dish. That sucks.

Ugh, I need to take a breather. I just paused to breathe deeply. It helped a bit. I need to not worry about steps 2 and 3 and just worry about step 1.  It's hard. Anticipatory behavior has always been a strength of mine, something that has proven so helpful.With infertility it just makes me crazy with all the possibilities. And even when I think I have thought everything through something unexpected still happens. No fucking control over my life or my body.

I am moving forward with acupuncture as an additional treatment. Getting C in there soon to boost his sperm quality for IVF which will now earliest be in mid February. Then I will start going a few times here and there. 

Ugh. I can do this. Right? I think?