Tuesday, September 1, 2015

37 Weeks and the Anxiety is Consuming Me

The anxiety is just too much right now. Yesterday I spent a lot of the day crying, which luckily was exhausting and led to a lot of sleeping. I am so happy in many ways to have twins, such as the desire to avoid future fertility treatments, and to see their special bond develop. But from a pregnancy standpoint, it has sometimes made me sad to not have a "normal" pregnancy. I have been classified as high-risk from the beginning, so that has always meant two doctors, and additional expenses and tests. The huge fear of incompetent cervix, which ruined the typical enjoyment that arrives in the second trimester and caused me to receive a no-sex mandate, that even though was not agreed upon by the MFM, put a scare into C and me and ruined pregnancy sex for us. So now we have not had sex for ages, and I have been too horny to even cuddle, so I feel lonely with so little contact with my husband and for the first time ever I feel worried he would want to cheat on me.

And the birth experience - knew early on that C section was more likely. Which also saddened me. I will never give birth vaginally. I would not be able to look into midwives and doulas and labor techniques like all my preggo friends are. I would not even be able to consider drug free birth because no matter what, I was to be relegated to a fucking operating room. With a crowd of people attending to me, intimidating me, and likely fucking up the "zen" I want in place to breastfeed. 

And breastfeeding. Going to be a huge obstacle with twins.  Just having two babies with two different personalities and needs will make it tough. Never mind the problem that their sucking and latching is not often fully developed in time for their births. 

And what else will not be fully developed? I am having so much anxiety they will be in the NICU. That I will have to see my babies with tubes and IVs in their tiny bodies. That I will go home without either or both of them. That maybe if they avoid NICU or do not stay long, they will still be weaker and have issues. Twins are much more likely to have health and cognitive issues even a few years later.

Never mind the normal shit to worry about from birth. Cord accidents, oxygen deprivation, all this shit that I cannot prevent (or maybe could have by pushing harder for a later birth) and may have to live with. 

It is too much to share with people. So I am avoiding everyone. I will respond to the inane texts "Are you ready?" "You must be over being pregnant" "I can't wait to meet the boys" with equally inane answers but there is no way I can talk like that in person or on the phone. I am too emotional to play that game. 

So yeah, IF I am ready it is just a readiness to have a conclusion to my worries. To have to process an actual situation instead of pondering all the possibilities.