Friday, August 28, 2015

35w3d Still Not Connected

It is sad how little I have enjoyed this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it considering it is my likely my last one, but the anxiety makes it impossible.

Conceptually I realize I am pregnant, two babies are seemingly well inside me, and if born will likely do well, barring the freak accident. Conceptually, I prepare things like a nursery, carseats, FMLA paperwork, in anticipation of their arrival.

But I still find myself unable to completely process myself in a situation where babies come home with me next week. I do not talk or sing to them. I do not refer to them by name. I do not allow any excitement or belief to creep in. 

I fucking hate how miscarriage and infertility have made me this way. I was already an anxious person before all this happened, and now it is even worse. I do not share this with people because they say it will be fine blah blah blah. Guess what? You do not fucking know that. LOTS of things could still go wrong. Especially because my body does not have a good track record with regard to fertility matters.

There is not much else to write. 


  1. Awww I kinda feel you. I don't have conversations with her, and I don't sing directly to her. I also have never read to her and I thought FOR SURE I'd do that once stable-y pregnant. To be honest, I want her to coe out but people keep telling me to bake her longer, as if I can control that. The truth is, my uterus has traditionally been a death trap, and the sooner she's out, the less time for something to go wrong that I can't see or fix.

    1. This is why I blog...understanding, not judgment, is what I can expect to receive. So grateful for that. Yes yes yes! I know parenting will be hard, but I feel like it is easier to spot problems on the outside. In utero I can only rely on intermittent reports from medical people who often cannot see the whole story and may miss something.