7w6d

I think I have started to feel nausea over the last few days. It's more of a persistent low-grade nausea that gets more pronounced in the evenings. It may be partially due to me not eating well and the tendency to try to eat larger dinners. 

I really can't eat big meals anymore. Makes me sick and very bloated after. The best approach has been to eat tiny snacks on an hourly basis and small meals over a 30 minute span. Animal crackers have been wonderful. I am in love with berries and red grapes. No aversions at this point.

On Friday at 7w3d, my Doppler arrived and of course I had to try it. C got immediately excited because he thought he heard the heartbeat. I had to explain it was the placenta because he was hearing a whooshing noise, like wind, not heartbeats which are like horses' hooves. We tried for about 10 minutes but couldn't find it. I wasn't really expecting anything so I wasn't disappointed. I may try again tonight, or just wait until after the ultrasound. 

I have not jumped into any aspect of embracing pregnancy yet - no joining of birth month groups, pinteresting nursery ideas, or starting a pregnancy journal. C was at a training this weekend and I guess because he was bored, started a list of baby names. Luckily it was short because I just did not want to discuss it at all. Why get into this idea now when it can still very easily be taken away from us? But I did not say that to C. He is much more optimistic now that we have surpassed our previous milestone of the first ultrasound. 

I cannot quite be that way yet. Obviously last time my body did not realize the baby was not alive inside me and still produced pregnancy symptoms, so that is not the most reassuring thing for me to feel all is going well. Plus, compared to others at my stage, I'm really not feeling much. And, I have heard more of tragedies at all stages of pregnancies. I just cannot be like him yet. 

Two more days. I will know in two days. In the meantime, I will just keep going to the gym, working a lot and doing deep breathing. And - maybe freaking out here and there. 

Stupid Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss Brain

My fears of loss have really consumed me lately. Both yesterday and today I ran to the bathroom at work in crying fits several times. Today my breasts felt less full and sore after lunch which reminded me of the precursor to my loss. I cried for much of the rest of the day. I contemplated dialing the RE to see if I could get an ultrasound tomorrow or Thursday, a week ahead of my next scheduled appointment. C tried to soothe me and so did the pregnant woman from my fertility group. They helped me temporarily but I cannot stop worrying.

I ordered a home Doppler ultrasound but I know it cannot often detect a heartbeat until around 9-10 weeks. Therefore I still probably have no way of knowing if all is well until 8 LONG DAYS from now. 

I cannot take the pain of going through this again. Yesterday, my coworker whose wife just gave birth returned to work. Since then, baby talk abounds in our area. I feel the same sadness as before when this type of conversation occurs - wondering if I will ever know the joy of having my own child. There is no certainty of a positive outcome in my world. There is nothing I can do to change my destiny. Yet I cannot stop worrying, as if I somehow think of every possibility it will make me feel better.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss is fucking hard. I do still prefer this to not being pregnant, but this is also hard. There is a lot of anxiety in my life still. I still miss my firstborn who was never born. I still grieve the possibilities that never became realities. I still feel alone and misunderstood. People think I should be eternally happy and fixed now that I am pregnant. I am scared that my body will fail me again, will fail my precious babies. I am scared that I will never hold a baby of my own. 

Random Pregnancy Thoughts

As I am graduating from the RE in two weeks, I am supposed to have an appointment with the OB the following week (9 weeks). I called today to make the appointment because they fill up quickly and are slow as hell. But, it was scary to do that! It's like assuming the 8 week scan will go well, and I sure am not confident about that until after it's over! 12 days to go..at least it's in the morning this time...

Even if pregnancy symptoms increase (which I *think* I feel more hunger lately, and today I've felt lightheaded all day) maybe one baby is in distress or my body is too stupid sgain to know nothing is progressing.

 

But I try to also remember the stats I read earlier: "Research has shown that if you see a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy, the chances of the pregnancy continuing are 78%.

A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%."  I guess this is the downside of support groups, hearing way too many stories of babies passing away at 8,10,14,20 weeks or even being burn stillbirn or with cords around theur necks. I'm a ball of anxiety.  And ambivalence. And an emotional yo-yo.

Mixed Emotions

I had my second beta yesterday and at 17 dpo it was 750. Two days prior it was 324 so the doctor is happy with the rise and wants to see me again at 21 dpo.  Progesterone was not retested since it was 55 at 15 dpo. 

When I received the news, I was pretty thrilled. So far, things were good quantitatively and qualitatively. Betas were robustly rising. Breasts were becoming more full by the day, weird tastes were starting to occasionally permeate my mouth, and bouts of lightheadedness would occur. "Menstrual" cramps would flare up throughout the day and cause me to double over. I pictured myself getting over 2,000 on Tuesday (hopefully close to 3,000) and being able to schedule the ultrasound.

An hour later, I was a ball of pessimism. I reminded myself that the last pregnancy had a promising rise in betas as well until the 3,800 mark where the progress stagnated and the following week was only 4,700. At this exact point in that pregnancy, I had similar symptoms of breast heaviness/pain and lightheadedness. (There were also cramps, though this time around they are much more frequent and painful.) Therefore, things could still easily go wrong and I could easily be in the same situation again. But not the same, because it would hurt worse. 

While the last pregnancy was much wanted, the baby much loved, I have to say this time I feel even greater love and attachment (though also much greater detachment as well). I have thought about this baby, wished and hoped for its existence, every day for nearly 18 months. It has been the sole reason for my decisions and has been my entire world. To lose the hopes and dreams that I occasionally allow myself to have this time would be so crushing. There would be no naive optimism after a loss that by the next month I would be pregnant again. I know if a loss occurs, it could easily take another eighteen months to conceive again. Maybe even longer since I AM getting older and less fertile daily. And I would need medical intervention and I obviously get cysts from the treatments so rest months would be needed, plus I would get burnt out....So, this could be my only and last chance to have my own baby. And that is fucking scary.  

Phantom Pregnancy

I am a pathetic sack of shit. A negative test at 13 dpo, plus slight cramping, indicates a period is nigh. 

I know my only real "symptom" - sore heavy breasts- is from the progesterone supps. The incredible thirst, which was a symptom when I was pregnant for realsies, is probably just from all the unhealthy food and dehydration experienced while in Indiana.

So why am I hoping that all evidence is wrong and I am pregnant?

Because I am a pathetic sack of shit.