8w1d and Second Ultrasound

Had my second ultrasound today at the RE. Everything still looking ok! They are both measuring slightly ahead - Baby A at 8w2d and Baby B at 8w6d. Heartbeats were at 170 bpm, and this time, we got to hear the sweet sound. They look like shrimp now, with a C shaped back. There are tiny arm buds and eye sockets now. 

And..a few minutes of us talking, and I was officially released from the RE. C was ecstatic, ready for the adieu to this place of mostly stress, but I could not join in, thinking of how soon will I be back when things go wrong? 

I barely enjoyed the good news today. I still feel like there is no point in rejoicing when there is still such an arduous road ahead. Like the path of incompetent cervixes. I am so fucking terrified of announcing the pregnancy, getting excited, and then losing these babies to this issue. It's why in a sick way, for a split second, I had wanted a few weeks ago to lose one. Make it more likely for the other to survive. But, I love and want them both. I feel ashamed that thought entered my troubled mind. I have not started imagining an actual life with them yet, but I hope I can get there. After all, this is likely my only successful pregnancy if it works out, so it would be nice to enjoy it a little.

So now, hoping the Doppler will work toward the end of the week and waiting til next week for my first OB appointment, when I will ask about preventive cerclage MFM visits, and cervix length monitoring.  

By the way, I started to show this week. In my tighter shirts like gym clothes you can see a round belly. Work clothes you can't tell at all. And everything still fits. Getting more hungry than before as well. If I don't keep snacks on hand and let my belly get empty, I feel like shit. So, forcing myself to munch something, even an animal cracker, approximately every hour or so.

Mixed Emotions

I had my second beta yesterday and at 17 dpo it was 750. Two days prior it was 324 so the doctor is happy with the rise and wants to see me again at 21 dpo.  Progesterone was not retested since it was 55 at 15 dpo. 

When I received the news, I was pretty thrilled. So far, things were good quantitatively and qualitatively. Betas were robustly rising. Breasts were becoming more full by the day, weird tastes were starting to occasionally permeate my mouth, and bouts of lightheadedness would occur. "Menstrual" cramps would flare up throughout the day and cause me to double over. I pictured myself getting over 2,000 on Tuesday (hopefully close to 3,000) and being able to schedule the ultrasound.

An hour later, I was a ball of pessimism. I reminded myself that the last pregnancy had a promising rise in betas as well until the 3,800 mark where the progress stagnated and the following week was only 4,700. At this exact point in that pregnancy, I had similar symptoms of breast heaviness/pain and lightheadedness. (There were also cramps, though this time around they are much more frequent and painful.) Therefore, things could still easily go wrong and I could easily be in the same situation again. But not the same, because it would hurt worse. 

While the last pregnancy was much wanted, the baby much loved, I have to say this time I feel even greater love and attachment (though also much greater detachment as well). I have thought about this baby, wished and hoped for its existence, every day for nearly 18 months. It has been the sole reason for my decisions and has been my entire world. To lose the hopes and dreams that I occasionally allow myself to have this time would be so crushing. There would be no naive optimism after a loss that by the next month I would be pregnant again. I know if a loss occurs, it could easily take another eighteen months to conceive again. Maybe even longer since I AM getting older and less fertile daily. And I would need medical intervention and I obviously get cysts from the treatments so rest months would be needed, plus I would get burnt out....So, this could be my only and last chance to have my own baby. And that is fucking scary.