And..a few minutes of us talking, and I was officially released from the RE. C was ecstatic, ready for the adieu to this place of mostly stress, but I could not join in, thinking of how soon will I be back when things go wrong?
I barely enjoyed the good news today. I still feel like there is no point in rejoicing when there is still such an arduous road ahead. Like the path of incompetent cervixes. I am so fucking terrified of announcing the pregnancy, getting excited, and then losing these babies to this issue. It's why in a sick way, for a split second, I had wanted a few weeks ago to lose one. Make it more likely for the other to survive. But, I love and want them both. I feel ashamed that thought entered my troubled mind. I have not started imagining an actual life with them yet, but I hope I can get there. After all, this is likely my only successful pregnancy if it works out, so it would be nice to enjoy it a little.
So now, hoping the Doppler will work toward the end of the week and waiting til next week for my first OB appointment, when I will ask about preventive cerclage MFM visits, and cervix length monitoring.
By the way, I started to show this week. In my tighter shirts like gym clothes you can see a round belly. Work clothes you can't tell at all. And everything still fits. Getting more hungry than before as well. If I don't keep snacks on hand and let my belly get empty, I feel like shit. So, forcing myself to munch something, even an animal cracker, approximately every hour or so.