Today

I had a six week postpartum checkup at the OB today. Two years ago, I was there in anticipation of seeing my baby on the ultrasound, but instead found out there was no viable baby. My life was forever changed. I still think of myself as the person before October 16, 2013, and the person after. Because I could never go back to the carefree person before that date, even though I am now happy and mostly whole again. 

I feel sad, and just weird in general about this. So grateful for my boys. But still angry that my path to get them was marked by so much pain and tragedy. 

I will now hold my boys tight, breathe in their scent, rub their soft hair on me, and shed a tear or two. A mixture of sadness and happiness. But so very luckily, more happiness.

PS- Yesterday was Infant and Child Loss Remembrance Day. My heart goes out to all those who were affected by this event. It is the worst pain to lose a child, and I hope you found a way to honor the memories and also to be kind to yourself. 

Mixed Emotions

I had my second beta yesterday and at 17 dpo it was 750. Two days prior it was 324 so the doctor is happy with the rise and wants to see me again at 21 dpo.  Progesterone was not retested since it was 55 at 15 dpo. 

When I received the news, I was pretty thrilled. So far, things were good quantitatively and qualitatively. Betas were robustly rising. Breasts were becoming more full by the day, weird tastes were starting to occasionally permeate my mouth, and bouts of lightheadedness would occur. "Menstrual" cramps would flare up throughout the day and cause me to double over. I pictured myself getting over 2,000 on Tuesday (hopefully close to 3,000) and being able to schedule the ultrasound.

An hour later, I was a ball of pessimism. I reminded myself that the last pregnancy had a promising rise in betas as well until the 3,800 mark where the progress stagnated and the following week was only 4,700. At this exact point in that pregnancy, I had similar symptoms of breast heaviness/pain and lightheadedness. (There were also cramps, though this time around they are much more frequent and painful.) Therefore, things could still easily go wrong and I could easily be in the same situation again. But not the same, because it would hurt worse. 

While the last pregnancy was much wanted, the baby much loved, I have to say this time I feel even greater love and attachment (though also much greater detachment as well). I have thought about this baby, wished and hoped for its existence, every day for nearly 18 months. It has been the sole reason for my decisions and has been my entire world. To lose the hopes and dreams that I occasionally allow myself to have this time would be so crushing. There would be no naive optimism after a loss that by the next month I would be pregnant again. I know if a loss occurs, it could easily take another eighteen months to conceive again. Maybe even longer since I AM getting older and less fertile daily. And I would need medical intervention and I obviously get cysts from the treatments so rest months would be needed, plus I would get burnt out....So, this could be my only and last chance to have my own baby. And that is fucking scary.  

(In)fertility Timeline - Part 1

I think it would be helpful for my readers to have more details about my (in)fertility thus far. This is Part 1, about my loss. 

In early 2013, I started putting the pressure on my husband to try and conceive. He was nervous (as was I) but agreed to start trying after our vacation in late June. I figured it would take me 2-3 months to regulate, then get pregnant, and of course have a baby from that pregnancy - ha!

The first cycle was 35 days. I had been on birth control for about 10 years prior, so I figured this is the length of my natural cycle. When another 35 days had gone by, then 40, with no positive home pregnancy test (HPT)or symptoms, I got confused. Called my OB, who called me in for a blood test. It came back negative. They said wait another 30 days if no positive HPT then come in again. 

After about 10 days, I woke up one day with sore, heavy breasts. I tested 3 days later and got a positive HPT. (At this point, it was around 55 days since last   period). Made an OB appointment and a few days later, pregnancy was confirmed.

The next two betas were appropriately rising. We scheduled an ultrasound. Obviously, we were super excited to see the baby and find out our due date (estimated around my husband's birthday!) But, we found out that there was no baby. C had to go to a funeral right after, and I numbly went to work. We waited anxiously until the next day for the ultrasound. The next day, the nurse confirmed the betas had barely risen and probably to not have hope. I broke down, left work immediately and cried for the rest of the day.

I had joined the Bump for my birth month info but had not posted at all or even read much yet. I switched to the miscarriage boards, introduced myself, and started reading voraciously. Cried some more. 

Over the next week, I cried every day and felt my one symptom - sore, heavy breasts - start to disappear. So by the time I went for a repeat beta and ultrasound a week after the previous debacle, I had little hope of a miracle. Results confirmed a slight decline in the sac size and beta levels. I was asked to return in a week for a repeat beta, and told I would need to miscarry naturally.

I was nervous over the next few days, wondering when and how I would miscarry. On a Friday afternoon, I started to feel cramps. By the time I got home from work, the cramps had intensified. Later that evening, they became unbearable and I parked on the toilet, wailing, as C held my hand. Clots and blood poured out of me. I cried from sadness that my baby was in the toilet. 

By the next day, most everything had passed and the cramps were much more bearable. I continued bleeding for a week, and the betas returned to 0 about 3 weeks later. (SO awesome to go to your OB office for the betas to confirm you're less pregnant while being surrounded by pregnant people.) 

After about a month, I was ready to have sex and exercise. Both helped immensely in getting me more normalized, as well as the dropping betas. I figured I would be getting pregnant, or a first period, soon and by Christmas would have another baby inside me to help ease (but not erase) the acute pain I felt all day, every day. But I was wrong, so wrong.....