Tuesday, October 28, 2014

(In)fertility Timeline - Part 1

I think it would be helpful for my readers to have more details about my (in)fertility thus far. This is Part 1, about my loss. 

In early 2013, I started putting the pressure on my husband to try and conceive. He was nervous (as was I) but agreed to start trying after our vacation in late June. I figured it would take me 2-3 months to regulate, then get pregnant, and of course have a baby from that pregnancy - ha!

The first cycle was 35 days. I had been on birth control for about 10 years prior, so I figured this is the length of my natural cycle. When another 35 days had gone by, then 40, with no positive home pregnancy test (HPT)or symptoms, I got confused. Called my OB, who called me in for a blood test. It came back negative. They said wait another 30 days if no positive HPT then come in again. 

After about 10 days, I woke up one day with sore, heavy breasts. I tested 3 days later and got a positive HPT. (At this point, it was around 55 days since last   period). Made an OB appointment and a few days later, pregnancy was confirmed.

The next two betas were appropriately rising. We scheduled an ultrasound. Obviously, we were super excited to see the baby and find out our due date (estimated around my husband's birthday!) But, we found out that there was no baby. C had to go to a funeral right after, and I numbly went to work. We waited anxiously until the next day for the ultrasound. The next day, the nurse confirmed the betas had barely risen and probably to not have hope. I broke down, left work immediately and cried for the rest of the day.

I had joined the Bump for my birth month info but had not posted at all or even read much yet. I switched to the miscarriage boards, introduced myself, and started reading voraciously. Cried some more. 

Over the next week, I cried every day and felt my one symptom - sore, heavy breasts - start to disappear. So by the time I went for a repeat beta and ultrasound a week after the previous debacle, I had little hope of a miracle. Results confirmed a slight decline in the sac size and beta levels. I was asked to return in a week for a repeat beta, and told I would need to miscarry naturally.

I was nervous over the next few days, wondering when and how I would miscarry. On a Friday afternoon, I started to feel cramps. By the time I got home from work, the cramps had intensified. Later that evening, they became unbearable and I parked on the toilet, wailing, as C held my hand. Clots and blood poured out of me. I cried from sadness that my baby was in the toilet. 

By the next day, most everything had passed and the cramps were much more bearable. I continued bleeding for a week, and the betas returned to 0 about 3 weeks later. (SO awesome to go to your OB office for the betas to confirm you're less pregnant while being surrounded by pregnant people.) 

After about a month, I was ready to have sex and exercise. Both helped immensely in getting me more normalized, as well as the dropping betas. I figured I would be getting pregnant, or a first period, soon and by Christmas would have another baby inside me to help ease (but not erase) the acute pain I felt all day, every day. But I was wrong, so wrong.....

1 comment:

  1. Oh god. I mean I am not in the best way today already but I am just sobbing for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Fingers crossed eventually we both have sticky babies inside us. Thank you for sharing.