At 24w6d I Still Feel Infertile At Times

Over the weekend, our close couple friends came over to help C paint the nursery. They announced their pregnancy and I felt happy for them. Until they said (without saying) that they conceived on their first month of trying. Ugh, that shit still rankles me so much! I feel such such an asshole for feeling this way. 

And two days later I am still a bit upset by their news. I feel like everyone around us conceives so easily. That it leaves C and me open for judgment, like they think they are superior to us and we had problems because we are less healthy or something. Which I know shouldn't matter because it's not even true but it annoys me.

I also am annoyed by my friends calling all their family to announce the news and how she just texted me her best friend is pregnant, too. It is so unfair that she can bask in the innocence of having a baby due at the same time as her friend, and here I am almost in the third trimester and I am still terrified of a loss every day. 

So yeah, I still have a lot of insecurities and still feel like an infertile freak even though I have two seemingly healthy babies inside me. Who still are not moving in a regular pattern. When they do move, it is stronger than before. Bubbles have yielded to kicks at times. 

Tomorrow I have a three hour glucose test because I failed my one hour test. I scored 132 and my office's cutoff is 130. But interestingly, I have seen cutoffs of 135 so I plan to ask about that. I have also started working from home twice a week. Not a doctor mandate but something that I wanted in order to nap and recline as needed. 

14w2d

The news is out at work. My boss' boss kept asking me if everyone knew yet and I was afraid of being outed so I decided to start telling people. People were very excited for me. I have been open to some about the miscarriage and fertility struggles leading up to this conception. Even when people asked if the twins are a result of fertility treatment I have readily admitted to it. I am kind of surprised at how comfortable I am sbout this, and a bit sad that I could not be before. 

I am getting so much attention at work from this pregnancy and it is overwhelming at times. I am not one who likes attention in settings like work, anyway, and I cannot be excited or connected the way people expect. Plus, I still feel the doom of incompetent cervix hanging over me so until I pass that stage, I cannot fully embrace that I will have healthy babies in my arms in September.

It is in a way auspicious that my coworkers found out when they did, because literally the next day my belly popped. And I finally bought some new clothes that display the bump and are more comfortable. Dresses and high waisted skirts are the best right now. 

My physical complaints are the pain/pressure in my left rib at night (better than last week and alleviated mostly by using a blanket to prop up that side) and dry itchy skin between my breasts. Daily coconut oil did not help but I think Vaseline might finally be the cure. I believe I now have a bladder infection because I have pain in that area when I stand or walk, and worse when I pee. And after I pee - torture!!!! Went to the OB today but their test only showed elevated white blood cells so they will not prescribe antibiotics until after infection is confirmed by the lab - tomorrow. So things will suck until tomorrow afternoon. 

C and I are meeting up with one of the ladies from my infertility support group and her husband this weekend. Our first time since I became pregnant. I have not told her it is twins since she only once asked about the pregnancy and the convo was not in the direction of mentioning twins. But since I am showing more than someone at my stage I am wondering if I should tell her in advance so she is not surprised by the belly. Or I could wear a frumpy T-shirt. Not sure yet what I will do. 

Tuesday is our elective gender ultrasound 

and I am excited. The first excitement I have really felt thus far. Hope to feel more of it once I see the twins again and personify them a bit more. 

(In)fertility Timeline - Part 1

I think it would be helpful for my readers to have more details about my (in)fertility thus far. This is Part 1, about my loss. 

In early 2013, I started putting the pressure on my husband to try and conceive. He was nervous (as was I) but agreed to start trying after our vacation in late June. I figured it would take me 2-3 months to regulate, then get pregnant, and of course have a baby from that pregnancy - ha!

The first cycle was 35 days. I had been on birth control for about 10 years prior, so I figured this is the length of my natural cycle. When another 35 days had gone by, then 40, with no positive home pregnancy test (HPT)or symptoms, I got confused. Called my OB, who called me in for a blood test. It came back negative. They said wait another 30 days if no positive HPT then come in again. 

After about 10 days, I woke up one day with sore, heavy breasts. I tested 3 days later and got a positive HPT. (At this point, it was around 55 days since last   period). Made an OB appointment and a few days later, pregnancy was confirmed.

The next two betas were appropriately rising. We scheduled an ultrasound. Obviously, we were super excited to see the baby and find out our due date (estimated around my husband's birthday!) But, we found out that there was no baby. C had to go to a funeral right after, and I numbly went to work. We waited anxiously until the next day for the ultrasound. The next day, the nurse confirmed the betas had barely risen and probably to not have hope. I broke down, left work immediately and cried for the rest of the day.

I had joined the Bump for my birth month info but had not posted at all or even read much yet. I switched to the miscarriage boards, introduced myself, and started reading voraciously. Cried some more. 

Over the next week, I cried every day and felt my one symptom - sore, heavy breasts - start to disappear. So by the time I went for a repeat beta and ultrasound a week after the previous debacle, I had little hope of a miracle. Results confirmed a slight decline in the sac size and beta levels. I was asked to return in a week for a repeat beta, and told I would need to miscarry naturally.

I was nervous over the next few days, wondering when and how I would miscarry. On a Friday afternoon, I started to feel cramps. By the time I got home from work, the cramps had intensified. Later that evening, they became unbearable and I parked on the toilet, wailing, as C held my hand. Clots and blood poured out of me. I cried from sadness that my baby was in the toilet. 

By the next day, most everything had passed and the cramps were much more bearable. I continued bleeding for a week, and the betas returned to 0 about 3 weeks later. (SO awesome to go to your OB office for the betas to confirm you're less pregnant while being surrounded by pregnant people.) 

After about a month, I was ready to have sex and exercise. Both helped immensely in getting me more normalized, as well as the dropping betas. I figured I would be getting pregnant, or a first period, soon and by Christmas would have another baby inside me to help ease (but not erase) the acute pain I felt all day, every day. But I was wrong, so wrong.....