Monday, June 15, 2015

At 24w6d I Still Feel Infertile At Times

Over the weekend, our close couple friends came over to help C paint the nursery. They announced their pregnancy and I felt happy for them. Until they said (without saying) that they conceived on their first month of trying. Ugh, that shit still rankles me so much! I feel such such an asshole for feeling this way. 

And two days later I am still a bit upset by their news. I feel like everyone around us conceives so easily. That it leaves C and me open for judgment, like they think they are superior to us and we had problems because we are less healthy or something. Which I know shouldn't matter because it's not even true but it annoys me.

I also am annoyed by my friends calling all their family to announce the news and how she just texted me her best friend is pregnant, too. It is so unfair that she can bask in the innocence of having a baby due at the same time as her friend, and here I am almost in the third trimester and I am still terrified of a loss every day. 

So yeah, I still have a lot of insecurities and still feel like an infertile freak even though I have two seemingly healthy babies inside me. Who still are not moving in a regular pattern. When they do move, it is stronger than before. Bubbles have yielded to kicks at times. 

Tomorrow I have a three hour glucose test because I failed my one hour test. I scored 132 and my office's cutoff is 130. But interestingly, I have seen cutoffs of 135 so I plan to ask about that. I have also started working from home twice a week. Not a doctor mandate but something that I wanted in order to nap and recline as needed. 

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