Thursday, June 11, 2015

My Friend Had a Loss Yesterday

Yesterday morning, I received a call at work from my friend A, who informed me at her 9w3d ultrasound, no heartbeat was found. Sadly, she was alone at the appointment since her wife had just started a new job. And, they had already had two previous ultrasounds, at one had even heard a heartbeat!

We were unable to continue our conversation until the evening since she went to work. Naturally, I started thinking about the day I first experienced my loss. I went to work afterwards as well and C had to go to his coworker's funeral. I had made it thru the day but after work, and for nearly two months afterward, I cried every day. Usually in the car on the way home as the pressure of keeping it together at work finally became unbearable. (Though granted, many tears were shed during the day in the bathroom.) 

Anyway, I suppose I expected for her emotions to mirror mine the day of the loss. She was very calm, analytical, however, pointing out how better timing in relation to get school vavation might be achieved with a pregnancy in three months instead. She mentioned she was still coming to my baby shower next month. I was shocked! But such a good lesson that we all process tragedy differently. 

I think I was more distraught than she. I relived my pain so intensely that I ended up bawling for awhile. The fear of losing these babies crept up on me once again. I felt some jealousy that she could move on so casually, while I nearly two years later still cannot go to an ultrasound appointment alone and I hold my breath every time until the tech tells me they are ok. I still tense when people refer to miscarriages and still get angry that no one acknowledges mine, and even less so now that I have my "replacement babies." (Which is NOT at all how I view the twins. This is from other people.) Basically, I am still hurt and scarred by this experience and wish so badly that I wasn't. I do firmly believe my ensuing infertility struggle made it harder to move on from my miscarriage. But it still sucks to feel so strongly a mark from both loss and infertility. 

I recently read a post from Twelve Week Eternities that sums up my feelings more eloquently than I can express:

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