Sunday, October 26, 2014
Random thought about infertility. Sometimes I try to determine the cause of my infertility and miscarriage. What I must have done to deserve this horrible fate? Like, I must have murdered kittens in a past life. That time (or times) I used my ex-stepfather's toothbrush to scrub unexpected period blood on my underwear. Or…something. I don't know. It really cannot ever be figured out.
But I do know that I will one day see why my life needed this experience. Once I get through to the other side. (Reminds me of my second favorite song by The Doors.) Whatever that other side might be. Right now I can only imagine one biological child or two from one pregnancy. Hopefully a second biological child if the first pregnancy resulted in a singleton birth. But if the first pregnancy takes too long, then maybe adoption. So I have some sub-options but Option A is still very much desired and tried for. And that is where I am in the infertility journey.
It's been just a bit over a year that infertility and miscarriage have dictated my life, my every fiber, permeated and controlled every second. I have never been obsessed with anything as much, and I am a very obsessive person with a history of obsessing. That is one reason why I need a blog. I have a diary that I have been keeping the last few months, as well as the support of fertility and miscarriage in-person groups, an amazing husband, and a few friends that I sort of discuss things with. But it's not enough. I have a need to blog, and I hope that I will both learn from and teach to my readers. Because infertility and miscarriage are fucking hard. They are events that isolate the sufferers. They are life-changing and life-defining events. And people need as much help as possible to get through these situations and not go crazy. I know that I will give and receive help through this blog.
I will post another time soon with a history of my life and "rules" of the blog (basically ways we can be respectful and protective of those suffering from or attempting to learn about infertility and pregnancy loss). Please stay tuned!
PS- I am brand-new to blogging. If I am committing an egregious act during blogging, please feel free to provide feedback.