Stupid Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss Brain

My fears of loss have really consumed me lately. Both yesterday and today I ran to the bathroom at work in crying fits several times. Today my breasts felt less full and sore after lunch which reminded me of the precursor to my loss. I cried for much of the rest of the day. I contemplated dialing the RE to see if I could get an ultrasound tomorrow or Thursday, a week ahead of my next scheduled appointment. C tried to soothe me and so did the pregnant woman from my fertility group. They helped me temporarily but I cannot stop worrying.

I ordered a home Doppler ultrasound but I know it cannot often detect a heartbeat until around 9-10 weeks. Therefore I still probably have no way of knowing if all is well until 8 LONG DAYS from now. 

I cannot take the pain of going through this again. Yesterday, my coworker whose wife just gave birth returned to work. Since then, baby talk abounds in our area. I feel the same sadness as before when this type of conversation occurs - wondering if I will ever know the joy of having my own child. There is no certainty of a positive outcome in my world. There is nothing I can do to change my destiny. Yet I cannot stop worrying, as if I somehow think of every possibility it will make me feel better.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss is fucking hard. I do still prefer this to not being pregnant, but this is also hard. There is a lot of anxiety in my life still. I still miss my firstborn who was never born. I still grieve the possibilities that never became realities. I still feel alone and misunderstood. People think I should be eternally happy and fixed now that I am pregnant. I am scared that my body will fail me again, will fail my precious babies. I am scared that I will never hold a baby of my own.