Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Stupid Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss Brain

My fears of loss have really consumed me lately. Both yesterday and today I ran to the bathroom at work in crying fits several times. Today my breasts felt less full and sore after lunch which reminded me of the precursor to my loss. I cried for much of the rest of the day. I contemplated dialing the RE to see if I could get an ultrasound tomorrow or Thursday, a week ahead of my next scheduled appointment. C tried to soothe me and so did the pregnant woman from my fertility group. They helped me temporarily but I cannot stop worrying.

I ordered a home Doppler ultrasound but I know it cannot often detect a heartbeat until around 9-10 weeks. Therefore I still probably have no way of knowing if all is well until 8 LONG DAYS from now. 

I cannot take the pain of going through this again. Yesterday, my coworker whose wife just gave birth returned to work. Since then, baby talk abounds in our area. I feel the same sadness as before when this type of conversation occurs - wondering if I will ever know the joy of having my own child. There is no certainty of a positive outcome in my world. There is nothing I can do to change my destiny. Yet I cannot stop worrying, as if I somehow think of every possibility it will make me feel better.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss is fucking hard. I do still prefer this to not being pregnant, but this is also hard. There is a lot of anxiety in my life still. I still miss my firstborn who was never born. I still grieve the possibilities that never became realities. I still feel alone and misunderstood. People think I should be eternally happy and fixed now that I am pregnant. I am scared that my body will fail me again, will fail my precious babies. I am scared that I will never hold a baby of my own. 


4 comments:

  1. Awwww. I know exactly how you feel. Everyday that I feel less pregnant, I freak out a little. Or worse, I feel really numb to the idea of a loss OR a birth. Every time I feel discharge from my estrace pills, my mind always goes to blood. I'm terrified to go back in next week and see no heartbeat. And then there's the dumb little voice in the back of my head saying, "Of course you're not gonna see a heartbeat, stupid! Good things never happen to you." *hugs* I don't know when it'll feel "real" or "safe", maybe never. I have a coworker who's due soon and I just can't feel the same as her, our attitudes are vastly different. People ask me if I've bought stuff yet and I'm just like...NO.

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    1. Yeah, it DOES feel like nothing good will happen to me! I'm so glad there are people who understand. I feel so alone IRL so it is just such a comfort to not feel crazy for my thoughts.

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  2. I can only imagine what you're going through after having experienced loss. I'm fortunate in that I haven't lost a baby (yet :/) but I honestly feel like if I lost this one it would take so much courage to even think about trying again. You're a brave woman and I hope only the best for you and the twins!

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    1. Thanks, hon. I hate that you added "yet" to your comment about loss. It shows how reluctant infertility "survivors" are to believe that things will be ok. We have experienced so much disappointment that it's hard to have blind hope. I can't wait til we have relaxed more and msybe even started enjoying ourselves a bit.

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