Sunday, November 16, 2014

This day sucks

The happiness is always short-lived. I wanted to have sex earlier but C's penis wouldn't stay hard. Always a tough situation. I try to be understanding but I know the disgust, annoyance and sadness show on my face. Even if we do it later, this incident will be on our minds and the enjoyment will be minimized. 

Went to lunch with friends. They announced their pregnancy. I had a feeling they would do that today. They started trying in August and this is the first time we have seen them since then. My radar was up and they could sense it. I couldn't fully enjoy our time together knowing the announcement was coming.

And it came. I congratulated them and asked the right questions. They were relieved. But, as always, after about five minutes it sunk in and I had to get the fuck out of there. I slipped out the back and made C tell them why we weren't going to the movies with them. My friend texted me after. I know they feel bad and sad but in the end they get the baby and we do not. 

So, another friendship over because of infertility. I'll never want to see them again because her belly will grow, then they will have the baby and I'll still be like this. Barren and too fucking broken to even ovulate.

I doubt I'll ovulate naturally, so no chance of getting a BFP this cycle. Then I have to take Provera. So no BFP this year. I may even have the IUIs right around Christmas. Awesome. Christmas is gonna suck even worse this year. 

I hate everyone and everything right now. Even the animals piss me off. The only children I will ever have are stupid fucking animals. I feel no connection to my husband and his stupid limp dick. I am alone. Not one person understands. Not ONE person or thing can make me feel better. 


  1. You're not alone. And I do understand. NO ONE SHOULD EVER TELL AN INFERTILE THAT THEY ARE PREGNANT IN PERSON. I can't think of anything worse. I definitely wouldn't have been able to "congratulate them and ask the right questions". I can't control my face in situations like that. And when I know that I'm being inappropriate, I tend to panic and make it worse. Basically, they would tell me, my face would register shock and horror, and then I would probably just spit on them. Or punch her in the face. And then run away. ...Yup, that's what I would do.

  2. Agreed...I do NOT like to be told in person. Especially at a table in a restaurant. Thankfully, we had already paid and we were outside so I had sunglasses on to mask my expression.

    Thanks for commiserating with me.