Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Friendships with Pregnant Infertiles

Back in June, I had joined a fertility support group run by a psychologist. The four of us became very close very quickly. We texted all the time and hung out frequently. We included our husbands and all got along great. 

I became so much calmer and happier when I first clicked with these ladies. Finally, people in real life to understand my predicament. But since around September, I began to distance myself. I felt so negative all the time from reaching the anniversary of trying, the anniversary of my loss, and just general burnout from months of continuous treatment. And meanwhile they were all so positive. Too positive. Even though none of them were in treatment, they felt it would just happen. And it did for one lady, about a month ago. 

Our little group is not what it was. We rarely text or get together anymore. Our support group meetings keep getting canceled because people cannot attend. I refuse to attend with a pregnant person present. And it has come out that the others feel the same way. The pregnant member texted us, somewhat angrily, that we could not be honest about this. 

I get it. I do. She is only about 8 weeks along and due to a uterine abnormality is at a higher risk of miscarriage, which makes her nervous to share the news with many people. She feels guilty at leaving us fertiles behind and misses our support. 

But I frankly do not care. In a few weeks, she will have a much lower chance of loss and she will share her news with everyone. At Christmastime, the best time to announce this. Whereas my Christmas will suck.

I have become so much more selfish and uncaring since discovering my fertility issues. I can barely protect myself so there is no energy left to protect others. I am willing to lose friendships because I cannot find happiness in others' happiness.  

And I hate that. I have always been so kind and cognizant of others' feelings. 

Will this ever stop? Will my only remaining friends be much older, much younger, or adamantly opposed to procreation? Will I find a way through this? Will it be soon enough to repair the strained friendships? (Strained because of my own sadness and insecurity.)  Because if I get pregnant in a few months, it will be ok. But another few years, who knows? 

I hate myself. I hate my negativity. But somehow I want the negativity. Because once the negativity goes away, I think that means I have accepted my fate of being childless. And I'm not ready to relinquish the dream yet. 

4 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. Aaaaall the time. I can't help it. I don't want to go to events that a pregnant woman will attend, even if she's someone I love. And it's just so hard to care about other people's feelings when I'm walking around as a raw bundle of pain and triggers. Everyone else should be sensitive to ME. And just like you I both hate and love my own negativity. I love it because it feels so good. I hate it because it makes me feel like a worse person and it's affecting friendships. I'm sorry about your anniversaries, though. That's so hard. Mine are coming up in a few months and I am just absolutely dreading them. Life sucks. That's all I have to say.

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  2. Yes, people should be sensitive to me (and you)! If we had another disease people would not expect as much from us. But because infertility is not seen as a disease (partially because we still look ok and can carry on all other essential functions) we are not given any slack.

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  3. I was literally just on FB and this pregnant person I know ( not really a friend) posted a pic of herself working out at home... Full preggo. And in better shape than me. Full preggo and a skinny bitch with a sweet bump. I literally yelled out loud "Fuck, Bonnie! Fuck her that bitch!" I am not proud of my reaction.Did I mention she is considerably older than me, in her mid 30's? And conceived right away? so really.. fuck her. I thought about unfollowing her and am ashamed to say that I didnt because I havent totally decided against posting something incredibly nasty on her page. God ladies, what kind of monster have I become?!

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    1. NO! You are not a monster. You are a human who has to face constant reminders of how ubiquitous and normal pregnancy is for almost every other damn person on earth. On a side note, why is she posting pictures like that? Who truly wants to see a picture if anyone working out? It's fucking weird. I bet fertiles are rolling their eyes at her post.

      I'm just going to have a drink for us over here.

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