I became so much calmer and happier when I first clicked with these ladies. Finally, people in real life to understand my predicament. But since around September, I began to distance myself. I felt so negative all the time from reaching the anniversary of trying, the anniversary of my loss, and just general burnout from months of continuous treatment. And meanwhile they were all so positive. Too positive. Even though none of them were in treatment, they felt it would just happen. And it did for one lady, about a month ago.
Our little group is not what it was. We rarely text or get together anymore. Our support group meetings keep getting canceled because people cannot attend. I refuse to attend with a pregnant person present. And it has come out that the others feel the same way. The pregnant member texted us, somewhat angrily, that we could not be honest about this.
I get it. I do. She is only about 8 weeks along and due to a uterine abnormality is at a higher risk of miscarriage, which makes her nervous to share the news with many people. She feels guilty at leaving us fertiles behind and misses our support.
But I frankly do not care. In a few weeks, she will have a much lower chance of loss and she will share her news with everyone. At Christmastime, the best time to announce this. Whereas my Christmas will suck.
I have become so much more selfish and uncaring since discovering my fertility issues. I can barely protect myself so there is no energy left to protect others. I am willing to lose friendships because I cannot find happiness in others' happiness.
And I hate that. I have always been so kind and cognizant of others' feelings.
Will this ever stop? Will my only remaining friends be much older, much younger, or adamantly opposed to procreation? Will I find a way through this? Will it be soon enough to repair the strained friendships? (Strained because of my own sadness and insecurity.) Because if I get pregnant in a few months, it will be ok. But another few years, who knows?
I hate myself. I hate my negativity. But somehow I want the negativity. Because once the negativity goes away, I think that means I have accepted my fate of being childless. And I'm not ready to relinquish the dream yet.