1st Birthday

My sweet boys recently turned one. Such a cliche, but time really does go by faster seemingly with little ones. They have blossomed into little boys who still nurse and also love solid foods, torturing each other, and giggling. They are curious about everything and constantly discover new ways to use and view things. 

I have had my doubts even when writing frequently if I had many readers, and now that I barely keep up with this blog, I probably have no one left. Which is ok. I started this page obviously to connect with others about my pain from infertility, and continued writing as I grappled with my fears during pregnancy after infertility and loss. Now that I am a mother, with little to no intentions of expanding our family, I do not have the desire to continue the blog. I am, for one, too busy to regularly write. Secondly, I am rather private and do not wish to share much about my children. 

So with that, I am saying goodbye. I will likely not update this blog again. However, if anyone reads this, especially someone struggling with infertility and/or loss, please feel free to message me and I will be happy to help. It is a lonely road, and I wish you luck traveling it. I truly hope you arrive at a destination you are happy with. Goodbye! 

Seven Months Old

Wow, I am really bad at blogging regularly. Being a mother of twins, working full time, selling one home and buying another take up literally all my time. I only shower once or twice a week because I have such limited time. And C and I are efficient, everything is just hard right now. Our babysitting choice flaked out twice, so now we have no options. And I have to choose carefully because recommendations by people with singletons or two of different ages will not always apply to twins. Twins overwhelm people. Twins fascinate people. We have half season hockey tickets and we are celebrities at the arena. People love to look at my cuties.

A soaks up the attention, has learned to bang his hand for it. He loves the bouncer and wants people to watch him bounce. He spends a lot of the day trying to crawl, but can only move in circles and sideways and plank. He knows how to sit but prefers to be mobile. 

P sits up so well and is so happy playing like that. He likes sitting at the table I had made for them. He eats anything I give him and shovels it into one pile and mskes a mess and wants his brother's mostly untiuched food. 

Love how different they are. 

I am hoping after moving to relax more and be less stressed. Have free time to enjoy things more. Like sex. It's been way too long. We are tired and busy and that isn't an excuse but it's why. And no babysitters. Yet.

Six Months Old

My boys are six months old already. Twenty six weeks. Half a year!! Oh my, things move quickly!

They have really changed a lot recently into "big babies." They are alert and curious and get excited and distracted by all sorts of things (which I find fascinating except when trying to nurse.) Things that are mundane to me are new to them, which opens my perspective.

They are mobile beings, rolling easily in both directions and as soon as they are put down! A crawls backwards and sideways, too. This has resulted in bsbies being far away from where they were placed, and very quickly! This has also reduced the available places I can put them down when I need a moment to do laundry, wash bottles, etc. They do tolerate the bouncers for a short time, but they are not in love with this activity yet. 

We are working on sitting, still only happening with assistance. We chose to follow baby-led weaning, and while they have both brought foods such as okra and cheese to their mouths, not much eating has happened yet. I don't think they are quite ready as they aren't interested in what's on our plates, but we will continue to work on that. Also, we plan to bring out the high chairs soon to facilitate inclusion at the dinner table.

The boys are now in pack and plays in our room. They do not always sleep through the night, so usually someone ends up in the bed during the night (often due to teething pain.) But only one baby at a time, which has helped immensely with quality of sleep. Hopefully their two teeth will pop all the way through someday, so we can have a break until the next ones appear. These are coming through so slowly! 

Life is quite busy as I now work full-time again and we are selling our house and looking for a new one. Somehow we are not insane yet, but the stress level is high. Really wish we had family locally sometimes so we could have a couples' night out. We have a good babysitter recommendation. Maybe we can start with her watching the boys while we are at home. 

Six Months Old

My boys are six months old already. Twenty six weeks. Half a year!! Oh my, things move quickly!

They have really changed a lot recently into "big babies." They are alert and curious and get excited and distracted by all sorts of things (which I find fascinating except when trying to nurse.) Things that are mundane to me are new to them, which opens my perspective.

They are mobile beings, rolling easily in both directions and as soon as they are put down! A crawls backwards and sideways, too. This has resulted in bsbies being far away from where they were placed, and very quickly! This has also reduced the available places I can put them down when I need a moment to do laundry, wash bottles, etc. They do tolerate the bouncers for a short time, but they are not in love with this activity yet. 

We are working on sitting, still only happening with assistance. We chose to follow baby-led weaning, and while they have both brought foods such as okra and cheese to their mouths, not much eating has happened yet. I don't think they are quite ready as they aren't interested in what's on our plates, but we will continue to work on that. Also, we plan to bring out the high chairs soon to facilitate inclusion at the dinner table.

The boys are now in pack and plays in our room. They do not always sleep through the night, so usually someone ends up in the bed during the night (often due to teething pain.) But only one baby at a time, which has helped immensely with quality of sleep. Hopefully their two teeth will pop all the way through someday, so we can have a break until the next ones appear. These are coming through so slowly! 

Life is quite busy as I now work full-time again and we are selling our house and looking for a new one. Somehow we are not insane yet, but the stress level is high. Really wish we had family locally sometimes so we could have a couples' night out. We have a good babysitter recommendation. Maybe we can start with her watching the boys while we are at home. 

Long Overdue Update - 23 1/2 Weeks Old

I think babyproofing may have to startsooner than I expected because they roll and rotate so well now. Especially A. They also play really well on their tummies and nap fairly well in cribs now. The swing is still used, too, but I try to start them napping in the cribs. Plus the swings are in the living room so there can sometimes be too many distractions.

P has slept thru the night three times in the last week. And in the pack n play (which is in our room.) A has awakened a lot lately crying terribly from teething pain so he has remained in our bed. You can feel the jagged edge of the tooth that has already started to poke thru, so I imagine the rest of the tooth will be out soon! We try to use washcloths, chamomile tea, teething toys, frozen teething rings during the day, and saving the homepathic gel just for nighttime. In general that seems to work.

When I dangled toys in front of both of them, A takes them first, confirming he is the dominant twin. A grabbed for his penis the other day - naturally when it had poop on it! Lol

I think P smiled at the dog yesterday. 

Love love love these boys. Hopefully they let me do some work from home today.

Also, our friends had their baby girl yesterday. She had been taking hypnobirthing classes to birth without meds but ended up using an epidural. In a way I was glad because I guess I still have disappointment at never experiencing labor. Sometimes I want to try for a girl, but then I think of how hard and expensive it is with two, and change my mind. Plus, I don't want to use fertility treatments so it may be useless to even desire this. Right now, no period anyway because I am still exclusively breastfeeding. Which I love and do not want to stop. I do not even want to think about solids, but sadly I must do so very soon. 

I Need to Relax

I know I need to relax more about things with the boys. But it is hard. I know when the moms are around I overreact about things. Like when my MIL forgets to take off her shoes when going into the nursery. Part of me is screaming inside, you are tracking dirt on to their rug that they play on, you fucking filthy pig! Another part of me is saying, at least she is helping, a little dirt won't kill them. But I still find myself getting angry. I usually do not say anything unless they are really fucking things up, like when they started playing with the boys as I am trying to encourage them to nap. Ummm why else would they be in a swing? Geez!

Maintaining a household with twins while working outside the home is hard. It is exhausting. It requires utmost efficiency or things will fall apart. That is why when I expect to be gaining time because a mom has offered to grocery shop, I get super pissed when you forget to buy the essential freezer bags that were in your hand but you accidentally put back on the shelf because you got a phone call and got distracted. Because now I have to re-allot time to get the bags. And a half hour trip to the grocery store just to buy one thing is infuriating. 

I know I need to relax more, go with the flow, since when they come to visit they want to help. I also think subsequent visits will go smoother since the moms will be more experienced taking care if the boys and learning our systems. 

C and I have always made a good team, and luckily, that is still the case. He knows at what moment in the morning he needs to start getting a baby dressed, and when I finish feeding the first baby, the second one appears with magical timing. We have even been finding time to work out together. We lift weights in our living room twice a week while the boys nap or look on at us with delight. We try and play tennis once during the weekend, and the last time the boys chilled in the stroller for an hour just watching birds and joggers! Hopefulky it is a new habit of theirs. 

And, we finally had sex! I was very tight and it was rather painful, but no bleeding and it was still enjoyable. I guess since we have no one to babysit yet we will be destined to have quickies for awhile but hopefully we can make it a regular thing. 

Christmas 2015

What a wonderful day! What a difference from the past two years. Two years ago, physical pain racked me from a killer strain of flu, and mental pain racked me from the loss of my baby. It was only a bearable day because I "knew" by 2014, I would be holding my next baby on my lap, or on the verge of giving birth. One year ago, there was even more anguish. There was the scary realization that all future Christmases could be spent childless. Avoiding and hating everyone and their familial happiness. Plying myself with alcohol and weed and Xanax and not feeling even a momentary buzz to take away the pain. Injecting myself with Follistim on that very day. 

This year, putting my boys in Santa suits. Trying to convince them to cooperate for photos simultaneously (a constant challenge with twins) but laughing all the while. Eating Christmas cookies. Opening gifts with and for the boys. Exchanging pictures with family and friends, feeling my heart glow at everyone's happiness. Walking around the neighborhood to look at the lights (A fell asleep, P loved it then fell asleep.) Even dealing with P's fussiness because of pre-teething was a blessing. Because I am a mother and my family is complete and happy. 

As I reflect on less stellar holiday memories, my heart aches for a good friend who still does not have her baby. And for all those who still yearn so badly to have a child. It sucks. I have no good advice at surviving the holidays because I could not handle things well at all. I

chose self-abuse, isolation and anger. Not really coping mechanisms at all. Just know if you are hurting, I understand and I am sorry. 

The State of My Body

C pointed out that in the past year I have had many different bodies. Pre-pregnancy, I was in good shape. My stomach was flat, my muscles toned, etc. During pregnancy, I was still doing weight training until around week 30, and until week 35, I worked out in the pool. So I maintained my muscle tone and my skin looked great (or so I thought, because after giving birth, suddenly stretch marks were all over my belly!) 

For about four weeks after giving birth, I was quite bloated and round from C section swelling. 

Then suddenly the bloat disappeared and my face became thin again. In clothes, my body looked great. A few weeks later, I looked good in clothes even without a belly band.it.

Now, I get compliments all the time when I am out. But, it feels weird to me sometimes because underneath ny clothes, my skin is lumpy from the C section, the linea negra remains, and there is just weird loose skin around my belly. Plus, the stretch marks and general discoloration. Also, I may be super skinny, but I have no ass and some loose flab where muscle tone is lost. 

I haven't bought new clothes even though my breasts are giant and preclude me from wearing many things. I've started working out, generally only 10-20 minutes is what I have time for, but at least it's something. The boys like to watch me work out for a short time. They enjoy stroller time too so I have run a few times while pushing them.

The body will hopefully come back. Not sure about the skin, though. 

Three Months Old

Damn, time is going by too quickly. They barely fit in 0-3 month clothing now. I used to sleep holding A, then he stopped that and preferred to sleep with his mouth on my breast, and now it seems he just wants to sleep on his own (but next to me.) 😥 Although after nursing he does still sleep on my breast. Love it!!

But with the loss of things like that, other things are gained. Like how they smile when I get to daycare. Or perk up when they hear my voice. And they are awake more and play more with us. So of course those things are wonderful.

I started work the other day. Naturally, I cried the first day and thought of them all day. I was only at work 4 hours the first day. P refused the bottle, A only ate 0.5 ounces. They both made up for the absence and fed and cuddled extra the rest of the afternoon amd evening. 

The second day was my usual new part-time shift of 6 hours (7 am-ish to 1 pm) but rather than pumping halfway into the shift, I drove to the daycare and breastfed them. So now that is what I do. Which is good because at most A has been taking 1 ounce and P usually refuses the bottle.

So now I wake up at 5:50, eat and get dressed, C changes and dresses one baby when I am about five minutes from being done, I feed one baby around 6:15 (very brief since they are half asleep and I generally will dream feed them between 5 and 5:30), toward end of that feeding C gets other baby dressed, I feed other baby while C puts him in carseat and burps him, I put second baby in carseat while C loads first baby in car, then C loads second baby in car while I get final touches ready like icepack from freezer. 

Drop babies off at 7. Arrive to work 5 minutes later. Pump for 15 minutes (but takes around 30 minutes with setup and cleanup), work til 10:30, go feed babies, return around 11, work til 12:58, pick up babies. Usually feed one right there in daycare, the other either in the car or when we get home. 

After work, feed a baby, try to eat lunch, wash breast pump parts, get items replenished for next day, etc. Play with babies. This new life is quite exhausting for all of us. 

Thanksgiving As It Should Be

I cannot help but reflect on how different my life is compared to a year ago. At this time last year, I was in a depressive state. My husband was scared for my life, and honestly, with good reason. 

This year, I enjoyed my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving - by making a turkey and a few sides with C's help, and having one of our dearest couple friends over. Though I scarfed my food in order to enjoy it hot before babies awoke, it was still a lovely meal. 

The next day, C and I got our Christmas tree and opened our boxes of decorations. Because of the boys, it took two days to finish everything. My heart was full of joy and gratitude for my complete family, for the current and future memories with our children, the enjoyment of simple things like lights and food and music and laughter. I felt a beautiful warmth as we looked at our ornaments and reflected on their origins, and how we would get to share these memories with the boys - and many new ones as well. I feel so lucky that I am able to live again and live more fully than ever before. 

The boys are twelve weeks and I am continuously astounded by their growth. They interact so much more with us now. Conversing with us and even staring at us are preferred pasttimes over toys, though they each play so well on the mats now - and even independently. A enjoys tummy time, P not so much but I am slowly seeing him improve over the last few days.

They still sleep in bed with us, and the midnight crazies are only a few times a week instead of daily. Which means much better sleep at night. They are feeding much less at night now, too. Maybe they would not at all but when they stir I stick a boob in their mouth to placate them and to prevent them waking up and then they often eat a few minutes. I have gotten P to nap in the crib during the day but A not yet. A is much more the type to prefer falling asleep on me and often with his mouth on the breast. Moving him without waking him is tough. Plus, I like the cuddles. 

Since I have been home with them, we have not been on a strict schedule. This I assume will change quite a bit tomorrow when they start daycare. My heart is broken over leaving them. I have cried so much recently. They will attend a church based daycare even though C and I are not religious. It is a smaller place, not with a lot of bells and whistles, but seems like a close-knit staff and was personally recommended by my lactation consultant. Also, it is 3-5 minutes from my work so I can hopefully feed the boys and drop in unannounced occasionally. Furthermore, I will be working only til 1 daily so they will not be there too long each day. 

But despite all the pep talk, I am freaking out. Will they ignore my boys' cries? Will they sit in dirty diapers? Will they be stimulated and encouraged? Will they be safe? Will they refuse the breast since they will be getting bottles regularly? Will my milk supply suffer? (And if so, I will be using my pumping breaks to go there and feed. I really really want to breastfeed til six months.) 

I have to stop writing now because this is making me sad. So I will go now and enjoy my birthday, enjoy my family day with C and the boys. 

PS- I have nearly 1000 ounces of frozen breastmilk. Hope the boys will drink it.

Just Me and the Boys

It's been four days since my mom left and although it IS harder to be alone with the boys, I love it. Seven weeks of company was too much. I never had privacy, I was constantly fixing the moms' mistakes, C and I never had couple time hardly.* No routines for the boys were established because it was too hard with moms around.

Yes, it is harder to juggle household chores, but I am at peace now. What I miss the most is help when the boys are simultaneously melting down, or one was crying while I'm feeding the other. I am certainly becoming more creative in handling them, and our recent acquisition of a second swing has been a lifesaver.

They are still sleeping in the bed with us and we usually get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep. Which means I wake up engorged these days. I only pump in the morning, around 10 minutes, and easily get 10-12 ounces. I have around 500 ounces in my freezer! I am paranoid supply will drop when I return to work.

Speaking of work...totallly dreading my return. I really wish I could stay home the first year with them. But, I cannot, so the compromise is to work part-time until they are six months. Now, my boss and I need to agree on a schedule. I need to figure out if I want three days a week or five shorter days. I would love full days off with them to go to baby classes, snuggle, just chill, but I'm sure a daily routine might be good for them, as well as to not have them in daycare too long. Might be better for breastfeeding to not have to pump and do the bottle too much. Ahhh!!!! 

I get really sad when I think about daycare. I cannot even write all my thoughts because it is too much.

I am just starting to feel human. Just starting to explore with them. They get their shots on Friday so I will have just two full weeks to go wherever in public, whenever. Then, back to fucking life. Without my babies. Fuck. 

*Tried to have sex the other day and could not. I was too tight I guess from inactivity and even with lube it was too painful. Ugh. I just want to be devirginized!!!

Eight Weeks Old

Wow, time is going by too quickly! In four weeks, I will be going back to work and will be unable to see my precious boys all day. I can't even think about it much right now, I get too emotional.

Adjusted age is five weeks. They are awake and alert more and more. We enjoy short playtime or looking around time every day now. They smile occasionally and may even think of me as more than a food source (at times.) 

The reflux has gotten much better. When they do have a flareup it is generally only at night. I have been able to reduce the occurrences by placing them in the center of the bed so they are cuddled together and I lay next to one twin, do side-lying feeding when he starts stirring and before he awakes. I get up and go to the other twin to feed him. This way no twin is being picked up and since they have the other twin's body heat they don't wake up and flip out if I move to feed the other one. Of course, I still cuddle with one twin at all times! It also has been helping to give a pacifier (ok'ed by lactation consultant at last visit.) Only A will take it, though. I don't usually change them between midnight and six unless they wake up or cry or I hear them fart/poop.

I have not drunk milk in three days because I am trying to see if less dairy impacts them. I realize cutting out all dairy may be needed, and may be the next step if this does not make a difference. I believe I may have an issue with overactive letdown as well. Even though my supply is fabulous (from pumping once a day I have nearly ninety bags of frozen milk with average 4 oz in each bag) I do not want to decrease it to deal with the letdown until after I go back to work and see how it holds up under the stress of pumping and being away from the babies. I do feel bad, though, for the boys. P in particular gulps a lot, I think somewhat because he is such an enthusiastic eater, and ends up with gas sometimes. That may be partially dairy aversion too. A is a smoother and more flexible eater but spits up more afterwards.

They are still quite difficult from around 6 pm until midmight. They need to eat and be changed more often, and want to be held a lot more. And they are hardly settled for any time when putting them down. Makes for a lot of cold or reheated dinners. With my mom still here, there are two people to hold babies while the third person eats. But soon, we will just have to eat one handed or deal with more crying.  It is amazing how much better you get at doing things one handed so you can carry a baby. Like yesterday I made grilled cheese with bacon and tomato. 

I have bought carriers and used them briefly around the house. The babies love to be carried. I still need to find the perfect one. I bought several the other day, will update soon when I figure out more details.

Been venturing out more to parks lately. Hopefully the boys like it. Played mini tennis for first time last week. Belly Ban.dit made me feel less jiggly but I wasn't trying too much because my hips hurt. Oh well. I am walking more and more and by lifting babies am sort of lifting light weights. Need to just take it slow and build up to running, squats and harder activities.

Still haven't had sex yet. Hard with my mom around. We tried once in the car but I have tightened up down there from inactivity and will definitely need to ease into it at home. I feel ugly and gross do not really feel like rushing anyway. I have lost nearly all pregsncy weight, but my stomach is still loose and lumpy above infision area. The glue looks dark and gross. My muscle tone in legs is gone. In clothes thankfully I look pretty good but only if I use the Bandit. 

General Musings

Having twins often makes me feel like I am half-assing parenting of them both. Right now, I am feeding A and P is on the floor playing on a mat, touching hanging items, kicking the keyboard and making adorable baby noises. I would love to get on the floor and discover these things with him but I have to attend to A. 

Or often, I am feeding a twin and have to truncate the cuddle time since another one is on deck to eat. Or both are crying but I can only pick up one because if I hold them both they kick each other and get more upset.

Or, I have thirty minutes tops before the changing, eating, burping cycle starts so I just take time to pee or freeze breastmilk rather than hanging out with them.

Parents of all kids experience guilt so I know this is normal. 

I am sick of houseguests. My mom has bern here a week, a surprising improvement from MIL, but either way I am ready to have my house back. My mom is ALWAYS there and her baby soothing noises, her propensity to leave lights on, even her general breathing are too much for me now. I just want privacy with C. But I still need the help badly. He gets home too late to help me much duting the week. He is gone twelve hours a day so it would be just me with the twins. Which is "doable" but a lot would suffer if my mom weren't here, like laundry, cooking, etc.

For example, this morning started with me changing and feeding A at 7:30 until 8:00. My mom changed P around 8 when he woke up. Gave her A to hold and finish burping while I fed and burped P til around 8:30. Both babies fussed so we both held babies til I was able to put A down at 8:50. Pumped breasts til 9:10, my mom soothed P and A during this time. Froze one bag of breastmilk, peed for first time, made and ate breakfast. 9:30 gave babies Zantac. 9:40 called doctor for refill. 9:45 A fusses, change him and feed and burp him. 10:10 P wakes up, my mom changes him. 10:15 P poops again. 10:20 feed P and put A down, praying A does not fuss while feeding P. And that is the day. I never nap so I may get lucky and find time to pay two or three bills, or shower, or to do one other item. Around  6-7 pm they enter their "witching hour" and often simultaneously fuss. This may last on and off til 9 pm. 

It's a long day and not sure if I were alone how things would get done. I guess hubs and I would have to get even less sleep, hire someone, or not do it. Not too many other options. 

Thankfully these twins are the cutest babies ever because parenting is hard. But I don't care about the sheets crusty from spit up, my unshaven legs, the pile of unaddressed mail. When I look over at this precious A who is moving his sweet mouth rhythmically in his sleep, at P moving his tiny toes around and cooing, my heart melts. Nothing else matters. 

Today

I had a six week postpartum checkup at the OB today. Two years ago, I was there in anticipation of seeing my baby on the ultrasound, but instead found out there was no viable baby. My life was forever changed. I still think of myself as the person before October 16, 2013, and the person after. Because I could never go back to the carefree person before that date, even though I am now happy and mostly whole again. 

I feel sad, and just weird in general about this. So grateful for my boys. But still angry that my path to get them was marked by so much pain and tragedy. 

I will now hold my boys tight, breathe in their scent, rub their soft hair on me, and shed a tear or two. A mixture of sadness and happiness. But so very luckily, more happiness.

PS- Yesterday was Infant and Child Loss Remembrance Day. My heart goes out to all those who were affected by this event. It is the worst pain to lose a child, and I hope you found a way to honor the memories and also to be kind to yourself. 

The State of Things

Thankfully breastfeeding has improved immensely. I have not used a bottle for A for about ten days now. He still needs more help getting latched than P but I think A may actually be the superior twin for staying on the breast!

My current breastfeeding challenge is mastering tandem breastfeeding. During the day the twins are generally staggered with feedings so I do not have much need for tandem breastfeeding. But at night somehow they sync up much more and with C back to work I really need to be able to feed them independently. He awakes to help me but I would really like to handle them myself most of the time if possible and of course reduce my awake time. 

Currently I cannot get them positioned tandem without help and do not have a good pillow system to keep them securely in place. I bought the highly touted My B.rest Friend which is not great for my body. I end up hunching forward or if I prop the pillow up the twins end up too high. The back support slips down which requires strategic placement of many extra pillows. So it is a hard scenario to create independently and recreate quickly and consistently. I do use it sometimes but still need to work out the kinks.

Other than the breastfeeding challenges my other current difficulty is dealing with my mother in law, whom I have always adored and gotten along fabulously with. She has been at our house a little over a week. At first, her anxiety was through the roof.  She freaked out every time a baby cried or even fussed. It caused her to leave dirty diapers around, doors open, lights on, forget things and be more of a burden than a help. She also has been very flaky in general, like forgetting to buy things on a grocery list, to write in the pee/poo log, and taking an inordinate amount of time to do even non-baby tasks (took 2 hours to reheat prepared lasagna and prepare salads.) 

C noticed some of this but not all as he is at work all day and his mom is not as crazy when he is here. So unfortunately he hears me bitch a lot. I feel bad as this places more stress on him. And this week I am making more effort not to report her issues to him. Which sadly means I internalize more now.  

She has gotten better compared to a week ago but still has progress to make. She still flips out when they fuss and asks are they hungry? Did they poop? What do we do? None of which is helpful and makes me tense. 

And if she is with ababy snd he starts crying she won't put him down unless he falls asleep. But sometimes I need the baby brought to me awake so I can feed him. Or I don't want him in a deep sleep at the moment. But she is at the other end of the house and I am with the other baby so I cannot contact her until she returns. 

And she takes forever to do things. Sometimes with twins I find it necessary to be a bit rigid with scheduling. If I am feeding one twin I want the other fed as soon after as possible. So when I tell her to get a twin ready to get in the feeding queue do not take 30 minutes to change him! And do not rock him to sleep just because he fussed when you changed him! 

It is a lot of stuff to explain to someone. I feel like an ass because I am constantly getting short with her, especially since she is a great person and so kind to come and help. She has been doing all our laundry, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, cleaning. 

But yet at times I would rather be alone. But I know right now I could not handle life outside these boys. Sometimes I cannot pee for five hours, never mind find the time to cook dinner. 

Part of this also is after MIL leaves my mom arrives for four weeks. My mom

Always annoys me on a regular trip here so four weeks with babies will be a significant challenge. Plus, I miss being here with C. But again, we need the help right now. Maybe soon we can start using bottles of expressed milk to relieve me a bit. I need to see when that is recommended. 

In other news, I am feeling a lot better physically. I wear a belly band when I can and under clothes my body does not look too disgusting. Without support my belly is weirdly lumpy. Horrible constipation has been an issue the last few days and I both look forward to and dread pooping after my most recent painful experience. I look forward to exercise and sex and having the challenge of fitting in those activities!