Today

I had a six week postpartum checkup at the OB today. Two years ago, I was there in anticipation of seeing my baby on the ultrasound, but instead found out there was no viable baby. My life was forever changed. I still think of myself as the person before October 16, 2013, and the person after. Because I could never go back to the carefree person before that date, even though I am now happy and mostly whole again. 

I feel sad, and just weird in general about this. So grateful for my boys. But still angry that my path to get them was marked by so much pain and tragedy. 

I will now hold my boys tight, breathe in their scent, rub their soft hair on me, and shed a tear or two. A mixture of sadness and happiness. But so very luckily, more happiness.

PS- Yesterday was Infant and Child Loss Remembrance Day. My heart goes out to all those who were affected by this event. It is the worst pain to lose a child, and I hope you found a way to honor the memories and also to be kind to yourself.