Depression

I am depressed. Like, truly depressed. I am just tired and detached all the time. I feel barely anything. I can only connect IF I have some herb and/or alcohol in me, and even then, the window is small.

I know only I have the power to change myself, but I cannot even get anything started or care to do so. C is so sad to see this. He cried openly a lot this weekend. I felt sad for his sadness but in a detached way. I keep telling him to just break up with me. I do not want him to see me waste away. If he leaves, which he will eventually if I do not get better, then I can just kill myself.

He wants to help me. He says he will help me. I hope so because I cannot help myself. I do not know how.

So needless to say this weekend basically sucked. And it's my fault. It started out well. We saw our hockey team play (and win!) on Wednesday. Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving food together. I did start to feel sad that day. Most people of course except us were busy with their families and we were spending hours and effort on a tiny (albeit delicious) meal for us. Yes, we were invited to many places, including a potluck at a friend's for all those without family in town, but it still pisses me off and saddens me.

Saturday the lethargy and depression reached an apex. It was my birthday. I did not want it to be my birthday. C kept asking me if I wanted to go out, what I wanted to eat. And frankly, I did not want to feel special. I did not deserve that. I did not want a reminder that I was now a 32 year old childless loser. I did not want to realize that I was near to the end of the weekend, with nothing accomplished, but yet with no energy to accomplish things.

I am so lost. All the things I have been using to cope with sadness over the past year - exercise, support groups, therapy, projects - are no longer working. 

C suggested that I return to taking antidepressants (weaned off them about 2 months before TTC after about 18 months of use). But I should not be on them while pregnant. I cannot get off them quickly without feeling awful so what would I do? But I am starting to think that maybe the risk is worth it. And, I need to stop assuming I will be pregnant soon. I have been assuming it for over a year and not been right. Ever.

And with my reduced mental stability, I wonder if I should even pursue fertility treatments. I am trying to teach myself that I do not care anymore if they work. And in some ways, I do not care. Because I do not want to hope for it because I am constantly disappointed.

A woman in my fertility group left her husband this weekend. They got together as teenagers, so I know that a lot of the problems were just due to them growing apart. But, their fertility troubles definitely amplified and accelerated the distance between them. I wonder if the same will happen to us. I say it like it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is hard for me to picture ever feeling happy without a family. And I will probably always feel jealous and incomplete without my own children. And I just don't see why C would want to be with someone who is always partially miserable, especially when he could grieve never having any and move on to live a happy life. 

Ahhhhh I need help. I do not know what to do. I hope C can help me to help myself. Because I am

lost, I am afraid, I am broken, I am a shell of a person.