11w2d

Ummm what has possessed C to start telling people? He told his boss two days ago and said he plans to tell his co-workers today. And he just forwarded me a text from his other friend. This is all happening too fast for me.

But I don't want to tell him so it makes it worse. I know he is excited, he thinks it's fine because we are basically past the chances of miscarriage, but I still think of all the scary shit ahead. And stupid home Doppler is not helpful. I will try it again tonight, but still can't get two heartbeats on there.

I would honestly rather just not say it out loud to anyone. 

I'm still so fucked up from everything. My friend told me her first month of IUI (she is in a same-sex relationship) did not work and I was secretly happy. Like I want people to have some small struggle, not anything in great length, so they can understand me more. That is fucked up. But no one understands. I know I need to get over my bitterness about loss and infertility, but I am not there yet. I may not be until I have these babies, alive and well. 

Been feeling great, except a cold a few days ago. But pregnancy wise, I am good. Hungry often, but can only eat small amounts or I feel sick. I'm not obsessed with berries or grilled cheese anymore, and have no real cravings or aversions. Just food, all the time! Wake up once a night to pee, and by 7 am I need food. A little bit more gas as well. Hope that's a "passing" symptom, lol. 

That's about it. Just biding time til my NT scan on Wednesday. Desperately trying to finish painting our house's exterior in the next few weeks since my mobility and energy are declining. But still going to the gym or park 3-4 days a week. Walking on an incline on the treadmill about 30 minutes, light weightlifting, and light ab exercises. Probably will need to switch to planks and standing exercises soon since it is bad to be on my back around or after 12 werks.

And, bump pic. 

And, for those still plagued by cold weather, a pic of the park here in South Florida where I walked and did lunges and step ups today. 

9w6d and the Sad State of Our Sex Life

I had an ultrasound today. I was not supposed to have another one until my NT scan in two weeks, but my anxiety at waiting four weeks between ultrasounds was too much to bear, so I asked my OB if I could have an extra one. The tech at that office is on vacation this week, so I got sent to the hospital to have one. And I insisted that C accompany me, because I'm too scared to be there alone and get bad news. 

It was weird to be in a hospital, but the techs were great and I got to see the babies! They were moving their arms and legs around which was so cool to me. Simply a beautiful sight for my scared mind. They are still on top of each other laying sideways. Baby A's ass is on top of Baby B's face lol. They did not provide measurements though I did glimpse one baby's heartbeat was 174. But that was fine with me. I mainly wanted to know they were alive. 

Anyway, not much else happening. Still hungry a lot. Grilled cheese has been a fave lately as well as almond milk mixed with regular milk.  

Our sex life has really taken a hit. It was bad while we struggled with infertility but we are still not back in our groove. Part of it is me, I know I get more tired by 9 pm and that is tough because C does not get home til 8 and we aren't even done eating til around 8:30 except for Fridays. Part of the problem is on the weekends we have been trying to finish painting the outside of our house, which makes it hard for sexy times. And C is insecure about his past ED so he does not initiate because of that. Ugh, I really want to fix this soon because I don't know when restrictions may start, and of course right after giving birth is not a time to rejuvenate the sex life. 

This is what I mean. Infertility does not go away or get cured when you become pregnant. Yes, the struggles change, but normalcy regarding pregnancy and birth does not automatically arrive, either. 

8w1d and Second Ultrasound

Had my second ultrasound today at the RE. Everything still looking ok! They are both measuring slightly ahead - Baby A at 8w2d and Baby B at 8w6d. Heartbeats were at 170 bpm, and this time, we got to hear the sweet sound. They look like shrimp now, with a C shaped back. There are tiny arm buds and eye sockets now. 

And..a few minutes of us talking, and I was officially released from the RE. C was ecstatic, ready for the adieu to this place of mostly stress, but I could not join in, thinking of how soon will I be back when things go wrong? 

I barely enjoyed the good news today. I still feel like there is no point in rejoicing when there is still such an arduous road ahead. Like the path of incompetent cervixes. I am so fucking terrified of announcing the pregnancy, getting excited, and then losing these babies to this issue. It's why in a sick way, for a split second, I had wanted a few weeks ago to lose one. Make it more likely for the other to survive. But, I love and want them both. I feel ashamed that thought entered my troubled mind. I have not started imagining an actual life with them yet, but I hope I can get there. After all, this is likely my only successful pregnancy if it works out, so it would be nice to enjoy it a little.

So now, hoping the Doppler will work toward the end of the week and waiting til next week for my first OB appointment, when I will ask about preventive cerclage MFM visits, and cervix length monitoring.  

By the way, I started to show this week. In my tighter shirts like gym clothes you can see a round belly. Work clothes you can't tell at all. And everything still fits. Getting more hungry than before as well. If I don't keep snacks on hand and let my belly get empty, I feel like shit. So, forcing myself to munch something, even an animal cracker, approximately every hour or so.

First Ultrasound - 6w1d

Today was good!! Of course, I was on edge in the room and when the doctor entered with a medical student and a nurse, I was like "Ok just tell me if there is a heartbeat!"

He luckily noticed the urgency and nervousness and immediately got to business. He turned the screen toward C and me but I could not look. I looked at the ceiling and held my breath while he paused. The PTSD started creeping in and I braced myself for the bad news. He said "There is a heartbeat" and I almost fell off the table. He moved the wand around and then he announced "And there is another heartbeat" very casually.

I was kind of outside my body as he moved the wand around and measured them - both right on track at 6w1d and assessed the heartbeats - both at 117- and took pictures and walked us through the blobs and blurs. C was relaxed, happy, and I was just still tense, maybe expecting the other shoe to drop as he moved things around. And just taking it all in. Things are ok today.

We will return in two weeks and then I will graduate. Possibly never to return to this place that has mostly brought fear, pain, and sadness. And yet I will be scared to leave. But I will have a high risk and regular OB to watch over me.

Twin pregnancies are scary. I'm already assuming a future of an emergency cerclage, bedrest and a painful C section recovery. I've heard so many stories of losing twins at 18/19/20-ish weeks that I am so frightened it will happen to me.

Ugh, infertility and loss are such mindfucks. I hope I can relax more soon. For today, I am happy but so damn scared to lose these babies. 

'Twas the Day Before the Ultrasound (aka 6 weeks)

Ahhhh....my world has been a whirlwind lately. I am doing my best to keep busy and keep the negative thoughts and fears at bay. Some coping mechanisms have been: working longer hours, working out, yoga, therapy, acupuncture, house projects. Used all of them in the past week. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a ball of nerves several times a day. Scouring blogs of people around the same gestation as I am, comparing their litany of symptoms with my few. Googling up a shitstorm. Being a bitch because I'm stressed out. 

Yep, at this point, the breasts are heavy and painful and that is THE only thing that is felt on the daily. In general, a bout of lightheadedness and cramping will occur once a day but sometimes only every other day. Bloating and diarrhea, especially after(?!) eating, also occur but not daily. Where are the food cravings/aversions? Nausea? Tiredness? Or will it all arrive with a vengeance soon? Or not at all because nothing is progressing inside of me? Or not at all because I will have a great pregnancy, physical wise?

The acupuncturist felt my pulse was strong and the baby seemed healthy. But everyone else who says "It's gonna be fine, I can feel it" is only saying this based on conjecture, not medical knowledge. And I find it as annoying as when infertility was my struggle. NO, you do NOT fucking know that it will all work out! You have no extra ability to predict the future or  timing so shut the fuck up! Just listen, be cautiously optimistic, offer to pray for me, but don't offer platitudes.

Granted, VERY few people even know at this point. The stupid optimism is one big reason because it discounts the visceral fear that consumes me. I cannot stop playing in my mind the scene when I found out my last pregnancy was not viable. It feels real and clear and destined to happen again. Maybe not tomorrow but before this baby arrives. But, especially tomorrow.

I'm also not the typically happy person that I "should" be. I am so blessed to be pregnant; it is a crucial step closer to having a baby than I have been in almost a year and a half. But, I am not like other people. I can't be the pregnant lady who assumes pregnancy equals baby. 

My coworker's baby was born a few days ago and I felt sad. A lesser and different sad than I used to feel when going through fertility treatment. But a valid sadness. Wondering if I can share in second, or even first, baby stories. Wondering when can I be happy about this and relax a little. 

I feel very lonely right now. I was invited to my fertility group friend's baby shower, and I am scared to go. I cannot celebrate babies yet. I cannot reach out to my friend who announced her pregnancy a few months ago and with whom I have not spoken since. Because if I celebrate as a pregnant woman, or even a non-pregnant happy friend, what if it is taken away from me? I will have to cut her off again to deal with my pain. So is itbetter to just protect myself and isolate until I feel better? But by then, her baby may be born and she might not want my friendship anymore. For being so self consumed as to miss her first child's birth. 

I don't know. That is why therapy is still much needed in my life. Going today. Likely won't sleep well tonight, and then hopefully feel better tomorrow. At least I will know more than I know today. The unknown sometimes is just a killer. 

Managing the Anxiety

Yesterday was 5 weeks/21 dpo and I had a beta. The RE had me going crazy by calling me about 45 minutes after the usual time. I started thinking that something was wrong and they were drawing straws to see who had to make the shitty calls.

Alas, finally got the call and the level was 3,650. A doubling time of 42.05 hours, a slight slowdown compared to previous beta of 39.64 hours. Still seems to be in an acceptable range so I am trying to celebrate that. 

An ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesdsy afternoon the 28th. I asked if we could schedule it sooner, but they do not like to perform a scan sooner than 6 weeks because a heartbeat often cannot be detected before then which causes people to freak out.

That is me already. Last time, I was at 3,700 the week before the fateful ultrasound. It was also on a Wednesday. This time I am in an eerily similar situation and this haunts me. 

This is going to be a long week. I am going to acupuncture tonight, tomorrow I am going to a basketball game, and I will be filling up my weekend with as much distractions as possible. Just trying to avoid being alone with my racing thoughts and remind myself that every pregnancy is different. But it sure as hell is not easy. And I know with PCOS the rate of miscarriage is high.