What a wonderful day! What a difference from the past two years. Two years ago, physical pain racked me from a killer strain of flu, and mental pain racked me from the loss of my baby. It was only a bearable day because I "knew" by 2014, I would be holding my next baby on my lap, or on the verge of giving birth. One year ago, there was even more anguish. There was the scary realization that all future Christmases could be spent childless. Avoiding and hating everyone and their familial happiness. Plying myself with alcohol and weed and Xanax and not feeling even a momentary buzz to take away the pain. Injecting myself with Follistim on that very day.
This year, putting my boys in Santa suits. Trying to convince them to cooperate for photos simultaneously (a constant challenge with twins) but laughing all the while. Eating Christmas cookies. Opening gifts with and for the boys. Exchanging pictures with family and friends, feeling my heart glow at everyone's happiness. Walking around the neighborhood to look at the lights (A fell asleep, P loved it then fell asleep.) Even dealing with P's fussiness because of pre-teething was a blessing. Because I am a mother and my family is complete and happy.
As I reflect on less stellar holiday memories, my heart aches for a good friend who still does not have her baby. And for all those who still yearn so badly to have a child. It sucks. I have no good advice at surviving the holidays because I could not handle things well at all. I