Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Viability and Some Unexpected Emotions

It is interesting when an event arrives that has been dreamed about for some time. Naturally, it is rare to have things go exactly as visualized, but it is altogether disconcerting to have negative feelings accompany the wished-for occurrence.

I am referrimg to the attainment of 24 weeks today - the point at which a fetus becomes viable outside the womb and chances of survival are as high as 80 per cent.

Months ago, I dared to write on a small post-it note the dates I would reach 24, 28 and 32 weeks. I pictured today as the day where I would finally be open to buying baby items, be able to connect with the babies, and fully embrace pregnancy, especially since cervical incompetence greatly decreases as well at this juncture.

Unfortunately, I am still too anxiety-ridden today. I worry instead at how little they move, and how their growth appeared to slow at the last appointmemt. I worry about how if they are born now, that the chance of permanent damage is still possible. I feel depressed that only my MIL and person from my infertility support group remembered today and its significance. And even if I tried to tell others, they would not understand that there is still a lot of progress to be made. So many things can still go wrong. That I am in awe of the lives forming inside me, but afraid to get too attached and frankly just want them here so I do not live in fear every day of their demise. 

Trying so hard to appreciate this milestone but the anxiety is suffocating. I will now go to the gym and hope some endorphins can calm me down. 

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