I always assumed being pregnant would magically make me happier and restore me to the woman I once was. In some ways, thankfully, it was true. I again laugh and laugh easily. My husband and I flirt. I derive joy from little things.
But the fact is I am still not "back" to normal. I recently posted about how unhappy I was finding out a friend got pregnant on her first try! Now I find myself avoiding her because she says things like how she is afraid to XXX in the first trimester because it can cause miscarriage. To each his own, I realize this, but just thinking XXX will cause a miscarriage, that IT CAN BE PREVENTED, irks me because it implies that mine (or anyone's) could have been my fault. And then she starts talking about how excited she is for her first ultrasound and I just cannot sit there and pretend I am excited too. That is when I found out first baby had died. That is not a guarantee things will be fine but I just cannot say these things.
I am also just so jealous of the innocence that she has regarding pregnancy as a concept. Conceived with ease, remaining pregnant with ease, it will all be easy for her. And trying to explain why it is not for me makes me seem like a freak. After all I am pregnant. So the jealousy should not exist anymore.
But it does. And sadness. And self loathing. And wondering if I can ever just be happy and talk normal pregnancy stuff with people ever.
I do not want to pretend our struggles did not occur but I do want to sometimes forget. And I want when I do think of our history, to acknowledge the pain and the experience but not acutely feel the pain forever.