Thursday, March 5, 2015


Ummm what has possessed C to start telling people? He told his boss two days ago and said he plans to tell his co-workers today. And he just forwarded me a text from his other friend. This is all happening too fast for me.

But I don't want to tell him so it makes it worse. I know he is excited, he thinks it's fine because we are basically past the chances of miscarriage, but I still think of all the scary shit ahead. And stupid home Doppler is not helpful. I will try it again tonight, but still can't get two heartbeats on there.

I would honestly rather just not say it out loud to anyone. 

I'm still so fucked up from everything. My friend told me her first month of IUI (she is in a same-sex relationship) did not work and I was secretly happy. Like I want people to have some small struggle, not anything in great length, so they can understand me more. That is fucked up. But no one understands. I know I need to get over my bitterness about loss and infertility, but I am not there yet. I may not be until I have these babies, alive and well. 

Been feeling great, except a cold a few days ago. But pregnancy wise, I am good. Hungry often, but can only eat small amounts or I feel sick. I'm not obsessed with berries or grilled cheese anymore, and have no real cravings or aversions. Just food, all the time! Wake up once a night to pee, and by 7 am I need food. A little bit more gas as well. Hope that's a "passing" symptom, lol. 

That's about it. Just biding time til my NT scan on Wednesday. Desperately trying to finish painting our house's exterior in the next few weeks since my mobility and energy are declining. But still going to the gym or park 3-4 days a week. Walking on an incline on the treadmill about 30 minutes, light weightlifting, and light ab exercises. Probably will need to switch to planks and standing exercises soon since it is bad to be on my back around or after 12 werks.

And, bump pic. 

And, for those still plagued by cold weather, a pic of the park here in South Florida where I walked and did lunges and step ups today. 


  1. My NT scan is Wednesday too! And I know what you mean about infertility still hurting. I still get upset about certain things. Yes, I am pregnant now but as you said, I'm pregnant and "fucked up" in the head and that make a big difference.

    1. Fertility is truly a life changing experience. I will never be the same, regardless of whether I get a biological baby in the end. But I do really hope I can accept that I am not like most others, and that only some will understand my thoughts and actions and not seem them irrational. Thank you for understanding me.

  2. How in the fuck did I miss that it was twins!? HOLY MOTHER!!!! Im pleased for you. Hope you start feeling more confident in the pregnancy soon and that Hubby shuts the hell up until then :)

    1. Thanks for the encouragement. Slowly getting better. Time, therapy, blogging and support from a select few are helping me become stronger and more excited. But the bad dats are still there.